Esme
You seem as strong and solid as a rock. I guess even rocks can feel pain, eh?
SS
Haunted
by Ghost of Esmeralda 20 Replies latest jw friends
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Mary
Hi Essy;
I'm not 100% familiar with your situation, but from what I read here, your ex-husband (no doubt a real good Dub) used to abuse you so you left him and married a (gasp!) worldly man. And THIS is what all the family is so upset about?!! What century are they living in?! I guess they thought you should have just stayed in an abusive relationship and be miserable the rest of your life for appearances sake? That's pathetic and disgusting.
What happened to your ex for abusing you? Lemme guess: NOTHING! After all, a good wife should always be "in subjection" to her husband, no matter how badly he treats her and if she's not, then let's give her the boot. As for the Christian husband "loving his wife as his own body"........well, that's just a suggestion. Nothing to really hold him by.
Have you ever considered writing a letter to each of your family members telling them how you feel, why you left the religion and how un-Christian it is for them to treat you as though you don't exist? It might not do much good, but it might do you some good to express your true feelings and thoughts to them.
Yes, this religion is surely proof that Jehovah is NOT blessing this Organization.
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Sentinel
(((welcome)))
I know only too well, what it's like to be df'd, and on the outside--labeled shunned. That happened to me in my early twenties. Because it was just too painful, and I wasn't emotionally stable enough to forge a life "without them", I hurried got myself back in. It was a long process of groveling sufficiently enough. I think I realized at that point what a tragic farce it all was, but still--there was nothing else for me. My self esteem was so very low.
There were many things going on in my life that I had no control over. After years of living this way, I just couldn't do it anymore. I thought I would go crazy at the sheer lunacy of the whole package. Yet I knew the price for making the decision to walk away. Even though I was never df'd (they had to reason) my mother took it upon herself to cut herself off from me, and then it was almost common knowledge that I didn't "believe" anymore, and my friends were fearful to associate with me. My foundation bottomed out, but I just made an all out effort to get reconnected with family and friends that I'd had long before the JW thing. Most everyone welcomed me back with open arms.
What you are going through is emotional blackmail. This is when lots of folks just give up and go back. Just remember, whatever you do, be true to your heart. Listen to your heart. Find comfort in good friends and good memories. Keep building a strong foundation and "let go" if this is what you need to do. There are places like this forum that weren't available when I left. How tragic to be made to feel like one is the walking dead, with no place to belong anywhere. We need not fall into that trap. We know who and what we are! This is why cults are so damaging. They take away "self", and so one feels as if they must have the borg in order to function or be loved and accepted. That is so tragic. It is a type of sick co-dependence. I still have to fight against that tendency in my life...the feeling that I deserve bad things to happen to me.
I hope you find encouragement here. Our care and concern, ...and yes, love, is unconditional. This is what the enlightened ones like Jesus, taught mankind. The truth really will set you free. I wish you well.
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Mulan
Hi Essie.............thanks for your great email awhile back.
I think I would have to go to the wedding, if I were you. I hate the KH, but would have to go to this one, just because. It's a public place, and they can't keep you out. It will be hard for your little gal, but she is really strong too, you know.
Love you, Marilyn
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Ghost of Esmeralda
Hi again all...some replies here to things you've brought up...
Hello Mary, it's nice to meet you...you said:
I'm not 100% familiar with your situation, but from what I read here, your ex-husband (no doubt a real good Dub) used to abuse you so you left him and married a (gasp!) worldly man. And THIS is what all the family is so upset about?!! What century are they living in?! I guess they thought you should have just stayed in an abusive relationship and be miserable the rest of your life for appearances sake? That's pathetic and disgusting.
You are 110% dead on with your assessment of the situation. He was horribly controlling and emotionally abusive, and though he never hit me or punched me, he used physical intimidation (throwing things, restraining me by my arms, etc) to get his way constantly, including in the bedroom. He demeaned me, controlled me, and eroded my self esteem until I was suicidal. But I maintain that to this day, there are members of my family who would have rather I left the marriage in a body bag (via suicide, which I came very close to doing) instead of getting a divorce and a new, and better life.
