When did the Brothers/Sisters, make you feel UNLOVED,WORTHLESS?

by Fruitcake 35 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Hamas

  FRUITCAKE :

  I wanted to cry that day, ......I felt like I was 2 inches tall. to this day, I find it hard to ask anyone for anything, no matter how small, and everytime I pass by a Burger King I feel sad.

  Fruity, dont let them get to you like that. People can be so cruel sometimes and don't know what they are saying. In the Witnesses case, they probably do but are nasty buggers anyway.

  Your experience sounds really sad, I really feel for you.

  You become a Witness because you are led to believe that its the only place where you wont get any kind of hassels like that in your life, but in fact you just get more. Thats exactly what makes me happy when I think of never going to the Kingdom Hall again, the fact that I wont have to put up with any of that crap again.

  Fruity, everytime you go past a burger king now, try to think of never going to a meeting again and ENJOYING your life free from Watchtower slavery whilst those assholes in that car and that bitch ass elder are still slaving for a group of dirty old men sitting at a table in Brooklyn, telling them what kind of sexual activity they can be up to. You are free thanks to experiences like Burger King, they are still slaves to the system, so more fool their polyester suit ass.

  WESTSIDE !
• 

  Dawn

  It is so sad to read these stories - how is it that we humans can inflict so much pain on each other.

  There were times when the brothers/sisters made me feel unloved and worthless also. When I look back on it, I realize that the worst offenses came from elders. It weighed heavily on me and tore down my self esteem.

  It has taken many years to begin healing from that - a process that I suppose continues indefinately. One way that has brought me the greatest benefit was to turn those experiences around - by treating someone else the way I wish I had been treated at the time. For example, when I told someone about being sexually abused as a child the decision was made that it would "reflect bad on Jehovah" if it came out so we had to keep quiet The truth is - Jehovah had nothing to worry about - it was the Org that has a reputation to fake uphold. But this made me feel that I did not matter in the congregation or my family, I was only a drop in the bucket and not worth the time, effort, and love that an injured child needs.

  As an adult, I decided to do whatever I could to counteract that feeling of worthlessness in other children. I work with children both through church functions and through elementary school functions - in that area I always seek out those children that seem to "not fit in", the ones that are somewhat akward, not really popular - those are the ones that I sit with, have lunch with, talk to. Having an adult notice them and show interest in their life really lifts their spirits - and it builds their self esteem. In that way, I have taken those bad experiences and stomped them out with good feelings - I own them now and they can not hurt me any longer. I suffered as a child, but in a small way I can bring joy to numerous children and reverse the evil that was done to me.

  Fruitcake - every time you walk by a Burger King and feel sad, those people are still hurting you. I think you can take charge of that with the advice that others here have given you. Especially the one about sharing your meal with others - go buy 2 meals and give one to a homeless person, or take a friend's child and buy them a treat there. Do something that brings good memories to that place - and do it more than once. Then you will own that experience and they can not hurt you any longer. (PS - if you still know that elder's address, buy some Burger King gift certificates and send them to him with a letter telling him that in the future when he sees someone is in need - give them the certificate and spare his precious $$ for himself)
• 

  WildHorses

  This really pissed me off. Hmm, I can be a b***h sometimes and had I been in your shoes, I would have asked Mr Elder how he would have responed to his maker when ask "when hungry, did you feed them".
• 

  Lady Lee

  It has taken me a while to come in here and read some of the experiences. I knew it would be painful and dredge up some of my own hurts. How incredibly sad that people who proclaim to be God's representatives could act so unlovingly.

  I always felt "less than, unworthy, and not good enough." As a teen my family were often avoided. My mother was a single parent who joined the JWs after she had left my father. She and her boyfriend started studing and he finally up and disappeared. My mother got baptized and is still a "faithful" witness and one of the most unloving people I know.

  But in the congregation our family was seen as clearly not good enough. We too wore second-hand clothes and lived on welfare. When my mother was on welfare we were looked down on. When she got a job - we were looked down on. Seemed that either way was not good enough.

  Other teens would come up to me and tell me about what a great time they had at so-and-so's party. I was never invited. I would over-hear or be told out-right that this one or that one had been invited over for dinner or the evening or out to a movie with a group of the kids. I was never invited. It hurt.

