i'm changing, but for the worse

by embarrassed 24 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  John Aquila

  embarrassed

  When i was a jw I really valued telling the truth and being an honest person.

  When I was a JW I had a framework of good morals because I was in fear of an invisible God that would kill me if I stepped out of line.

  But when I finally left, I became free from being judge by an ancient God who was over ancient people in an ancient culture.

  Nevertheless I still have a judge that I have to answer to, and that is the living people whose lives are directly affected by my actions and whose actions directly affect my life.

  So I have tried to develop a moral system that is neither dogmatically absolute nor irrationally relative. My morality now is more of a tolerant ethic. So we should try to live and love and learn to temper our conduct and temptations and do the right thing.

  If your BF is not willing to trust you and work together with you to bring out the best in you as a human being,---- is he the type of person that you want to be with 30 years down the road?

  If instead of helping you grow to be the best you can be as a person, and your BF literally brings out the worst in you, then your life is going to be one big struggle?

  Who you decide to allow too take a part of your life will affect the person you will eventually become.

  You have to set the rules on what is acceptable to your feelings and makeup. You have to decide what makes you happy. If your BF loves you, he will work with you. But if he doesn’t want to work with you, then you have a decision to make.
• 

  Sabin

  Embarrassed, First let me say that you are a good person, you would not care that you lied at all if you were not good. Also what you are feeling is guilt not shame, they are different, shame is what others put on us guilt is what we ourselves feel from the inside. The unfortunate fact is that when we have been in the JW we only learn to have the values that they tell us to have. Yes some of them are good, like being honest with people, however you need to remember that WTBTS is hypocritical themselves when it comes to such matters.

  I would suggest that you start to learn about yourself about who you really are & who you really want to be. Example: The other day I bought a d.v.d. Spartacus, 18+, would never have watched this before cause the JW forbade it. I didn't watch the whole series because I discovered that I actually didn't like it. The over the top sex & violence was pointless, took away from the story made me feel brain dead. On the whole I found it lacked intelligence. The point is ME/MYSELF & I, worked that out on my own. Now I know for myself I don't like 18+ movies. So I wont watch them again.

  Sit down quietly think about your own true self & make a list of your own values. if honesty is something you treasure then start by being honest with yourself & forgive yourself for not being perfect. We all f..k up at times. Hope this helps.
• 

  GrreatTeacher

  I've never believed that being brutally honest is always the right thing to do.

  Because the answer to, "Does this dress make me look fat?" is always an emphatic, "No!"
• 

  OUTLAW

  I've never believed that being brutally honest is always the right thing to do.

  Because the answer to, "Does this dress make me look fat?" is always an emphatic, "No!"

  There`s lying.....Then there`s a Basic Instinct to Survive..

  "No" is always the right answer to that question...

  .

  ...........I LOOK FAT.................oh gawd..
  

  IN THIS DRESS??!!...............somebody save me..
  

  ..........
• 

  Vidiot

  @ stuckinarut2...

  Stretching.. twisting... tying it in knots...
• 

  LisaRose

  Why would you want to be with someone who called you a liar, even when you told the truth? Maybe you are lying because you know he wouldn't like the truth, in which case you are taking the easy way out. If he is a jerk about things, and it sounds like he is, then who can blame you? If you are lying for no particular reason, then you have a problem and need therapy to figure out why you are a compulsive liar. If you lie because your boyfriend is a jerk, then the solution is simple, dump the boyfriend.
• 

  Vanderhoven7

  You say your bf lies. How do you know he is not lying to you? Sounds to me like his inability to believe you is related to his own lack of honesty. In other words he is projecting.

  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection

  
  Psychological projection, also known as blame shifting, is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against unpleasant impulses by denying their existence in themselves, while attributing them to others. For example, a person who is rude may constantly accuse other people of being rude.

  
  

  Sounds to me like you are too dependent on this individual who has deep trust (major red flag) issues. Consider life without him.
  

  
  
  
• 

  jwfacts

  If you boyfriend did not trust you when you were saying the truth, then it is a good indication that he is not an honest person.

  I have changed a lot of my standards, but honesty is the one thing I have adamantly held to. My level of honesty shocks a lot of people, intrigues them, and results in forming great levels of trust.

  It sounds to me that your view of honesty has been damaged by your boyfriend. Don't let that experience taint you.
• 

  talesin

  As JWs, we were expected to be 'perfect'.

  You said that your BF did not believe the things you told him about your life, from the very beginning of your relationship. That is a red flag - he has trust issues, so can *he* be trusted?

  This need to please, can be especially difficult to overcome when we have newly left the LIE. We were taught that leaving the b'Org meant we would always be alone, so the fear is ingrained. On top of that, the JW love is conditional, so our neural pathways are set on one message: Tell people what they want to hear, or they won't love you! Your BF reinforced that message by being mistrustful of you from day one.

  That's not to say he is necessarily a toxic person - most people have some issues - that is for you to determine.

  You don't need to hide who you are, in order to be loved.
  

  New neural paths can be created. Just like in nature, we can forge a new path, and over time, it will become the natural way to go, as the old path gets clogged with undergrowth and becomes harder to find.

  This is one of the purposes of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Once you figure out what you need to do (Transactional Analysis and other therapeutic techniques are very effective), then change your behaviours.

  Here's a good example of one thing I had to change. I had that 'bad parent' in my head who always said "That was stupid!" So, every time I had that abusive thought, I would correct myself and say......... "If I had to do that over again, I would do it differently.." Healthy people make mistakes, too. : ) After a while (and it took a while), I stopped thinking "That was stupid", and would think "Doh! I'll do it different the next time". I created a new neural path, and this meant I was no longer punishing myself unfairly.
  

  Do some research online, read some books, and a great choice may be to see a counsellor or therapist to help you work through these issues.

  But at all times, remember this:
  
  You is kind. You is smart. You is important. ~ Kathryn Stockett, The Help

  xx

  EDIT: Just saw your post, Van - agreed. As Dan Savage would say, DTMFA : ) Every relationship is a learning experience, though.
• 

  stuckinarut2

  Exactly as Jwfacts said above!