I did the 'right' thing and asked the elders for help, they compared me to Job's wife and said I needed to be a 'better, more supportive wife'. That was a lot of help...not. So yeah, my family must be living in another century or something; they think I'm an adultress even though I was legally divorced before I ever got anywhere physically near the man I'm married to now.
Thank you for the welcome, Sentinal, I'm what you would call an 'old newbie' in that I'm no stranger to this forum. Looks like you came on awhile after I left, but I was a very active poster here for more than a year. Guess I wasn't ready to entirely 'graduate' from the forums yet...back for 'postgraduate' work LOL. Thank you for your support and encouragement, they are very much needed, and appreciated. I will reflect on your remarks.
Ravyn, believe me I've been tempted to write to her, but I'm sure she'd never read it...it'd just go into the garbage pail so I may as well save the postage...
SS, I don't feel particularly strong these days, but I guess the fact I haven't caved to the emotional black mail and gone back says something, doesn't it? I suppose I should remind myself of that more often...
((((((((((Mulan))))))))) Hey there lady, you know I love you :) Thanks for not forgetting about me when I was away from here. The whole reason they decided not to have my daughter in the wedding was that they didn't want me to have an excuse to show up at the event...like I've ever gone anywhere in my life where I wasn't invited, they really, truly don't know me at all if they think I'd do that. I don't need that kind of abuse, you know? You're right though about it being a public place, I think they forget that...
James: I checked out that website you recommended and I will get the book. Printed out some worksheets to do in the meantime. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz has helped me a lot, time to re-read it I think, as well as Dr. Phil's books. That man is my hero...thanks again for the heads up about Byron Katie.
hugs to all, and thanks again. I appreciate your input.
~ghost of essie
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azaria
Hi Esmerelda!
I read your post about an hour ago, but couldn't respond right away. A lot of the posts have touched me since coming here, but none as much as yours. I had a real good cry. I'm sure some of it was for me. Even though my family doesn't shun me (I'm not a JW-just my parents) I somehow could relate. I usually try to be positive and strong but there are times that becomes too much. Taking care of my mother in the past, then my husband (who I left 7 months ago) and taking care of my kids (I love them very much but it can get hard sometimes) that I just wish that somebody would take care of me. Thankfully I do have my brothers but two of them are so far away. I also have good friends. I understand that you have a good husband. Really cherish that.
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Billygoat
(((((((((((Essie))))))))))))))
*gulp*
I am in tears as I write this. I have missed you so - it is wonderful to see your little ghost!!! You are one of the first people here to have greeted me so warmly almost two years ago. (I cannot believe how long it's been!) Your original website is what led me HERE and I cannot thank you enough for that! I have hoped you have lurked during your sabbatical...so that you know how much people are growing and healing on this board...and to see how much we've missed you.
Take heart my friend. This pain is just another challenge to steel ourselves through. And people like you and I and so many others here, CAN and DO get through it. Not always gracefully, but just getting through it IS THE POINT. You are in good company here. You are WINNING!!! And I am so tickled that you are back!!!
Love,
Andi
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safe4kids
Dear (((((((Essie)))))))
I'm glad to see you back, although your post made me hurt for you. There are so many things zinging around my head right now, but one thing in particular I wanted to address:
I've immersed myself in doing charity work for the benefit of others as much as my health will allow, and I find it more fulfilling than anything I ever did to 'save the world" as a JW. But I wonder sometimes if I drive myself so hard to do so much for everyone else to prevent me from being alone with myself, or to try to convince myself that I'm not the horrible, immoral person they think I am? That I am not unredeemably evil?
First, I think that you immerse yourself in charity work because you are a good person. Having come to know you somewhat over the last year or so, I feel assured that my comment is true. I understand the pain and loss...I received a letter (I may have shared this with you before) from the child of my heart, my nephew John, who was special to me as your niece was (is) to you. In the letter he stated that he no longer considers me his aunt and wants nothing more to do with me...I carry the hope in my heart that someday the bond he and I shared will win out...when he needs me, he'll know where to come. But yeah, it hurt. (And you're right, that type of bond takes nothing away from the others...I have three wonderful nephews who enrich my life and are equally as special and unique to me).
