Emotional Bankruptcy after the Tower

by Esmeralda 14 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Esmeralda

  "In many ways, poverty is a state of mind."
  Emma Bromon, ~Founder of Liberty House, a halfway house in New Orleans for homeless girls with children, or who are pregnant.

  This quote inspired me tonight, on an evening where I certainly needed to feel inspired by something.

  It made me question the way that I feel sometimes, that sickening out of control emotion that keeps me awake some nights.

  Nights like last night.

  The feeling that carries over into days like today,
  when I feel burned out, tired, and emotionally bankrupt.

  If this wise woman is correct, and physical poverty is a state of mind in a way, then I ask myself,
  what of this backlog, this weight on my heart that I'm feeling...this overdrawn, pathetic state
  in which on days like today, my dreams exceed my optimism? What about emotional poverty?

  Have I really been left destitute by the years of guilt, depression, and 'putting on the new personality'
  that I survived as a Witness? Am I left spiritually, emotionally, impoverished after leaving the WTS with
  no chance to escape?

  Are we condemned to an existence of little, sparse because we have learned to
  believe that we don't deserve to live a life wealthy in happiness, rich in love and joy?

  Have we heard too many times that we are not, can not, and never will be enough? Are we
  left believing that we are undeserving, unworthy, and of less value than the rest of
  Earth's creatures?

  Many feel that way. I have. Still do, on days like today. Though I manage to fight it
  off on most days, today I still feel it.

  If it is true that poverty is a state of mind, that means that
  it can be escaped.

  I refuse to accept that I am doomed to live a future of empty cupboards in my soul
  and barren emotional prospects.

  I will live richly, because I stubbornly insist that beneath my pain, is the capacity to give love,
  and receive it. Even if this ability seems buried beneath the weight of the life I am leaving behind
  again and again, on a daily basis.

  Life is renewing, and spring comes whether you live in splendor or in squalor, I suppose.

  So tonight I'm reminding myself, in the hopes that
  tomorrow morning I'll be able to see my way more clearly than I do at this moment.

  I choose to live in emotional splendor, in richness of the soul, in the light of my future, not the darkness of my past.

  I've left the tower, they've taken my family, my youth, my past. But the only way they can
  take one more thing from me, one more day, one more hour is if I let them.

  I won't let them. Don't any of you let them either.

  Love to all,
  Es,
  (Who should probably never write on this little sleep)
• 

  dedalus

  I hear ya, sis. [draws up a chair, pours a glass of wine, throws it back, pours another]

  Most of the time I'm okay with resolutions I've made, similar to the ones you listed above. "Don't let the bastards get you down!" (And if Foxy were here, she'd belt it out in Latin for us.) "The best revenge is living well."

  But sometimes, hell, it's hard. Feelings of despondancy blindside you. This morning I awoke from a dream in which I was reaching for my father, to give him a hardy clap on the back, and he kept dodging me, staring me down with his cold, penetrating stare. I wonder why he won't write to me, eat with me, visit me, etc. I mean, I know, but I still wonder.

  Puts a damper on your morning, for sure.

  But you know there are good days too, days that make it all worth it. Keep posting, Es, 'cause it helps. I don't know what particular stuff you're dealing with, but I'm thinkin' of you.

  Dedalus
• 

  Esmeralda

  Always there in a pinch, thank you Dedalus *salute*

  But you know there are good days too, days that make it all worth it.

  A happy thought to end my day and send me off to bed to dream of a better one tomorrow.

  I'll try to return the favor to you someday :) I'm thinkin' of you too, little brother.

  *hugs to you and Foxy*

  Love ya
  Essie
• 

  Francois

  For starters, you have a bright future as a writer. If you could harness that expressive ability of yours to create a work of written art, you might find yourself on Oprah or Letterman being interviewed for your latest best seller. And you can take it from me, I'm a trained journalist and professional editor who has seen lots and lots of garbage in his thirty year career.

