I just don't have the lies to give... (page 2)

smiddy

freddos comment was good + and that should mean a lot to her to know your thoughts are with her.

freddo

I can't take much credit.

About two months ago I googled "what to say to friend diagnosed with cancer" and similar to that came up somewhere. She seemed to appreciate the sentiment and so it seems appropriate.

I can give some input from the parents' point of view, as our child was born at 23 weeks. (Hence I've blathered on a bit here.)

In short: don't sweat it, Capt. Schmido. We got lots of platitudes - they came across as flippant rather than reassuring - so, be genuine and avoid them, I say. People are always full of trite things, but few offer actual practical help....

SO: Stand out from the crowd, as suggested above, by doing something actual/practical. Even the simplest things will make the world of difference, but please bear in mind the parents will be hunkered down into protection mode. Don't take this as rejection of your help or friendship - which is something that happened to us, and which we then blamed ourselves for.

If you live close enough, ask when would be best to visit for literally 5-10 minutes to drop off some pre-cooked food, or offer to help do some housework, shopping, errands.
If they want to just sit there and hold your hand, hug, vent, cry, or even say/do nothing - just *be there* for that. Their minds will be racing non-stop, so sometimes NOT talking about the situation (or anything at all!) might be the best thing.

Long term, when baby comes home (being positive here) they will be extra exhausted, more than with a typical newborn. Again practical help is what is needed.

In the first couple of months/years it's likely they will be over-protective of the child, so if they may turn down offers to pass the baby over/around at meetings. If you still go to the KH, don't use this as a reason to pull further and further away from them and the child, even with (who I thought were) close friends. We were never rejecting them - we we constantly backpeddling. No one tried to get to know & accept the "new us", or our son's already obvious personality

Likewise, if as a result of the prematurity if the child has learning/behavioural difficulties or disability, again don't be afraid to keep offering help and get to know them.
Don't distance yourself if the parents (albeit shortsightedly) try to be self-sufficient. If you ask, a closed "is there anything I can do", it's quite likely they will say no as when you have a prem baby you just kinda "get on" with it.

Rather, *you* think of specific things to ask to help with, for example

"can I help to/can you show me how to change such a tiny nappy?"
"Can you show how best to hold him"
"Do you like <food type> and can i bring some over?"

False friends either glare at the family when the kid is extra noisy or projectile vomits in the meetings, or will laugh as the parent runs past them after the kid at the kingdom/assembly and remark that they've "got their hands full there", (oh really?! Thanks for that insight.) without doing anything to help stop the kid.

Shitty elders will make sure to check you're still keeping up on your personal study. #really
Really shitty elders will give special needs talks about parents controlling kids in meetings, and/or banish you to the infamous backroom...#yesreally

Oh: I forgot. We did get one bowl of carrot soup from the elder's wife that lived next door but one. That was nice.

Twitch

I just don't have the lies to give...

Then give your honesty You'll sleep better...

I just don't have the lies to give...

smiddy

freddo

Andy Dufresne

Twitch

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