...but just a note i am not looking to read books for self pity i have been reading a lot of books to help me see what the WT hasn't shown me in their articles.
Really, seriously- Read CRISIS OF CONSCIENCE by Raymond Franz.
Otherwise, stay with and care for your family while you work this out. Until you work it out, it would be unwise to do the wrong thing. If there is this loving "Jehovah" that they describe, He would understand that you want to do the right thing by your children and their mother. He wouldn't smite you for that.