  It seemed the harder I worked to be included the more I was excluded. Quite a few young ones were getting married (after all the parties I'm not surprised). My family rarely got an invitation to the weddings even though most of the rest of the cong did. I thought maybe once I was married I would be more with the "in" crowd. That didn't work either.

  Then there is all the usual service-meeting stuff that is never enough. But what got me was when a sister in the cong was dying at home of cancer I stayed with her and her family to care for her. I missed a few meetings and some service and was reprimanded for it. The sister died after about a month with her fleshly sister and I sitting by her holding her hands. It was heart-breaking that so few came to see her. But the counsel that I should not spend my time on useless activities "let the dead bury their dead" crap really did me in.

  I could barely get to a meeting after that. During this same time there was an elder who was also dying of cancer - at home. He always had visitors and his wife had plenty of support from the elders and their wives. No one seemed to think this sister deserved the same - she was faithful but somehow they never saw how differently they treated her.
• 

  BLISSISIGNORANCE

  WHEN DIDN"T THEY??????????????????

  they tried to make me feel worthless but didn't often succeed. especially the men in the borg. i'm a pretty out-spoken woman, had to survive alot of things that could have destroyed me. had kids to raise on my own etc, etc. i'm a survivor. the elders didn't like my need for answers to questions, i challenged them. but my biggest mistake was that i never stroked their sick EGOS. i never sucked up to anyone before and i certainly wasn't about to start with them. so they had to try and knock me down a peg or two.

  the worst experience though was when my child was sexually abused and no-one gave a damn. the elders aren't shepherds so they didn't care about how we were coping or feeling. the publishers were cowards and didn't want to get involved in anything THAT contravertial, it was more important to be on the elders good side and put in hours of witnessing rather than give support to suffering congregation members. love is an over-used, not applied word in the borg.

  they tried to make me feel worthless when they DF'ed me because of talking about my kid's sexual abuse. they succeeded for a little while but in the end i realized that i had spoken out for mine and other children in the congregation, therefore i wasn't worthless.

  the only way people can make us feel worthless or unloved is if we let them, if we empower them. we've all allowed someone to do that to us in life but we don't have to keep letting them. since leaving the borg i don't miss those people, i don't worry about them and what they think of me anymore................and boy is that freeing.

  that's just the tip of the iceberg of bad experiences. i hope the memories will eventually all disappear in time.

  cheers,

  bliss
• 

  rocketman

  Well, no one ever made me feel worthless....but there were times that I was frustrated and ticked off at a religion and its people that claimed to be so "loving".

  One time period was when my daughter, who at the time was a young teen, would come home from meetings in tears because a cklique of girls refused to even speak with her at meetings. The parents seemed to promote this. My daughter is a happy, well-liked and well-adjusted kid who is and always was well-liked in school. And yet, these young folks found a way to terat her like crap. They were all in a bookstudy I conducted too. So there we were, in that close environment, and they treated her like she was worthless. And there I was, trying to 'shepherd' and help these people, and trying not to take sides. Well, when a parent doesn't take a child's side, what signal does that send to their child? It was a very bad time.Finally, I basically said 'screw this' and told my daughter that from now on, associate freely with her school friends. She's been happy ever since. The "worldy" kids from school have always treated her with respect. Of all the jw kids we've known, only two have been kind to her on any sort of consistent basis.
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  berylblue

  The question which really begs asking (at least in my case), is "when didn't the sisters and brothers make me feel unloved"?

  I was very pro-active in my first congregation. I took the first step in trying to show some "love" in the congregation. (No, this doesn't make me a "saint", it probably makes me an obsequious sycophant, but never mind.) It was a silly thing to do, but I felt I had to make a contribution somehow, and this was the way I did it. The "correct" way to make a contribution was, of course, commenting at meetings, pioneering, encouraging others to pioneer, giving to the WTS, etc.

  As I stated in a post a while back, I never went to the KH empty-handed, I used to bring homemade cakes, cookies, etc. Sometimes I used to know in advance to whom I was giving them, sometimes not. If not, I prayed fervently to Jehovah to help me find the person who needed my stupid offerings the most that day. On a few surprising occassions, the person to whom I gave my baked goods to told me that they were feeling really down, and it helped cheer them up. On one occassion, I gave them to a young brother. In fact, he had left the hall in a huff and my usual instinct was to leave such a person alone, but for some reason I felt compelled to follow him out (almost had to run, in fact, to keepup with him) and gave him his (wowie) chocolate chip cookies.