Secondly, I can totally relate to the desire to prove yourself to yourself...just remember, please, my dear friend, that others see the good in you, that self-doubt is the weapon of choice the JW's would have you wield, and that your daughter and your husband (the people who know you BEST) see the wonderful qualities that you have and love you dearly for them. Your friends see them as well, but if you're like me, you'll tend to make allowances for the "blindness" of your friends .
Finally, I apologize for not being around much lately. Life has been happening to me (izzat good or bad??) and I've been neglectful. I'm really glad to see you back here again, and remember...venting is a good thing!
Love,
Dana
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Ghost of Esmeralda
(((((((((azaria)))))))))) a big hug for you! it sounds like you've been through a lot, i'm so sorry for that...thanks for your post.
((((((((((andie))))))))) i have thought about you so often!!! I had no idea that my website led you here, that is so good to know...sometimes i wonder if anything i did with that had any merit, but hearing you say that and knowing it helped you a little makes it worth it :) thanks for the welcome back. i'm glad that so many here have made such strides in their recoveries, and hope to keep in touch better with old friends even when i'm ready to drift away from here again.
(((((((((Dana))))))))) no apologies ever needed, sweetie. life keeping you too busy to be on the computer is definitely a good thing! you know i love you, thank you so much for your input, though you're absolutely right, i do make allowances for the opinions of friends lol. but life surprises you sometimes...just when i thought i couldn't possibly be smiling today, two friends from out of state called and said they want to drive up here and see me next week. driving all the way from the east coast, just to see me. wow. unreal. so even though my family no longer values me as a human being, i guess there are still people who do.
thanks everyone for your responses...
essies ghost
"god help the outcasts..."
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Victor_E
Hi Essie,
:::::Haunted still, after all this time.
No you just needed to pen your feeling and thoughts and there is no shame in that.
::::Most of the time, I am able to separate who I am today from who I was five years ago.
Write me privately and I will help you with this. [email protected]
::::Soon, it'll be the five year anniversary of my disfellowshipping. About six years since I stopped caring what the rank and file in the congregation thought of me, and ten since I believed a word they said from the podium.
Congrats, go out and celebrate it.
:::::There have been two weddings, and a funeral in my family since that time. I have attended only the funeral, the results of which were very unsettling (as any who may remember the lengthy post I wrote about it know).
One meaning this has is you are a sensitive human being with principles worth fighting for.
::::Now, wedding number three is approaching rapidly, with the plethora of family discomforts that accompany it. There is sadness, yes, it's like a knife to the heart that I will not get to see my cousin get married. I loved this one extra since the day she was born. She was "my" baby, never left my hip or my sight from birth to age six when her parents moved away. She was in my first wedding, I was there for every dance recital, every appearance in school plays.
It is only understandable that she is like a child of yours and close to your heart.
::::Yes, she was my favorite. Not that I didn't love the others, and dearly, too, but she and I were kindred spirits due to our position, and birth order, in our families. We both got what was left of our parents, if anything, after our siblings got the best of them.
You are probably astral family with her. Your bond and love for one another can never be broken or destroyed just put on hold.
::::::She's getting married next week. Just a few miles from my house. It's creepy enough that she's marrying in the same hall, having the reception in the same place as I did when I got married the first time. Even stranger, my daughter is going, with my ex husband and his wife. They will sit at the family table, hell, I even bought her a dress to wear and will put it on her, do her hair, kiss her and send her out the door to attend the blessed event. They will pose in family pictures, with the woman who married my ex standing in my place.
You are in over your head emotionally write to me, if you include your number I will call ya.
