When
I got married, I seriously considered becoming a ministerial servant on the
path to being an elder. It would've been easy considering I had a good
reputation, I was fairly popular and was able to deliver talks. There was one
thing however: I didn't believe everything we thought. At that stage, I
rationalized my faith as:
While
I don't believe everything we preach, I still believe that as a group, in
actions, we're the closest to the true religion.
Still,
I found it difficult to publicly teach things I didn't personally believed. I
remember that I was often selective with the topics I was covering during the theocratic
school, and I knew that if I reached out for more responsibilities, I would not
have that luxury of choosing. So, I talked about this with a few Elders and
they basically had the same logic:
"When
people go to the hall, it is not to listen to you. Most of the time, they don't
even know who will deliver what talk. They go to the meetings to hear what the
society teaches; you are simply the messenger. So, it doesn’t matter what you
personally believe; preach what the people expect from you, preach what the
society asks. Anyhow, if you wait long enough, chances are that the society’s
beliefs will change your way.”
While I agreed with what they were
saying, my motivation wasn’t there. How could I be passionate about possibly preaching
things I didn’t believe? I was passionate about showing love and care to one
another, caring about the environment, being faithful, etc. I could have made thousands
of hours on those topics. But explaining the overlapping generation and be convincing
when preaching it? How could I be passionate about that? So, as the years went
on, I found excuses not to take on new responsibilities all the while blaming
myself for being too proud; not humble enough to accept the role of a WT pawn.
Eventually, almost a decade later, my kids started hearing things
at the hall that I didn’t believe. It was at that moment that I realized that I
was supposed to teach them these things. If I didn’t, they would eventually
realize that I had some “significant” disagreement with the WT and could possibly
out me as an apostate! I was growing anxious about the situation and started to
look for alternative views. And so, I read Ray Franz’s books in the morning,
when riding the train to work. Honestly, I thought that Ray’s books would re-affirm
what I already believed; that so and so teachings didn’t make sense. Surprisingly,
he focused on Christian love, the very thing that kept me in the JWs. He made
me realize that their greatest sin was to lack in that area while trying to hold
an organization together. The priority was no longer in the Christian love that
should live in each of its members, but the existence and survival of the organization!
As a result of that, any disagreement with even the smallest teachings could result
in disfellowshipping and ostracism. This is the furthest from Christian love
considering that it is impossible to be united in all teachings! JWs have
changed their teachings several times through the years. This shows that the Governing
Body holds meeting where some of their members express disbelief in current teachings,
convinces the other members, resulting in change in theology for the religion. And
the question becomes: Why would they be above any of their brothers who would
also express similar disagreement? What is more anti-Christian like? Expressing
disbelief in a teaching that could very well change or to disfellowship and ostracise
the person expressing such doubts; possibly taking away all his friends, family,
lively hood, housing and even their own spouse?
When I think of Jesus, I think of his hatred for the pharisees and their
mentality that is kept alive by the JWs who are intolerant when it comes to personal
Christian conscience and beliefs. Jesus thought personal responsibility for
your faith and love and tolerance for others.
