My fiancé is an ex-jehovah’s witness. When he was 18 years old, his 17 year old brother was killed in an accident. His parents having previously lost an infant daughter were understandably distraught and were therefore highly susceptible to an organisation which seemed to be able to supply definitive answers where more mainstream religion seemed to fail them.
My fiancé (and his remaining sister), with some pressure from his parents went on also to study with the witnesses and to be baptised. As a very good looking, tall, athletic young man, he was a source of interest for many young women in the congregation and it was not long he married the daughter of an elder, a woman who had been born into a witness family. My fiancé believed himself to be happily married, doing all the right witness things. They had a child together and had been married for seven years when his wife suddenly left my fiancé for another (non-witness) man.
My fiancé now realises that this was the time he should have left the organisation, but feeling pressure from family and friends, having been the “good” wronged party and having won custody of his child, he set about looking for another suitable wife from the congregation. He therefore married his second wife, a woman who had converted at some point in her early adult life. Sadly for my fiancé, he really chose completely the wrong woman, but of course his choice at that time was limited only to witness women. She was never the loving, nurturing wife that he needed. She was a poor substitute mother for his child (the child’s real mother having completely exited from their lives of her own accord). She was selfish and dominating. Despite many adversities and setbacks my fiancé persisted with the marriage, and fathered another child with his second wife. A constant source of frustration for him was lack of intimacy of all kinds, especially sexual intimacy.
In 1995, when watchtower released its revised teaching on the generation, my fiancé decided that enough was enough and he faded away from the witnesses, having come the conclusion that they did not have the truth, otherwise they would not have had to revise this doctrine. His second wife agreed with him and faded too.
During this time, my fiancé built a successful business and he and his second wife enjoyed the fruits of this success. Later, the business was sold and a lot of money was subsequently lost in a less successful business venture. Despite wishing to remain married, the second wife did very little to support my fiancé through some very difficult times. The difficult times also sent her back to the witnesses. My fiancé moved into a separate bedroom and remained in the marital home only until his younger child was independent enough for him to move on.
Ten years later (or so) we met. My fiancé had been involved in a number of relationships in this time, but had always promised his (now ex) second wife that he would let her know when she was able to obtain a scriptural divorce. He always knew that coming clean risked his relationship with his now elderly parents, his sister and her family and his second child (who unfortunately is now a baptised witness). It was therefore not until we were certain of our future together that he told his parents and later his ex wife. He did think that he might have got away with it, as when our relationship was made known to his parents and his sister and her family, the circuit overseer told them that as it had been 20 years since my fiancé had been involved, their continued relationship with him was a matter for their own conscience and they decided that they could continue to have contact. I was fortunate to meet his mother, father, sister, brother-in-law and nephew. However, in another congregation, his ex-wife (probably vindictively) sought her scriptural divorce and the result is that recently my fiancé was disfellowshipped. This has now led to the catastrophic severing of relationship with his parents and sister.
I am so angry. His elderly parents, who initially sought comfort and answers for the loss of two children, who have faithfully (if in my opinion mis-guidedly) served this organisation for so many years are now prevented from having any contact with one of their two remaining children. His mother (who is a beautiful and completely selfless woman) only wanted the best for him, for him to find a woman who is kind and caring (which I certainly try to be), even though she knew that this might be the outcome. They think they are doing the right thing.
I was hoping that I might be able to be a
liaison between my fiancé’s mother and my fiancé, but having spoken to his
mother this morning, I am not sure how welcome that will be. She said that I might be able to call her every
six months or so and that it is all scripturally based. I do think there’s a possibility of his
mother becoming less strict after his father dies. In the meantime, it is so
frustrating and I am seeking some assistance and suggestions with where I might
be able to go from here, to try to keep some channels of communication open. What should we do?