  Now wait until you hear this: His mother told me that one of the elders told him he wasn't allowed to do the microphones anymore because his hair was slightly too long and they didn't think his pants were formal enough (by the way, they were fine). He was so hurt, he said he'd never go back again (he said this to his mother) and stormed out. He came back to the KH, thanks to my frigging confections. (Good going, Rosemarie. Bad move, in retrospect.)

  Another time, after praying, I gave some cookies to a married couple whom I hardly knew. The sister told me (now get THIS one) that she had had (in her hand; I saw it) a letter DA herself because she felt there was no love in the congregation. Now, she said, she could see that there was love. (Chocolate chip cookies = love????? Well...It's really rather pathetic to see how some of us are forced to grasp for straws (or crumbs, in this case), trying to prove there is love in Jehovah's organization.)

  Now I feel guilty about that. Of course, at the time, I toyed with the thought that maybe Jehovah was using me. I guess I needed to feel I served some purpose. Hell, any one could "encourage" others with their canned comments from the WT. I did need to be different. As I said, there was a lot going on in my mind, most of which I was unaware, but in the final analysis, I really just wanted to do something nice, the way I wished someone would for me (and someone did ...keep reading, please.)

  Now I know that wasn't true. Jehovah wasn't using me.

  What some of us won't do in order to feel just a little bit special.

  I guess thes above mentioned persons would have been better off leaving.

  However, in my own case, one time a new family came into the congregation with a lot of children. I befriended them all and tried to make them feel welcome (yeah, just what they needed; friendship from a middle-aged neurotic). Anyway, one day I was lower than low. My husband was cheating on me, one of my daughters was seriously ill, I was majorly depressed, almost suicidal. Then a knock came on the door: It was a delivery man bringing me flowers from this family. I was shocked. But it made me feel much better.

  I got off topic, I'm sorry. I must admit displays of love were rare. In fact, at both congregations my cookies and cakes were kind of disparaged of not being of any real value and only a ploy for the affection I craved (true to some extent). However, considering that the monetary gifts I made were almost always in secret (I paid for one pioneer's magazine bill for two months; I confided in her son and we had an ongoing joke to see how long it would take for it to register that she was never charged for magazines. In the end, we ended up telling her.)

  HEY! THIS IS SELF-AGGRANDIZING BULLSHIT. (I hate that word, bullshit. Make that CRAP.) But I'm going to post this because I've spent way too much time on this.

  I'm supposed to be getting ready to get tested at work on a new product; my "career" (such as it is) depends on how I do. If I don't pass, I'm OUTTA there....so what am I doing? Hanging here....lol

  Rosemarie

  Oh, BTW, in my second congregation, I was out and out accused of trying to "buy" the love of my brothers and sisters. Perhaps that was part of my motivation, but it surely wasn't all of it. I can see more clearly now, and I think I really did just want to make a minute difference
• 

  Lady Lee

  bliss you triggered another memory for me - when I was sexually abused the elders convinced my mother to send ME into foster care and keep him in the cong - no love for the victim there I tell ya.
• 

  berylblue

  Lady Lee, and everyone else...I'm so sorry

  Rosemarie

  My stupid story is nothing compared to all of yours....

  There are so many times I not only felt unloved, but was pro-actively wounded by persons who professed to love me (or felt the need to pretend because that's how the org said they should act).

  I guess I missed the point of the entire thread. I really can't relate the time I felt the most unloved because I can't expose my daughter that way.
• 

  Lady Lee

  Beryl - rejection and pain is the same in all of us. Your experiences are just as valid as others just a different version of the same thing - a lack of real love in the JWs.

  You know it is pretty easy to look back and say maybe I shouldn't have but from what you posted I wouldn't say you were out to gain glory or status. It sounds like you were doing what True Christians are supposed to do - care. You showed it in a way that made sense to you. Giving is supposed to make us feel good. You sought out those in need either emotionally or physically. What better example of love can there be.

  As for those who were about to leave until your act of kindness - maybe - just maybe - once they know you are gone they will see the "heart" is gone too and make the same choice. Never regret an act of kindness. There was too little of it to regret it.

  (((Beryl)))