baptised nearly 51 years (page 2)

Slidin Fast

Oh Phoebe. I am so pleased that you are climbing the mountain after all this time. The path ahead looks so difficult and challenging but in the end one foot after another gets you there.

I am effectively "locked in" by the warp and weft of marriage and family so my journey away from JW control has been within myself. Since I have been honest with myself and established my own beliefs, boundaries and position I have been much happier and mentally strong. My ultimate desire would be have left the whole mis-spent life in my wake but now I deal with things on my own terms. My conscience is clear, I don't let anyone else make my value judgements or inject me with fear. For the first time in my life I am my own man.

I cannot begin to have genuine empathy for you in that I have been abused, I have been subject to the guilt and fear for over 60 years and I have been on the wrong side of the judicial process during that time. I am here to tell you that whether you can break completely free or not, there is peace ahead. You have someone you can be honest with, your husband, once you take control of your own thoughts and beliefs, I think you will get your head straight.

I wish you the very best of luck. Use this site to the full, it will help.

Phoebe

Steve2, notalone, pbrow,The Searcher and everyone,

thank you for your support, advice and most of all the care you have expressed towards me. I'm overwhelmed with your generosity of spirit. It means so much to me. I have to say over the last few years I've had little help or comfort from my own congregation save for one or two lovely sisters.

If I leave it all behind I won't miss my friends for I have hardly any. Unfortunately, I committed the unforgivable sin, my two eldest children chose to go to university. From that day on I have been largely ostracized. I go to the meetings, maybe one or two people speak to me, but mostly no one does. I cannot tell you how many times I've walked home from the meeting in tears, trying to clean up my face and present a happy 'kingdom smile' to my husband and pretend all is okay.

I have a sister who hasn't spoken to me for almost 25 years. She is a JW, her husband an elder. They told me I wasn't good enough to be a JW...conveniently, after I'd paid off all her debts. She didn't approve of my marriage, wouldn't come to the wedding, apparently after praying to God, they decided not to attend. My older brother (and my abuser by the way) is a well respected elder to this day. He didn't attend my wedding, either. He didn't approve. I was marrying a Pioneer!!! How could they not approve??? I haven't seen either of them for so long, the only thing that upsets me is they will be so pleased to hear I've left.

My brother/abuser was apparently so scared I might spill the beans on him he has pretty much spent his entire life telling everyone I was a bad person. My nephew has left the truth now, he says he was brought up to believe I was evil and to stay away from me!

I'm not bad, evil or anything. I've been loyal to this organization through thin and thick. I started pioneering at 14 and RP straight from school. I gave and gave and gave...but when I needed help, there was none.

No, sad to say, if I dropped dead in the K.H no one would notice :(

I am sincerely going to take on board all your advice and thank you for being there for me...I fear I may need you all very much in the future.

xx

Phoebe

Slidin Fast

Your experience, encourages me so much. Your words resonate with me. I am beginning to feel some clarity of mind, as if I see things so much clearer now. I long for peace of mind and for the first time in my life, I see it is a possibility. A life without fear and guilt...how wonderful that sounds!

Thank you so much. x

Xanthippe

So glad you found your way here Pheobe. Glad you're enjoying reading whatever you want and that your husband is mentally free too.

Iown Mylife

Welcome, Phoebe!

You can be sure you are making progress in healing when you began to feel like posting here on this great forum. Reading here and posting has helped me immensely.

Love to you!

Phoebe

Hi Xanthippe,

Yes, I'm glad, too. My husband left the truth about 18 years ago. He gave 110% to it and basically burnt out. He had zero help from anyone. We once watched two elders writing not-at-homes right outside our door but no one ever came to see him. He only had one visit and that was to tell him they were taking him off as a MS. You would not believe how much he gave to the brothers. Even after he left the truth he was giving/helping all the time.

He kept saying 'there's something wrong with it' and then he started reading JWSurvey and I was telling him to stay away from 'those sites' they were dangerous and then, well, curiosity got the better of me and I started reading and researching and wow! I was shocked.

But mostly, it's been the lack of love among the brothers that has really made me question everything. There is no compassion, no empathy, no love. They love those in their little cliques but no one else.

life is to short

if I dropped dead in the K.H no one would notice

Your words there make me so sad, but it's true I have felt the exact same way. When I pioneered I passed out in service once and crawled to the car, no one came to check on me so I thought they did not know I had passed out. Nope they knew, the sister I was with told me she heard me fall, never came to check it I was OK. My husband had a major heart attack at the KH I drove him alone to the hospital with another elder knowing and only asking if I would be OK no one came to the hospital to be with me expect that elder and then he got upset when I called him the next day to talk as he was busy, my husband was an elder at the time himself.

My heart breaks for you. My sister started to shun me while I was still an elder's wife I have not spoken to her for over 11 years.

It is just so sad and welcome you need support.

LITS

Xanthippe

He kept saying 'there's something wrong with it'

Oh I remember that so well. We researched everything from iodine deficiency to inbreeding. 😏 Then found Crisis of Conscience in the library and realised it wasn't a local problem just in our crazy congregation. We were pioneers too, my husband an elder so I know about burnout. Take care of yourselves.

Phoebe

life is to short,

You cannot know how it feels to know someone understands how I feel.Thank you so much.

You too, have suffered the lack of love and care. I can only imagine how you felt taking your husband to the hospital.

I was taken to hospital last July with chest pains and high BP. They thought it was a heart attack (turned out it was a massive anxiety attack) Most of the congregation knew. I walked back into the hall a month later and no one said a word. Nothing.

Phoebe

Iown Mylife

Thank you for the welcome! I'v been on here for weeks...reading...I too, have found great comfort on these pages.

baptised nearly 51 years

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