(((((((((((Wednesday))))))))))))
I'm so sorry to hear about your health problems :(
Please don't apologize for anything...shock is where any of us would be in your place right now. Your feelings are perfectly normal...
I had a big health event about 2 weeks after I was df'd, I was exposed to a chemical at work and it caused a very serious problem with my asthma.
As I was passing out and my coworkers were wondering what was taking the ambulance so long to get there, I suddenly thought that I might be dying, very quickly, at the age of 26. I remember that I thought of a couple things.
I thought 1) that I was sorry most of all that i wouldn't get to raise my daughter and that I hoped her grandparents would look out for her 2) that i wasn't sorry i'd gone away for the weekend with my boyfriend a month before (the episode which led to my df'ing) and 3) i didn't regret anything. If I had stopped breathing then, my last memory would have been a good one, of the safety and love I had experienced in the arms of the man I loved. Amazing, that I had no guilt or worries about JW issues or anything else...the things that mattered to me in my life were suddenly crystal clear.
When I came to in the ER, I vowed that I was never, ever going to waste another day, and that I would always be sure the people in my life knew I loved them, even if they wouldn't see me (I have since made sure I had the chance to tell them all that, one way or another, to their faces). That event led to me and my boyfriend (soon fiance) moving our wedding up a year, not wanting to waste a single day.
That event changed the way that I have lived every single day since. And, when I nearly lost my Dad suddenly, with no warning a couple years ago, then we nearly lost my husband's mother suddenly, without warning days later (they were in ICU at the same time in different states)...well lets just say that I was reminded all over again that in a moment, life can change dramatically, or be gone, for any of us.
My point is this...if you can, try to learn from those thoughts that raced through your mind in those moments of fear. Get treated, do all you can to get as healthy as possible...I know people who have had congestive heart problems and lived for years and years with proper treatment...and then waste as little time as possible on looking back, or feeling down, or thinking about what you've lost to the Borg.
It sounds like you've been through a lot lately already...surgery and all. Please think of all you've gotten through already,(it shows how strong you really are!)and try, if at all possible, to go into treating this new challenge with a positive attitude. Attitude makes a HUGE difference in the effectiveness of treatment...and please keep us posted on how you're doing.
I will keep you in my thoughts...and hope for a good outcome from all your testing...
(((((((((((Wednesday))))))))))))))))
big hugs,
Essie
ps hope this makes sense, it's way past my bedtime...