Advice on Disassociating

by HiddenPimo 77 Replies latest jw experiences

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  dubstepped

  suppose the watchtower imposed a " release fee" to anyone wanting to leave ? how many would pay up ?
  isnt it the same as writing a letter of resignation ?

  No, not at all. You guys can't get over your JW centered thinking. Disassociating is something, like writing a letter of resignation, that you do to them because you don't want to be a part of someone or something anymore, it's not something they do to you like extorting money. You're so hung up on that being a JW term that you would let it keep you from doing what might actually be the most healthy thing for you. Or not, maybe it wouldn't be healthy for you, only you can answer that, but you keep trying to tell others what's healthy for them when they've made the decision for themselves, like the OP.

  I disassociated from them. It was my choice. I didn't want the stench of the name Jehovah's Witnesses on me anymore. I didn't want to ever be identified as one. I didn't want them talking to me. They're largely toxic and crazy. I disassociated, they didn't disassociate me. I put them all behind me with one measly letter. Yes, it was a hard letter to write and I knew the implications, but that shunning is something they do to me and that's their choice, I had to make mine as well, and honestly shunning isn't all bad or all good. Like most things in life it's a mixed bag and I had to choose what fit me. I did one last thing that was associated with them by writing that letter and I was done with them. Game over. By fading you have to put up with so much and keep hiding things so that you aren't "caught" and disfellowshipped someday.

  In contrast, if you're going to think through that lens,couldn't fading be said to be enabling them? Aren't you enabling their bad behavior by refusing to take a stand against it? What does it say to stay in a bad relationship or an inhuman or immoral company or group just because you think you can change them? How many times does that actually work? Isn't that what most abuse victims think in relationships, that somehow they will change them from the inside instead of running far away? Don't people on here make fun of Catholics for supporting that organization? Why support Jehovah's Witnesses by pretending to be one on some level?
  

  Again, there are questions on both sides. You have to answer them for yourself.
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  blondie

  I have not da'd or been df'd. I figure some day when I finish my own bio and have it published, it is inevitable that will be viewed as a disassociation statement. We have peace now, no visits, no harassment, so I will wait until I move away without a forwarding address. So far, I am able to provide info to others. If I were directly asked in person if I felt that the WTS only was god's organization, I might say no. So far, never asked. Probably would ask them first: Why do you ask?

  Everyone has their own answer, which is the best one for them. As jws, most of us hated the WTS dictating to us what was right and wrong. It is good to remember that and not imitate the WTS.
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  Incognito

  WT finds it necessary to place a label on everyone, as a method of control. Clearly defined labels are utilized by JWs to indicate how they are to view and treat the person.

  In fading, there is no clear indication of the person's intentions. Is the person sick but planning to return or are they walking away and not planning to return? JWs don't know for sure, so speculation ensues.

  There is a fear that some faded JWs not planning to return, that say nothing negative and remain friendly, will continue to be treated as a brother by many. WT does not want that to happen.

  Claiming a letter of DA is playing by WT rules, maybe implying the letter gives WT the clear indication and proof it demands so as to re-label the person and treat them in a specific manner WT deems fitting of that label. Fading keeps everyone uncertain of how the person is to be viewed, labelled and treated, which undermines WT requirements and methods of control and so goes against at least one of the rules WT has developed.
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  Brighton

  @ Incognito - you nailed it.

  There is a fear that some faded JWs not planning to return, that say nothing negative and remain friendly, will continue to be treated as a brother by many.
  Fading keeps everyone uncertain of how the person is to be viewed, labelled and treated, which undermines WT requirements and methods of control and so goes against at least one of the rules WT has developed.

  this has been my experience - on the rare occasion that I am with JWs other than my family, I am friendly and encouraging, which is confusing to them. And this is what feels empowering to me - that I can be respectful, kind and friendly with people I clearly don't agree on an important topic - it is a good example for them that people who don't agree with you or think like you any more aren't dangerous. And it is good exercise for me to practice holding my own in the midst of what could be pressure to conform.

  I don't do it often, but knowing that I can go to the occasional JW event (weddings or funerals mostly) and enjoy myself without feeling stressed or triggered is a huge plus for me. For me personally, it marks a level of autonomy and grounding that I've worked hard to achieve. I'm glad I chose to fade. My life would have been much more difficult had I DA'd and I have a nephew that it was important for me to be available to so I could, as much as possible, guide him away from the JWs without it being obvious. So far, so good on that level too.

