How Long Does Grief Last?

by Englishman 19 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Englishman

  Last week I was very taken aback to see a recently bereaved (4 months) friend of ours walking along the High Street with his arms around a ladyfriend. I knew how devastated he had been at his wife's death, so it gave me quite a start to see him with someone else. I then told myself it was none of my business, quit judging Sunshine, get on with your own life.

  I couldn't shake the image out my mind however, so I discussed it at length with Her Ladyship to get her thoughts on the matter. We recalled how pleasant and pretty his wife had been and how devastated the family were when it was learned that she had a brain tumour, which put an immediate end to her teaching career.

  Then we recalled how, after her first operation, so much brain tissue had been removed in a vain attempt to extricate the malignant tumour that her behaviour had become extremely bizarre and unpredictable, and how her husband had stood patiently by her whilst she would go and talk to strangers about all manner of strange things. She also became so excitable and hyper-active that long-time friends would steer clear of them both. Her 2 sons would oil the wheels of social interchange so as to help her cope with everyday life.

  We remembered too, how, over the next year and a half, the toll that the steroid medication took upon her. How her weight increased dramatically, so that she eventually became very bloated and podgy. We saw her elderly parents struggling to cope with this almost unrecognisable person as we ourselves battled to continue to maintain some sort of relationship with her.

  She died very suddenly within just a couple of hours of slipping into a coma. Her immediate family pulled together as real families do, but within weeks the bereaved husband let it be known that there was another lady in his life.

  I think maybe that her husband had started to grieve for his wife on the day that her personality was removed by the operation that was meant to cure the tumour. I reckon that in the 2 years that followed he was aware that she would die and had actually said his goodbyes whilst she was still alive, and that the funeral was just the closing chapter in the grieving process.

  I don't know if I'm right however, as this very morning, I came across the husband whilst shopping in Tesco's. Do I ask him how he's coping or do I tell him that I know about his new lady?

  I'm struggling with this one a bit.

  Englishman.
• 

  rebel

  Englishman,

  Everyone grieves differently. Like you say, your friend probably started to grieve 2 years ago when his wife stopped being the woman he married. He obviously has been through a bad time and this other lady is helping him.

  I think it also depends on who it is you lose. A loss of a parent or grandparent or sibling is terrible, but I don't think anything can compare to losing a child. I know a man who breaks his heart crying over the loss of his two young daughters over 20 years ago. He still weeps for them to this day. I cry daily for my young daughter who was killed over 12 years ago. Some people seem to get over these things more quickly, but I sometimes think they are just better at hiding their feelings. I know I'll never stop greiving for Claire - she is always with me and not a day goes by when I don't think of her and long to hold her.

  I hope your friend is coping with his loss. It must be a hard time for the whole family.

  Just my thoughts.

  xxR
• 

  SheilaM

  English:

  I agree with Rebel, I had a discussion with my sister on this subject. My Mother as many of you know has Alzheimers and Lyphoma <? on sp> My middle sister who is the trouble maker in the family, was down visiting my Mother and told my older sister that she thought my step-dad was seeing someone. I think I made my sister mad but I spent almost 7 weeks with my Mother 2 years ago she had degenerated even more since then and I believe that he is LONELY plain and simple as you said I believe that sometimes you grieve for the loss of that person before they pass because they aren't the same. I know my Mother is violent and difficult and do I want him to be seeing someone else NO but I believe I understand how lonely he is.

  I think it's shocking to see someone that soon "replace" someone but they are gone and no matter what you may feel it's not you or your life so I try to understand. As far as Thunder I told him if he replace me that soon I'd HAUNT his ass! LOL
• 

  MrMoe

  Everybody is different... with my divorce it took me over a year to get "over" him and I still carry a great deal of pain, perhaps I always will.

  4 months isn't long at all, but perhaps he is in such emotional turmoil it is what he needs, like a rebound thing. Sadly though rebounds rarely work for the best.
• 

  Shakita

  My father-in-law lost his wife to breast cancer 11 years ago. Seems like yesterday. A great, caring woman. Their relationship was a deeply loving one. After she died, my father-in-law starting living with a woman that was a mutual friend of them both. This was after about 4 months or so after her death. The family was a little taken aback by how quick he had found someone new. But, in the end, we all wished them well. Life is so short, why live it in the pettyness of propriety. They eventually got married and are living happily to this day.

  Mrs. Shakita
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  Francois

  I suspect that this person has been going through the grieving process since the onset of this terrible condition from which his wife suffered. And you said that was two years, right? So in total, he's been going through the steps of greiving for two years and four months. That's quite sufficient for most people.

  What do you hope to accomplish by "telling him that I know about his new lady?" What possible business of yours is that? If I were him and you made such a remark to me, I would be inclined to punch out your lights for poking your nose into a place where it had no business.

  In situations like this, I firmly believe that unless your opinion is requested, it's better for you to withhold it. It strikes me as way, way too witness like to be butting in like you suggest you might do.

  francois
• 

  OUTLAW

  How long does grief last? Personal experience tells me,a long,long,long time.It sucks...OUTLAW
• 

  rebel

  I have to agree with Francois. Everyone deals with things differently. What may seem weird to one person is perfectly normal to another.

  This guy is doing what he knows best to deal with the situation.

  And Outlaw, I agree - grief sucks. It has certainly sucked the life out of me!

  xxR
• 

  outoftheorg

  Grief lasts for as long as we live. Hopefully it diminishes as time goes by, but it is never completely gone.

  When there is a great loss in ones life, we are inclined to correct this loss quickly. At times we do things that surprise others and even ourselves. Some times our acts turn out to be foolish. Sometimes they don't.

  In any case it is not helpful to ask inapropriate questions or to give unrequested advice. It is good to keep up a helpful attitude, offering assistance in any way to the troubled person and waiting for them to ask for our advice or help before questioning their choices.

  It is good to see you are concerned and willing to assist your friend. Just knowing you are there, if needed, is quite helpful for your friend. It is obvious that you have good intentions.

  Outoftheorg
• 

  Mulan

  Back in 1977 my brother's wife died tragically, a few hours after childbirth. (botched C section, in the emergency room, and she bled out..........no transfusion of course..........baby was stillborn) He remarried 3 months later, almost to the day. They had a baby right away too, and divorced when the baby was 4 months old. It was a disaster.

  We all realize now that he was trying to replace all that he had lost, and too quickly married a woman he was not compatible with. He was very handsome, rich and a prominent elder. He met a pioneer on a business trip, and she was overwhelmed and he, too quickly got engaged. No one could talk to him, or change his mind, because he was still in shock. It took him years of therapy to really confront his grief.

  One of our older (70) elders lost his wife, who had been a stroke patient for many years. He remarried about six months later, but his wife had been lost to him for years, and was in a home because she was literally paralyzed and required more care than he could handle. No one thought less of him for it, and their marriage was very happy, until his death about 3 or 4 years later.

  For some, it works out great, but for others it is really a disaster. I guess every situation is different. Just be happy for them, because it might work out, and be there to lend an ear if it doesn't.