:::::My daughter is seven now, old enough to have her own opinions on the whole JW thing, and she thinks it's horrible that the family continues to exclude me. Her life is very close to what I always dreamed it could be...she has holidays, birthdays, tolerance for the beliefs of others. Her world is so much larger, and broader, than mine ever was.
Your great sacrifice has not been in vain. Your future generations will be proud of you.
:::::While she hates seeing what the family is doing to me, she's torn because she too loves these people, and I can't deny her the chance to be at this event when it means so much to her. (my ex has made sure she spent lots of time with, and is close to, the family that shuns me) For her, I am allowing it. Also because it will reinforce to her that their love is conditional; something she has already learned about her father.
You are doing the honorable spiritual thing, it still hurts but it won’t kill you.
::::It seems after five years, with no plans of getting reinstated, that my family is getting very, very frustrated with and angrier than ever at me. They never imagined I'd stay out this long.
They are victims victimizing you, forgive them and bless them.
:::::My oldest (very active) JW sister commenced complete shunning of me last year, after 4 years of being willing to take the heat for seeing me on a regular basis. My grandmother, whom I love dearly and who is in very ill health, returned from a winter down south to say to me yesterday "I wish you'd get yourself right with the group and be part of the family again. It's breaking my heart." Not what you want to hear from a woman who practically raised you, and who is in very, very frail health.
We all feel for you and share in your pain. This has to be the most despicable thing that the Watchtower leadership is most guilty of. They too will someday face their karmic debt they have accrued.
:::I'm not part of the family? Did I leave them? No. I left their cult, but not them. They left me. By choice. My door has always been open to them, but they won't cross the gap to come through it.
It’s their cult mind doing it not their heart. They are very far removed from their own heartfelt feelings. If they really knew what you know they would not do this to you.
::::They say that I'm the one at fault, that I caused this mess and that I am to blame for the rift in the family.
All that matters is what you know to be true in your heart and soul.
;;;;;My ex husband knows damn well that things never should have happened as they did and I believe his conscience is still guilty. My mother said he's always very pensive at these family functions, and has even said to her in the past "She (meaning me) should be here." I am forever damned because I left a man who abused me, and married one who treats me like gold.
Your ex is a sick and twisted puppie
:::::The next week is going to be hell on earth as the family continues to squirm, turn the screws, and bring back ghosts of a past that I thought maybe, just maybe was really behind me.
This is just a road marker for you and a measurement of your evolution. These people have no more power over you other than what you give them.
::::But it's not. I'm still haunted. How can I not be,
You are just being jerked back to the future.
::::: when every member of my family except me is still in the collective? Knowing that they twist, and turn when they hear things coming from the platform that aren't true...knowing that my second sister, who returned to meetings to help her "stay sober", tells me herself that after reading a lot of things on Freeminds that she'll never be able to truly buy the WT dogma again.
These family members value the JW lifestyle and it’s positive byproducts, more than their personal integrity
Your integrity is very valuable cherish it, JWs dfed you God did not.
:::::But still, she sits in the hall, as sick as it makes her physically, because she doesn't know what else to do. She's seeking a peace which she'll never find there.
She wants her cake and wants to eat it too.
::::::Maybe I'm seeking peace too, or comfort from those who know of what I speak, I don't know.
You are seeking amelioration from your discomfort and pain, no shame in that.
:::: I don't know why I'm coming back here to post now if not for that reason. I have worked so hard in the past year to distance myself so much from all of this crap.
You have grown and evolved, relapse is also part of the process.
::::: I've immersed myself in doing charity work for the benefit of others as much as my health will allow, and I find it more fulfilling than anything I ever did to 'save the world" as a JW. But I wonder sometimes if I drive myself so hard to do so much for everyone else to prevent me from being alone with myself, or to try to convince myself that I'm not the horrible, immoral person they think I am? That I am not unredeemably evil?
You are having an existential mini crisis. Little steps for little feet.
:::::These family events, especially this one, churn it all up again. It's like suddenly I'm thrust face to face up against my older self, the dark reflection in my mirror that I no longer see every time I look at myself, but that sneaks up on me when I least expect it. It's like I feel a cold hand on my shoulder, and I turn around, and I look into the eyes of the woman I was and realize that despite all my efforts, progress, and the passage of time, that she's still with me.
