Thank you SpiceItUp. I appreciated what you had to say. I could probably say great many of us on this site. Have walked in the wilderness many times during our life time. I can speak for myself.
And experienced the lonliness and isolation. Having come from a dysfunctional family. Enter a dysfunctional marriage and Got myself sucked into a dysfunctional org. I did'nt learn any better. Not having the tools to recognize abuses .The thought was everybody lived this way. Total mind bender!!!
My reality was fairly narrow minded. And the dark place within myself was very painful feeling the isolation and the lonliness. Being that door mat and having lack of self esteem and self-worth.
I am grateful for having been pushed out of the org. Feeling like I just got out of prison. There's the whole wide world and feeling like this little speck in the scheme of things. Getting myself off alcohol. Many times sitting in the bar, and saying to myself there has to be more to life than this sitting here drinking day after day.
The gift in going into treatment and having many teachers helped me to walk through the wilderness. To see their is more to life.
Huge part of my recovery was support from groups over the years. In helping me to deprogram from the org. It was 5 yrs after being out of the org. I could admit to myself and to say out loud that jw's are a cult. Boy denial works in wonderous ways. And we are giving only what we can handle.
Learning ways to be in relationships and to figure out what I want in a relationship , What is healthy and what is'nt. Learning the difference. Trust is a huge issue for me. Trust is not a given but earned. Its a on going process.
Today I can feel okay being alone. But when lonliness comes into play it usually has to do with some part of self that I am feeling uncomfortable. To search for that middle ground. I do know it is'nt about me being joined at the hip with someone . I can be with some one and still feel lonely. There's that empty hole in my gut. That needs filling.
My life is a onion constantly revealing layers of that onion. Some layers are less painful than others.
I am a introvert . As a introvert I push myself to be out there to test the waters. And takes me more energy to move out. I can say I am okay in being quiet and reserved. We all are individuals.
I am grateful to be here and the forum opens many doors to recovery . For me its a matter being open. Take what I want and leave the rest that does'nt fit for me.
Thank you. OCW