  All that said, some people DA and that is what is the best choice for them. Everyone should do what they think is best. There is no easy way to leave - and for some people it takes leaving more than once.

  I'm really glad we have this forum available to hash these things out in a safe space.
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  stan livedeath

  Dubstepped.

  i disagree with what you say about a letter of disassociation. its exactly what the cult want if they have no grounds to d.f a person--the end result is the same----it is announced that the person is no longer one of blah blah blah.

  so--from then on in--its pressure on that persons family and friends to shoot the shun gun. and if they do associate--they run the risk of being d/f for it.

  in my case--going back to the 70's,..the shunning rule wasnt enforced like it is now. our family was friends with another couple--the husband had resigned from his congregation--having previously been the cong servant---he didnt want to face the shame and scandel of being d/f for adultery. his jw wife stuck by him.

  our family was happy with his company--they stayed at our house for holidays. he openly smoked. we simply regarded him as not a jw any more.

  so--i thought it would be the same for me. i resigned after attending a committee meeting held to check out something i was alleged to have said--although i hadnt attended meetings for over a year. i simply said i no longer considered myself a jw--and if they met with me in the street--i was MR ( sutton )..not BROTHER. but any of the congregation was welcome to visit my wife and her mother if they wanted to.

  this worked fine for years: i occasionally attended a talk or sunday assembly to keep my wife off my back. i was never shunned. it was a few more years later we got a divorce and subsequently my teen age kids started shunning ( from maternal pressure i guess )

  so i really do believe if anyone is contemplating writing a letter of resignation / disassociation to think long and hard first if they have family still in the cult.

  the watchtower society is playing deadly games with families. why give it any more ammunition.
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  Brighton

  @Dubstepped I think you have it backwards:

  Disassociating is something, like writing a letter of resignation, that you do to them because you don't want to be a part of someone or something anymore, it's not something they do to you

  If this were true, you wouldn't HAVE to write a letter. Requiring people to write a letter of disassociation is about power and control. Can you think of any other organization that if you don't agree with them or attend their meetings they require you to write a letter which leads to a public announcement of your separation?
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  Giordano

  So playing by 'their rules' is the buzz sentence. How about we say it's all about misdirecting the WTBTS when it comes to being DA, Fading, or DF. It's them playing by your rules.

  If you don't want to be harassed you can send in a letter of Dissociation. And then you are immediately cut off from close JW Family and friends.

  However Now you can reveal your true nature which is your a wolf not one of the sheep. The Society has done everything they can do to you. Now it's your turn.

  "Dear Editor of our local paper. I have just been Disassociated from the JW's allow me to explain what that means...............Here's what your readers need to know about the JW religion and their pedophile problem.

  Be it the newspaper, a blog, Facebook a You Tube presentation A forum with undecided ones reading. etc. Your the person they have to watch out for. They thought they got rid of you but you came back.

  Fading should be looked at as 'theocratic warfare'. Because you can hide in plain sight as a good guy or gal and misdirect everyone pretending you are not doing what you are doing.......which is fading. Without much effort you can put some serious distance between yourself and upper management.

  Or you can risk being DF and if eventually you were DF..........hopefully you had a ball getting there. But ironically you can always come back. You will not be trusted again which is fine............ because by then you have really learned how to cover your tracks.

  Your choice....... just make those hair balls play by your rules.
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  dubstepped

  Clearly this is going nowhere so I'm not going to keep beating the same drum. I don't think it's fair for those that have never done a thing to create the narrative for it. I've been on both sides. Disassociation was my choice. I respect your right to make yours, though I feel like fading is playing their game and robbing family of the opportunity to wake up. Having to shun helped wake me up. It's the hardest thing a JW with any humanity left intact has to do. It creates more cognitive dissonance than anything.

  I feel like fading is enabling the dubs. I still respect the right of others to choose and realize they have their reasons and it's not mine to impact and unlike you I don't go into threads where people want help doing something and tell them things to try to stop them, I try to support them in their decision. You can't do that. It's a shame, especially since so many of you claim to support those that disassociate. Your actions say otherwise.

  Be you. Be happy. I'm out.