The more I interact with non-JW men and women the more I notice that I still behave like a JW woman. When I interact with people (men especially) I find myself being super submissive and docile. Acting like I don't have a brain and can't make decisions on my own. Giving so much up just to please them. Like, I do everything to please them without thinking about whether it makes ME happy. But that's the way we've always been taught over and over: Women must be submissive to the man taking the lead. But I feel like this is a bit backwards & excessive in this day and age. Do any other exJW woman find themselves acting this way? How did you learn to stand up for yourself and not always bend to what others tell you to do? I think I've become an easy target for people looking to take advantage of others.
The Way JW Females Act
by LaurenM 12 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
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TD
Giving so much up just to please them. Like, I do everything to please them without thinking about whether it makes ME happy.
Greetings, LaurenM.
This sentence in particular sounds like a minor personality flaw where too much of a person's self-worth is tied up with the idea of people "Liking" you and thinking well of you. Some people become this way because of a lack of parental affection and approval, while others are just natural born "People-Pleasers" and that's their personality.
Believe it or not, men and women suffer from it in almost equal numbers and there are self-help books dedicated to helping people overcome it.
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nonjwspouse
As a not ex jw female that did have this submissive type behavior taught to me by my upbringing, I found that once i began to stop asking for others ( meaning any man) to do something for me, it was a step in the path of many steps towards learning how to not only take care of myself, by myself, but to feel empowered. Whatever it is that helps you feel empowered is helpful in my view. I went back to school and got two degrees, it helped. I refused to back down from a point I felt was correct when challenged, it helped. Learning HOW to argue ( productively and without emotions messing up the process) was a huge help. A debate team experience would be wonderful!I Also research issues of importance to death. I love providing many forms of proof to back up my argument. ( This is a point that my husband HATES.....huh, wonder why? )
The more you stand up for yourself, the more others learn that you are not backing down just due to your gender.
However, keep in mind there is power in appealing to a man's ego. The more the man feels he is in control ( regardless of whether he is or not) the better he feels about himself.) It translates into a more agreeable relationship for you both (as long as he is not emotionally out of whack with a super ego), especially when you recognize that you are in control of when you decide to feed that ego.
Evaluate what is important, make your choices of when it's worth it to back down, and when you will not.
In my marriage now, unfortunately, I have come to the point where I rarely back down. ( So maybe my advice is all wrong, who knows). I used to be super submissive many eons ago.As TD said above, I was hyper focused on everyone liking me and that was a huge contributor.
There are many factors in my own marriage playing into my inability to back down anymore. But, the basic way I was able to stop with the submissiveness thing was to take the steps, one by one. relearning, reevaluating, rethinking, and recognizing when I was being submissive when I didn't want to be. Plus, keep emotion out of it. Just calmly, stop. step out of the comfort zone of allowing others to think for you. it isn't easy to make your own decisions, because then you are responsible for them! But it is VERY worth it.
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Billy the Ex-Bethelite
Do any other exJW woman find themselves acting this way?
I'm not an exJW woman, but as an exJW I find that I may tend to be obedient/compliant/weak-willed at times around "superiors". To my credit, they love me at work both because of my skill and my psychology to get everyone to cooperate productively. Enough about me...
How did you learn to stand up for yourself and not always bend to what others tell you to do?
My opinion and experience: First step is to literally "stand up" with good posture and confident body language. It affects how others view you and how you view yourself. Next, I listen carefully to every interaction and usually have a notebook with me to note things down. If this is a request from someone not my boss, I check with my boss. I have lots to do, so he has the option of telling me to drop it or place it somewhere in my priority. Then, I play through scenarios in my head of how something may play out.
I think I've become an easy target for people looking to take advantage of others.
Learn from the examples of others around you on how to peacefully navigate your workplace. Take incremental steps to where you want to be.
I hope this is helpful somehow.
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stuckinarut2
Yes, after a lifetime of having it ingrained that one "needs to be submissive and not be opinionated", it results in a warped view of oneself and a lack of self esteem!
An individual needs to flick the switch inside and recognise that strength of character is not arrogance, neither is being decisive a sin.
It is actually an endearing and attractive quality to see a person with strength. This shows in poise, demeanour and the ability to express options.
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Xanthippe
Lauren you need to try standing up for yourself in small things that do not threaten your job and gradually it will sink into you subconscious that the sky will not fall when you do. When you feel safer you can go onto bigger steps.
Give up now on having everyone like you. It's impossible, some people will like you, some won't, some will just not care. That's normal. Once you know this you will stop trying to get everyone's approval.
If you are submissive to men you will attract domineering men. People who bully others should not be welcome in your life, whether they are male or female. I'm sorry to have to be straight with you but a lot of life is about deciding certain behaviours are just wrong and that you won't accept them. The sooner people know you feel this way the sooner you will attract the right kind of people. I was a JW woman by the way, just so you know.
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LongHairGal
LAUREN:
I am guessing you're a born-in JW, so I guess it would be ingrained,...But, you CAN unlearn this. You can be polite about it but sometimes politeness WON'T work and you have to assert yourself.
I also don't know how old you are. A young girl might be more timid. But, this is not a useful quality in an older woman.
I was not raised in the Witness religion and was taught to have self-esteem. I also had a full-time job. Naturally, I HAD to speak up for myself. I did not concern myself what anybody thought....Men have a tendency to butt-in or speak over some woman, so, in the world you have to assert yourself.
When I came into the JW religion I picked up on the mentality of JW women who were fearful to speak-up. I even remember going on vacation once with JWs. One of the women was even hesitant about asking where the ladies room was when we stopped somewhere. She seemed so helpless!
I got the sense they were looking to ME to lead the way. I don't just chalk this up to the fact she was married because I've been around enough non-JW married women who know how to speak up.
I blame the stupid JW religion that tries to mentally cripple women. Does anybody remember Chinese foot binding? It's illegal now. But, the intent was to make the woman walk with dainty hobbling steps. In effect, crippling her.
THIS is what the Jehovah's Witness religion does to women's brains and I'm glad I'm out of there!
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rebel8
Very interesting!
Unfortunately, I can't help you. I am naturally a non-submissive person. I don't even know how to reverse engineer it. Hopefully others can give you good advice here.
Or maybe this is simpler than that--maybe you just do the same techniques you do with all the other brainwashing issues?
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brandnew
I think chicks are kinda cool when they're mean n stuff.
I dunno, chicks that do everything ya tell em, are real boring......just sayin.
Mad Puppy
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Outgoing454
It's a crazy situation atleast from a worldly man who dated a JW born in female. Was kinda akward as I was very outgoing and we became very sexually active for some years. She always seemed distance, she was a virgin but after time she never disagreed with anything but seemed timmid to ask for anything, such as after a long period of sex she would shy around to ask for more or she would hint of wanting to try this or that but always scared to ask me me instead of just doing. Always felt alittle distance and even scared of oral sex, don't get me wrong she enjoyed but never seemed 100% into it like it was wrong. She enjoyed and wanted but guilty afterwards.