Need Support Tonight

Charmed

I feel so alone tonight. I thought I'd get on here and find some support. My husband and I got into a fight last night. He was nagging me about the laundry. I told him, "Hey, you know where the washing machine is." He replied with, "Why don't you just go back to the cult." He later apologized for that hurtful comment, but I can't seem to get it out of my mind. We started dating back when I was still "active" and quite brainwashed. And I know that probably I am partly to blame for his attitude on me doing all the housework because I even told him once that I wanted to be submissive to him. Can you believe that??!!! I was so dumb back then and now I know better.

I guess it just hurts so much because I feel like he's the only person in the world who truly understands what I went through. He's the only one who saw me crying night after night at the thought of losing my family and then mourning my friends that abandoned me when I started dating him. He's actually the one who opened my eyes to the "truth." How could he ever even think such a horrible thing as me going back to the cult?

free will

sorry you're having a bad night. i hope you and hubby have a good heart to heart. get out all the skeletons and jump this hurdle together.

nowisee

hi charmed,

im sure your husband does not think you will go back to the cult. im sure he knows better. he probably just made this remark in a moment of anger without really thinking it through. im glad he apologized. hopefully he was sincere, you can accept this apology and move on.

it seems to me that there is an issue of what the proper role of a wife is -- since you at one time told him you wanted to be submissive, he may be reacting if he perceives that you now want to change the "rules". you need to find out exactly what you are feeling and then communicate. talking it out will make both of you feel better.

unless this remark becomes a repeated pattern, it is not even a blip on the radar. you will get through it.

best wishes, nowisee

jgnat

Charmed, with the little experience I have with men, I do figure most of them are pretty dense. I bet his thinking did not go any farther than - "That was a nasty remark, right back atcha!" and he said the most hurtful thing he could think of.

It worked. Too well.

Next step, "How do I dig myself out of this hole I just dug for myself?" After several years of marriage, most men, dense or not, have it down to a handy formula; Apologize, Apologize, Apologize.

You can help him along this road by taking the soft approach. "Honey, I am sorry I snapped at you like that about the laundry. Let's work something out that makes us both happy. By the way, you must feel REALLY BAD about that cult crack....wanna make it up to me?

But hey, that's just me and how I work this stuff out. You know your man best.

DJ

How could he ever even think such a horrible thing as me going back to the cult?

Hello Charmed,

I doubt that your husband actually meant that! I think that he just wants clean sox and underwear! I really do. Chin up girl, and wash the clothes....lol. I don't think that it is so horrible to be 'submissive' to your husband unless he's a jerk... I have a question for you though....Are you behind on chores because you feeling down and/or confused about the teachings of the watchtower? I ask that, because if your husband knows that you have unresolved issues with those teachings then maybe he is giving you a hint to try to get beyond it. Just don't expect him to be able to really inderstand what you went through and are still coping with. It truly is something that only a former cult member can get their head around to understand. Many non jw's try to understand and I think that they are sincere in trying to help but the reality is, they just aren't able to know what it feels like. It makes a huge difference in the way we are able to relate to each other. Take care and find the answers to your doubts and concerns. There are answers to all of them! Love, dj

Charmed

Thanks everyone for your encouragement and advice. Nowisee, I think you are probably right that this is mostly about what I am expected to do as his wife. I don't mind doing the laundry. I just want him to understand that I do it because I love him and I choose to do this kind of stuff because I know it helps him out, not because I'm his little slave and he orders me to.

lost_and_searching

Glad things have settled down for you tonight. I know only too well how a place like this is needed to just come and do a bit of venting. I wish I had had this place a long time ago!!! LOL My husband and I have been married almost 23 years and I left the cult for him. (or did I use him to leave the cult? hummmmmm.....) And we went thru that period which you described tonight MANY, MANY times. We women raised in the Borg, are taught to be subserviant to our husbands. And unless we stand up for ourselves from time to time and do some arguing, we will let ourselves be walked all over. Good for you for speaking out......and good for you for accepting your husband's apology and moving on. Afterall, that is all we CAN do.......move on......and keep growing outside of the Borg.

Anytime you need to vent.....feel free. Not only doess it help release the anger, but it also helps hearing others' viewpoints.

Hang in there, and BIG HUGS of support, ~Bobbi

Ravyn

Dear Charmed,

I dont know how old you are but.....that male-thang rears its ugly head just when you think you got the only male who does not buy into it. It is just male, sigh. So what happens when my male comes at me with some pig headed remark like that is I fire right back at him. yeah sometimes it gets rough and we hurt each others feelings, and maybe it could be handled differently--but hey, it is how WE handle it. and usually we both apologize and have fun making up. I know I have hurt him worse than he has hurt me at times. but that is just me--I fight back, I learned to the hard way. don't ever let it go 24 hours--thats the key. apologize even if you are not sorry, just to end it---and by the time you go thru the motions---you WILL be sorry and it will be genuine and you will feel better. I remember this corny story about a wife and husband who fought and decided to split up....they each started packing boxes to move out and the husband grabbed her gently by the shoulders and put her in one of the boxes. She asked him what he was doing and he replied back to her that he was taking the only thing he wanted to keep.

Ravyn

Charmed

I am 24. My husband and I have been married almost 2 years. I'm so glad there are people out there who understand me and who have been through this before.

Lost,

I know what you mean when you wonder if you left the cult for your husband or did you use your husband to leave the cult. I wonder the same thing about myself sometimes. I think it's probably a little of both.

You all have made me feel so much better. Thank you so much. I'm so thankful there's a place out there like this!

RAYZORBLADE

Hi Charmed, looks like many kind and generous remarks have been offered.

I'm sure things will be OK.

You've been through plenty, no doubt. Having a good heart to heart with your husband will do wonders.

Then: you two can do the laundry, TOGETHER

Best wishes.

Need Support Tonight

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