i feel like I don't have anyone to talk to.... people that know me & interact with me have no clue the turmoil I'm going thru inside, I pretend like nothing is wrong with my life
Writing down your feelings here can be helpful. And I hope you can find someone in real life that you can feel comfortable with to stop pretending and help you heal... and give you a hug when you need one.
I had the huge advantage of free psychologist and psychiatrist visits when I was attending university, It was extremely helpful.
Since then, I've opened up to varying degrees to a few of the nonJWs in my life. Where I work, I hit it off with the HR manager right away. In my resume and interview, I included several things about my work in Bethel. I actually had a photoalbum of my various work experiences and found it much easier to describe all my skills with the pictures. So I would gloss over the religious part and talk about the skills I developed there.
Some time after I was hired, I started filling in the HR manager about my WT experience. She had taken the magazines from JWs before, to be polite. Every so often I'll fill her in on some of the crazy JW things like disfellowshipping, holidays, etc. I find it therapeutic, and she finds it surprising and interesting. It's a huge difference telling the psychologist who would be empathetic, calmly listen, and never acted surprise, than telling some of the same things to this HR manager and she's in shock, swearing about how crazy WT rules are. Quite an emotional reaction compared to the quiet and measured psychologist. But both very helpful.
I have the luxury of close relationships with my faded siblings. For as different as we are from one another, we have really stuck together to become happy exJWs.