  As for emotional poverty, try to remember that emotional reactions are choices, and you can choose some other reaction. For there is life after the witnesses, and abundant life at that. It can take a while for you to overcome a lifetime of negative programming from the witnesses, but it's very important to remember and to realize that's what it really is: PROGRAMMING. You are laboring under a set of negative programmed responses instilled in you by the Jay-Dubs. You can rid yourself of that programming. Do you really intend to allow them to control your emotions even after you've rejected their teachings?

  Visualize your mind as a series of buttons. Each button is wired up to a negative emotional response, and each time one of those buttons is pushed, out comes an emotional response from you. Now each time you feel a negative emotional reaction coming, visualize yourself disconnecting the wires that go to that button. Repeat over and over until you've got all the buttons not only disconnected, but you've gotten them connected to emotional reactions of YOUR choosing. Now your life is yours, not the JWs by remote control. If you're going to let them control your emotions so thoroughly, you might as well resume going to the meetings and out in service.

  Of course, this is just my opinion, but it worked for me when I left the Borg, and I hope it will work for you. A person of your insight and emotional sensitivity deserves, as do we all, to live a life of our own design and making. And then we can all watch you on Oprah.

  Best Regards,

  Francoise
• 

  tergiversator

  But sometimes, hell, it's hard. Feelings of despondancy blindside you. This morning I awoke from a dream in which I was reaching for my father, to give him a hardy clap on the back, and he kept dodging me, staring me down with his cold, penetrating stare. I wonder why he won't write to me, eat with me, visit me, etc. I mean, I know, but I still wonder.

  I wonder too, sometimes. It amazes me how blindsided I can get. Sometimes, I'm just so happy to be where I am now, free, young, at school, able to do whatever I want to do with my life... but on certain days that seems to boil down to a few impossible desires. Have my mom call me up out of the blue, to ask how I am doing, not just to discuss "business". Get a letter from my best friend who hasn't said a word to me in a year and a half. Be able to actually talk with my family without having them retreat into...

  But that, alas, remains wishful thinking. What I would also like would be to not feel as if I am somehow treading on thin emotional ice: as if everything is going well and then something external happens - a bad day in lab, perhaps, or waking up too early from an unsettling dream - and suddenly the gaping pit is back, returned from the days when I was digging into my religion and my life and felt as if I had dug through too far and fallen out into the sky.

  It's much better now, of course. The worst that can happen has just about all happened, and I am well on my way to rediscovering who I am and want to me. But... it takes a long time, this recovery process, which I realize better sometimes than others. And it's frustrating to sometimes feel like I'm playing emotional catch-up with other people my age, that I've got 13 years that I have to sort through, somehow. But then those good days, yeah... that's when I realize how lucky I am. How lucky we all are. Even if we don't always feel like it.

  -T.

  "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people simply exist." - Oscar Wilde
• 

  Kristen

  I will live richly, because I stubbornly insist that beneath my pain, is the capacity to give love,
  and receive it.

  I've left the tower, they've taken my family, my youth, my past. But the only way they can take one more thing from me, one more day, one more hour is if I let them.

  Es,
  Two very powerful thoughts. The first one is what motivates me to live. I've lost virtually everyone I've ever been close to in my life. But now I have room for so many more real relationships built upon a foundation of mutual love and respect. Casting away the inner measurements of judgementalism has freed my soul and opened my eyes to a whole new world of ... people.

  The second thought is something I struggle with each day. Not being fullly extracted from the JW situation keeps many things dangling in my mind each day. I imagine it could feel more liberating if I were totally cut off physically and mentally from it, but the timing for me isn't right. I'm just not ready to say goodbye forever to my parents, which is what it mostly boils down to. What kind of life is this to even have to make that choice?

  I'm sorry you are having a rough day. ((((((((HUGS)))))))) I've been spending more time emotionally and physically recharging over the last few days. It gets to all of us at times. I hope tomorrow is better for you.

  Thank goodness for new days.

  Love,
  Kristen
• 

  CornerStone

  Hello Esmeralda,

  Your absolutly right! The only thing that the tower can TAKE from ANYBODY is what WE give them. They don't deserve anything of value, except a quick kick in the kaboose! Or mabey two kicks, or mabey three, or four, five, six, 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000
  0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
  0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
  0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
  0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
  0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
  000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000.. etc.