Congrats pat yourself on the back this is one of the last process you must develop and awareness for. If it’s any consolation to you I have been where you are standing today and the best is yet to come.
::::Still haunting me.
Hauting is as haunting does.
::::I hope everyone here has been well in my absence. I think of many of you more often than you know.
We all be doing what we all need to do that is life.
:::::Don't know how long I'll stay this time, but if I don't work some of this out into words on paper, or the screen, I may very well spontaneously combust.
We are glad to have you back, stay as little or as long as you wish.
::::Still lurking about...
Are we having a hotel California moment? Lol
::::I'm just the ghost of Esmeralda.
Kewl ghost to ghost this is the Ghost of the Victor you once remembered.
::::"God help the outcasts."
Amen shall we have song and prayer? Hehehe.
I am attaching a post I wrote in your absence that will put things in perspective
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Each and every one of us is at a different place and time in our healing and personal evolution. One way of thinking about this is seasons in our lives. Some are in the middle of winter having recently exited or being thrown out from the JW religion. For these souls life is cold and lifeless with little spiritual food in their reserves so they come here to be fed and to have a warm place that they can interact and ask for help at times or simply find a shoulder to cry on voicing their injustices. Others are stuck in this lifeless winter season feeling dead not having the quality of life they could have if they had never been a part of the JW religion. Others through some set backs through choices they made or due to circumstances outside of their control got kicked into this season and they are ticked off and they scream, attack, and shout. They transfer or project their frustration and anger towards other members, but its all about the cold they are feeling in their heart and soul. Some enjoy or adapted to the cold and they are proud to be cold hearted and insensitive towards other members with their insults and trash talk. Some JWs come here to see a preview of coming seasons and they high tail it back to their comfy pseudo spiritual paradise with no seasons. Some sincere JWs know that they can no longer stay in that candy coated reality that is barren of sincere warmth and love so they return to build up the courage to leave and move on come what may.
Enter springtime; some people are rebuilding their lives working hard tilling the land and planting different seeds to harvest a different quality of life. These types of people are proactive by going back or starting college or getting specialized training. They dont spend as much time on the forum due to being busy with their reconstruction activities. When they get a chance they drop in to see who is doing what or they measure their own progress seeing all the diversity of people and their place in time. They are still affected by emotional issues that strike close to home since it has not been long that long since they were there.
Then there is summer time; a time to have fun in the sun. These people dont take issues personally and they can objectively see the silliness of the winter people. Since they have distanced themselves from that station they are seeing their crops grow exponentially by good decisions and proactivity. Success leads them to more success and they look back at their trajectory of life and feel a sense of satisfaction with some sadness or regrets of what could have been. But they are too busy to dwell on the past seeing their crop grow and the certainty of a good harvest.
As time ebbs and flows like the ocean currents it leads to fall, a time of harvests reap filled with abundance. These people know that following the natural cycles of life leads to a self-fulfilling personal destiny. They are generous with their crops and give to others out of their abundance. Those who listen to these experienced sojourners are benefited by their wisdom. Since they are comfy with their spiritual, emotional, and material needs filled they are inspirational and easily spotted. They have no need to waste time or energies on pointless debates with those who disagree with them.
Finally comes wintertime for those who have made it down this path through all the seasons of healing personal change and evolution. They are gone from forums due to totally re-building a life apart from JWs and ex JWs. They have healthy friends and have re-integrated with their community. They have so many other interests that satisfy them that they only focus on meaningful things that they can enjoy and share with others. They enjoy figurative and literal Christmases celebrating the spirit of life with gift giving and receiving gifts from friends and loved ones. Their JW experience is far in the back of their minds that is seems like a past life they once lived. Their wounds are totally healed and they wear the scars proudly as spirit beings who lived a painful human experience.
We are all here for a reason and others for a season, thank you Simon for your gift to all of us.