I have started this, then restarted it, and it still sucks to even write this out - but my younger sister passed away unexpectedly last Saturday (on my birthday). I am going through all the grieving emotions, but there is more to the story that I could never and would never talk about to anyone that didn't understand the JW rhetoric. So...here I am.
My sister has had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) for as long as I can remember. She refused any psychological help that my parents tried to get her, and instead, blamed everyone for her shortcomings, failures, problems, and anger. But the main target of her hatred was ME! And yes, I said hatred because more than once in our lives, she has outright said she hates me to my face, and this includes once as adults. Let me preface my sisters actions this way: she has attacked me several times, she has yelled, screamed, gotten in my face, called me names, lied about me, started so many 'smear campaigns' against me that I lost count, cyber stalked and harassed me, and basically has attempted what a court of law would legally consider 'character assassination' - mind you, this has gone on from kids up to adults (in our 30s). I have always ALWAYS wanted to be close to her, to be real sisters and best friends, but there has always been this block she puts up and it way surpassed sibling rivalry. Despite her treatment of ME, I was always the first person she called when she needed help. When she got pregnant and needed a place to live - ME. When she needed a babysitter - ME. When she just wanted company - ME. When she needed to borrow money - ME. When she and the baby needed a place to live because she was sick of our parents 'running her life' - ME. And in the end, none of that mattered, because whenever she felt slighted or left out, left behind, or didn't like what you said...the BPD took over and her anger knew no bounds. Unless you have dealt with someone who has this mental disorder, I don't think you can understand the serious lack of control these people have when it comes to anger. Each time, I would go to my parents and beg for them to help me...beg for them to check her attitude, do something, do anything?! But it was always met with "you are the older one, you need to be the example for her" OR I would get the "well what did you do to get her worked up?" When it came to her, we all walked on eggshells...everyday...and it made me a nervous wreck.
Fast forward to 10yrs ago, I was DFd for 2yrs and had no intentions of going back. My family had cut me out of their lives, but my sister swore that my niece and I would always have a relationship because she was would never stop talking to me. Well...as usual...all it took was ONE angry outburst and that changed. My parents offered her a deal: they would financially look after she and my niece IF she made the choice not to have any dealings with me. She took the deal. :-( The led to her calling and telling me I was now dead to she and my niece, and to never contact them again. Her obsession with attacking me continued, because months after that, she sent me scathing emails about how bad of a person I am...how she was glad our parents cut me off...how I needed to remove all pictures off my social media of she and my niece because we were no longer her family. I had to eventually contact our father and demand a cease and desist otherwise I would take legal action. She stopped, but the damage was done. I was broken...and that was the last we ever spoke. Now during this 10yr period of separation, my sister has done some majorly crazy things, she has taken advantage of a lot of people and been cut off by them also, she has lied on my name and been cruel (this is all 2nd hand information I've been told my mutual acquaintances and our own extended family). So needless to say, we have never been close. It made me sad that she was so mean to me, but I long mourned that separation and accepted that it most likely was healthier emotionally and mentally for me in the end.
...and then she passed. I will never forget that moment I got the call. I still can't believe MY baby sister is gone. Like just GONE. And now any opportunity there could've EVER been to make amends, if that would even be possible, is gone with her. But the part that makes me mad is that I don't mourn HER. She was horrible to me, and I can't rationally make sense of mourning someone who was that way. But I mourn the lost chances...the years SHE wasted blocking me out of her life...the fact that she was sad, and lonely, and angry at the world and all she wanted was to be loved, but never could get that....learning that she had 1 close friend, and realizing that I had always WISHED her best friend would be ME, her big sister. SMH! Anyhow, I have gone to see my parents 3x now, and they have let me in their house (a place I have been unwelcome in for 12yrs), and was able to have an adult and frank convo with my own mother. THAT I am grateful for. But as JWs aren't to be outdone, what was a normal convo immediately turned into the JW bs of "you need to come back"..."I love Jehovah more than you and your sister, and I believe his word the Bible, so I will do whatever he wants me to do"..."you need to get your life together'?!?!?!?!?! I told my mom that I will come back, if that's what she wants, BUT she has to live with knowing that I don't believe in JWs version of God and religion, and that I would in fact be living a lie - so IF she is ok with that, then cool. she started to cry and kept saying out loud "I can't believe you have turned your back on what you were taught from infancy up"! I mean, my folks are elderly, they are now going to have to raise my niece, and my mom is disabled. I am their only living child, I am married, grown, financially established, gainfully employed, have a strong circle of friends - everything except be a JW, but that seems to be all that matters, and it is ridiculous. It makes me so angry that despite me putting MY life aside to literally do whatever my parents need/want in order to help them, despite their shunning and cruel treatment of ME, I am still being judged because I was DF'd. Me being their child and wanting to help in their time of need means LESS than my 'standing' in a religion. It makes me sick to even think about it. My mom ALSO told me that I can come to my sisters memorial at the Khall and that the friends will probably be nice to me?! Um...ok?! Mind you my sister hasn't been active in years and she also wasn't raising my niece as a JW either (but my mom said that will change immediately because my niece will need the support of the 'friends'). Why not the support of her own aunt who is blood and family? Moving forward, I am working really hard with my therapist through my mixed feelings about my sister, and I know I sound cold and harsh, but I am lost on HOW to feel at the moment. Add on my JW parents bs, and things are all over the place. All the feelings I mourned years ago when my family cut me off, have crept back up, and I have a gut feeling once the memorial service is over, the shunning will go right back to normal - and that is something I will again have to 'mourn'. It is like this never-ending circle of shit.
I just needed to get this out. Thank you to whomever reads it...honestly. It is a lot, but I feel better actually writing this out and talking about what I dealt with and am dealing with.