Feel like I've failed

by Mr Negative 10 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Mr Negative

  I need to get this off my chest, as I don't have many people to talk to about it who would understand.

  I feel like I've failed my family, as not only have I been unable to get my parents and brother to see sense regarding the cult, but now my sister, who never got baptised but managed to escape twenty years ago, is now seriously considering going back for various "emotional" reasons, and I know that she won't listen to me.

  I know they have all made their own decisions (at least, to the extent that brainwashed people can make their own decisions), and I can't really blame myself (even though I was the one who, when only ten years old, convinced my Mum to listen to the poor lady on the doorstep out of politeness rather than just shut the door on her - so it IS all indirectly my fault), but it still feels like I've failed them.
  
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  pale.emperor

  Hardly. Anyone can be recruited into a cult. All those years ago when you convinced your mum to listen you did what you considered to be best at that time.

  Your sister returning for emotional reasons is quite common. People can be out for decades and then go back, the cult never left them entirely. And they think they need to be accepted by someone outside of themselves.

  It's not your responsibility for peoples reactions or decisions mate. Your family will see sense eventually, either when they're old and the big A still hasn't come. Or some scandal is exposed in the future. But even then it's down to them how they'll process that information.

  The only thing we can do is work on ourselves.
  
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  Mr Negative

  I know that what you're saying makes sense, but I still can't help thinking that I should have done more.
  
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  punkofnice

  Hello, Neggy

  I feel like I've failed my family, as not only have I been unable to get my parents and brother to see sense regarding the cult,

  This is not down to you. It's not your problem, it's theirs.

  and I can't really blame myself (even though I was the one who, when only ten years old, convinced my Mum to listen to the poor lady on the doorstep out of politeness

  Still their problem irrespective. Don't beat yourself up.
  
  

  I still can't help thinking that I should have done more.

  Less, more, it's all futile and irrelevant in the end. We maybe think it's down to us and we are in some way responsible, but in these situations, we're blameless. We all make our own minds up and are responsible for our own carve ups. Would you blame them if it was the other way around?

  So. Stop beating yourself up. Get on with your life and let them be. Listen to some positive music and smile.
  
  
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  days of future passed

  What if..... you didn't talk your mom into listening to her and the lady came back a month later and converted her? How would you feel about the situation now? Relieved and saying to yourself, it's too bad they are in this crappy religion, but it was their choice?

  Well, I often get hung up over What Ifs ? ? ? ? ?

  But after awhile, I say to myself, I can't change the past, I have to just go on. You can neither change the past (like in a movie) or their decisions.

  As a ten year old, did you know what the religion was about? No. You had empathy for a poor little old lady which shows you are a caring individual. Just like now, you are caring about your family.

  Regrets are hard to deal with but by dwelling on them, you will not be helpful to yourself or them. (hahaha so says me who has to deal with this almost everyday) But I did get better at it.
  
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  steve2

  Sounds like you still carry JW baggage in feeling responsible for what other adults choose to believe and do.

  Do you remember ever being reminded at meetings that you would be blood guilty if you didn't do your fair share of door-knocking - a statement designed to make you take on responsibility for other people's actions or inactions?

  Besides, you will already know if you share your "apostate" views with still-in family, there'd be grounds for judicial action against you if they reported you?

  It is hard separating facts from feelings - but you need to remind yourself that ultimately adults are responsible for their own choices and it is not your job to "save" them from their chosen beliefs. Besides, you will know how receptive they are to different points of view and may find you can discreetly raise issues of concern in a more Socratic manner but you are not required to do so.
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  berrygerry

  We are trying to rescue people from A CULT. The problem does not lie with WT being A CULT. The problem lies with the number of people needing or wanting to be inside a high-control group.

  http://www.jwfacts.com/watchtower/fear-cult-mind-control.php

  In The True Believer, a book on mass movements, Eric Hoffer suggests at least a third of the population are "true believers." They are joiners and followers, people who want to give away their power, looking for answers, meaning, and enlightenment outside themselves. This type of person is "not intent on bolstering and advancing a cherished self, but are those craving to be rid of unwanted self." This type of person is "eternally incomplete and eternally insecure!" and can easily be transformed into fanatics who will gladly work and die for their holy cause whether politics, churches, businesses or social cause groups. Mass movements generally have a charismatic ruler, and a devil. This type of person is unlikely to be reading this site, they don't want to know. Neither am I convinced that this type of person should stop being a Jehovah's Witness. If they do they most likely will become involved in a similar organization that also uses manipulation to force its members into a prescribed way of life.
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  Crazyguy

  The cults major pull is its people. The social aspect is huge. Your family is still there most likely because of this and your sister is missing something in her life thinking this will be the fix. It's hard to get people to wake up.
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  StarTrekAngel

  Is just natural. A mechanism of survival. Belonging gave humans a sense of security. Unfortunately, few would understand that you can belong without being in a named group. Once that has been brought up to you (the idea that if you are not part of anything you don't belong anywhere) then it is pretty hard to change your view. Simply look at patriotism and nationalism. What would you do if you were denied citizenship in every country of the world? Who would provide you justice and protection?

  Can't blame people as much as those who understand and exploit your natural tendencies.
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  OnTheWayOut

  Mr Negative

  I know that what you're saying makes sense, but I still can't help thinking that I should have done more.

  I feel that I tried everything with my wife. Many of us get the idea that the more you push, the more someone resists. The ultimate thing we can do sometimes is fall on our sword. That won't work for most of our loved ones, but perhaps for a child coming of age and able to question things when we do it. What I mean is, we can be open about our opposition to the cult, stating why it's a dangerous mind-control cult. We can accept that we will be disfellowshipped and lose contact with many family members. That way, the person we are trying to help will see how important these issues are, what we are willing to suffer.
  
  Do ya see how that won't work for most adult loved ones? They shut down their ability to think against the cult rules.

  Many of us have been where you are- wondering what we should have/could have done. We do what we can and that is it.