Hello FormerlyS&L,
First off I'd like to say that despite the already enormous pressure you're under, I admire the way you continued to hang in there during your the not so friendly introduction you had on this site. I'm glad you gave us another try and understood the suspicious reaction (including mine) that your first post was met with. It speaks volumes about you and how you must have been as an Elder. Thank you for realizing that we are a large group of folks who were once trusting but were deceived in a very big way and are determined not to have it happen again. We are in various stages of repair and growth and some of us have a way to go yet.
It seems to me that you are the very kind of person who should be and elder yet time and time again, the good ones, the honest and caring ones, like you are eaten alive by the political bureaucratic aspect of the position.
As bad as things seem right now, can you imagine how it would be if you'd have given in to the pressure to marry and were now, on top of everything else, having to go through a divorce and possibly have children involved? In my case, it was the gruesome loss of a family member due to the blood issue, that started my journey into the Jehovah's Witness no mans land, that we all have experienced. I'm glad you don't have that to deal with in addition to what you're already experiencing.
No matter how many experiences I hear like yours, it astounds me how horrible these supposedly loving people can be to those who's life situation for one reason or another has become in their view less than the cookie cutter perfect image they expect to see. When they see someone like you having doubts, it scares them to their very core. Their beliefs and faith are on shaky grounds and require constant bolstering. They cannot tolerate seeing any sort of weakness in others and will go to great lengths to punish anyone who reminds them of their own.
Anyway, it seems like you've been able to set the initial panic aside and are thinking more clearly and positively about your next steps. I'm glad to hear you've been able to backpedal a little with the elders and buy yourself a more time. This time next year, you'll have grown and gain strengths you never had. In the meantime, I hope the advice you have been given so far has been helpful and that you'll continue to keep us posted as to your progress.