The "overly attached witness parents" problem

scaredtospeak

It's so good to finally be nineteen years old. Graduated from high school, taken more seriously as an adult. I even have a job. With these things going for me, I've been frank with my friends and family- I'm planning to move out, hopefully in about a year.

except I'm the baby of the family, and my parents are freaking out. They think I should stay at home for a few more years, which I might consider except:

a. I hate this town

b. I'm in a long distance relationship that I no longer want to be long distance

and, c. My parents are active Jehovah's Witnesses, and I'm an active apostate.

Two years ago, when I was reproved, I didn't think I had a choice except to pretend like I was regaining spiritual health. I've restored my status in the congregation to the same it was at before. but I haven't believed in any of the watchtower doctrine in over three years.

I have the means to Move back to the state where I grew up. Two of my older brothers (that want nothing to do with the church) live there, as does my boyfriend of two years.

I don't know how to escape the crushing grasp that my parents have on my life. My biggest problem is that I genuinely love my Mom and Dad. They're good people. If they were mean and oppressive I might be able to bring myself to hate them and leave out of spite. But they treat me well. I don't want to hurt them, but I deserve my own life. Away from the church.

How do I overcome my fear of their disappointment and heartbreak so I can start my own life? Please help.

KateWild

Welcome scaredtospeak,

It's ok to move out when you're financially able to or you have other support. If your mum and dad are upset it's because their kids have all grown up.

You are not responsible to make your parents happy.

My daughter left home at 19 she's 22 now. We talk nearly everyday and I visit three times year.

She is happy and I am happy for her. She just grew up.

Kate xx

OneEyedJoe

It's a tough situation to be sure. Perhaps talking frankly about your feelings toward the current situation (I would advise to stay away from the full list of why you feel that way, since obviously criticism of the cult will not be taken well) will be enough to win their support for you to move out. You are still quite young and would do well to remember that they're motivated by what they think are in your best interests. Even if their goal is to keep you in the cult, they may still have some practical wisdom that you could benefit from and I think if you approach it with that attitude it will go much easier for you.

In the end, you have to do what's best for you. That doesn't mean making rash, impulsive decisions, but take time and get some space and figure out what you want. It sounds like you've already done this, and that you truly want to leave. That being so, then you need to leave. You can only spend so much of your life living it for someone else, be that your parents, your friends, your spouse, whoever. You have to live life for yourself, or you'll look back with regret.

You describe your parents as having a crushing grasp, but then insist that they're not mean or oppressive. I don't know which is the truth, but it sounds as if you're conflicted on that point. Their behavior doesn't have to be overt and out of malice for it to be oppressive. At a certain point they need to recognize your rights as an adult and as a free individual with your own intelligence and emotions and if they refuse to do so then I would argue that is a form of oppression as well. Withholding their emotional support and pushing you to do what they want in opposition to your desires is, in my mind, mean and oppressive. I don't say that to make you think badly of your parents, but so that hopefully you'll recognize that you do deserve to be able to direct your own life. I don't think you need to learn to hate your parents in order to be able to leave, but I do think it's important to understand that you're the one that has to live with your decisions more so than anyone else, so it's only fair that you get to make them.

Anyway I'm not sure how helpful that is, but it's my $0.02. I think the easiest way to go is just to talk to them respectfully and honestly and with the spirit of getting their valuable support/advice/wisdom in accomplishing your goals and either they'll respect and support you or they won't. If they do, you'll be in a much better situation than just storming out. If they don't support you, perhaps you'll see that they're trying to control you and fit you into their box of what you should be and maybe that will make it easier for you to strike out on your own without regret. At least you'll be able to say you tried. It may take more than one conversation, so don't give up right away, remember this is likely difficult for them too. But at the same time, stay firm.

RichardHaley

Make the move and live on your own terms. It is your life and you need to be happy. Treat your parents as you wish to be treated. It will be awkward at first for everybody but it will work out.

Welcome aboard and best to you.

the girl next door

I'm sure your parents function under the assumption that you "moving out" is also going to lead you to "leaving the religion" They don't think you are solid enough "in the truth" to maintain without their strings. Contemplating the empty nest is always difficult for parents. I had a great relationship with my parents. I left home at 19 and it was very hard on them. The difficulty in your relationship with your parents isn't the angst your moving out will cause them, instead the real difficulty is coming when they realize you are that "apostate".

Divergent

Make the move. I did the same too. No regrets!

Well, maybe just one regret. That I didn't do so earlier!

You deserve your OWN life, free from the interference of a stupid & pathetic man-made religion. Your parents might be nice, but with the influence of the cult, it's a toxic environment for you to be in & it would DEFINITELY affect you for worse. Make the move immediately when the opportunity arises, ASAP. Keep this in mind - The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave

Divergent

Oh yeah, this song is for you. Love the lyrics! =)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vx2u5uUu3DE

This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina, never backed down
Tomorrow's getting hard make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your owns breaks

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

Pete Zahut

Even under the best of circumstances, it's hard on both the parents and on the grown child when they reach that fork in the road where the child leaves the nest. Personal growth is almost always painful but in the end it can't be avoided. If you lay out a sensible plan before them and assure them that you have every intention of handling your new found freedom with maturity, it will do much to alleviate their worries. No matter what though, you will both have to push through all the emotions that this big milestone brings. You'll need to handle any objections or criticisms they may have about your plan, maturely and consider what they have to say with an open mind.

Like so many things in life, there is no right or wrong answer to this situation. Whichever route you choose to take and whatever the outcome, that will become part of the story of your life....the one you'll have to tell.

This song came mind as I read your post.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dom7VlltBUc

pbrow

"I have the means to Move back to the state where I grew up. Two of my older brothers (that want nothing to do with the church) live there, as does my boyfriend of two years."

Just put one foot in front of the other and ....

Welcome to your new life!!!!!

Grab the bull by the horns and run with it!

pbrow

Oubliette

STS: How do I overcome my fear of their disappointment and heartbreak so I can start my own life? Please help.

Great question. You can either live your entire life for other people or you can live it for yourself.

The choice is yours.

The "overly attached witness parents" problem

Share this