  CornerStone
• 

  Had Enough

  I don't have any words of wisdom for you Essie, but please know that just reading your feelings helps me to know that when I feel that way, which is most days right now, that its not just because of my weakness, my inability to deal with my life as it is right now. I recognize that my feeling down comes from a situation caused by others wielding power over my family situation.

  I realize from reading your situations and those of the others who have responded so far of dedalus, Francoise, tergiversator and Kristen, that all and many more are just victims of a group of men who have so indoctrinated its members that it stays with us even after we try to break free.

  Mostly it is effective because, even after we break free, our families who stay in the borg still affect our present lives. Forced separation is devastating and is the hardest thing to overcome because no matter what our families behave like, or treat us like, they are still our blood. We still have a need to be needed by them.

  But, if this is any help to you, your words help me to fight against the effects of the borg's clutches. Since coming to this site, I gone through so many emotions. Each day is a fight, since I'm still caught in the middle of not being free yet because of my still-active family and being silently threatened of being cut off if I make a stand against them.

  Just wanted you to know that even when you are so down, your posts help me to want to fight to keep from giving in. Please know that I join the many others here who root for you to keep on fighting.

  You are right when you say "we have learned to believe that we don't deserve to live a life wealthy in happiness, rich in love and joy?"

  That's just it. We have been conditioned over years of bombarding us, to believe that its all our fault...we don't deserve happiness if we disobey them. We now know this...we just have to keep reminding ourselves daily that we do deserve more.

  You have such a great way with words. Even in your pain you give words of encouragement to others. Please know that we need you and wish you love and peace in your life.

  Had Enough (but not giving in)
• 

  wasasister

  Es Honey:
  First of all, I ought to smack you upside the head for saying the WT took your youth. You're not 30 yet and I'm well beyond that. 'Nuff said...I like you, so I'll forgive you.

  We all walk through life dragging behind us the baggage we accumulate like human magnates. Yes, we can blame years as JW's for some of it, but we are also products of our parents (not all of what they did to us was religiously influenced), our physical bodies, our experiences, our intellect (or lack thereof), our relationships, our individual chemistry. Wouldn't it be easy to have one simple answer for our sudden bouts of depression or panic? If we are honest with ourselves, these episodes are probably brought on by many different stimuli - from a song we hear to what we ate for breakfast - and are the result of the sum total of who we are. We are more complex than a layer cake, we are more like Baklavah....so many layers, so little time.

  Like you, I am often plagued by thoughts of inadequacy. That may be something more common among women who feel the need to be perfect in every role they assume: mother, wife, employee, housekeeper, lover, etc. Take a stroll down the self-help aisle of any major bookstore, and you will see how common these feelings are. "Why I'm Not A Miserable Failure Because I Can't Learn to Cross Stitch" by Psy Co Babble. I have to continually remind myself that it's OK to take a book break even if my house and lawn are not perfectly neat. That I'm still healthy if I put on 5 pounds. That I'm not lazy if I don't exercise this weekend. That I'm still a good person even if someone doesn't like me.

  I hope to get to the point where such reminders are unnecessary, but I doubt that will happen. In the meantime, let's tell each other. We're attracted to this place because we can't yet manage on our own. We need the interaction with people who have been through what we have to one extent or another. People who can laugh at the same inside jokes and make us feel less alone in our struggle. It must be what the Ugly Duckling felt like when he finally found the right pond.

  Hang in their, Es. After all, you're still YOUNG!

  Love ya,
  Was
• 

  emyrose

  Bravo Esmeralda, Bravo!
  I love your poetic writing, I spot some of my thoughts
  in them. I've been suffering anxiety attacks lately, and
  sometimes experience the darkness you describe.
  Oprah, would tell us to find our passions. I see
  that you are a very passionate soul, so maybe this is
  the source you must look to for happiness and peace.
  Emyrose