For those without mothers

by Lady Lee 59 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  LyinEyes

  Ok I am seriously tearing up now,,,,,,,, this is a great idea Lady Lee, thanks for suggesting it.

  As most of you know I lost my mother to suicide 17 yrs ago, some it of was borg related stuff, that contributed to her depression.

  Well I dont know where to start , so I will just start off with some thing off the top of my head to my mom.

  Mama, God , I miss you sooooo much. I think of you everyday and wonder what you would be like today,,,,,, and how much fun we might have together. I am older than you now , which is totally strange. There are so many things I wish I would have said to you, but at the time, I didnt understand what I do now. I wonder if you are in Heaven , or someplace eles, having a good time. I wonder if you can see me and your grandkids and if you watch us live our lives. Sometimes when Jake was playing ball ,I would say a little prayer to you , to watch over him and keep him safe. When he played baseball later, I would hope that you would blow a wind his way to help him hit the ball out of the field,,,,,,,,,he did , and I smiled. Sometimes I sit outside and hear the leaves in a tree I am sitting by rustle and I wonder if it is you, trying to let me know you are with me. Gin, seems to be having a hard time here lately missing you so much,,,,, so I try to be there for her as I know you would want me to.

  I had a thought about death one day and wondered if I were passing away, would you be the one to come and take me with you,,,,,, I hope so, and it gives me comfort to know I will see you again. I dont want to die, for the first time in my life , I dont dwell on wishing I was gone too. I look forward to the rest of my life and even wish I had more time here with Denny and the kids. But it is good to know that since you may really be in Heaven , it is just a comfort for me and the kids. They like the idea that if I died,,,,, Chance always worries about me and what will happen when i die........that I wont be alone, that you will be there for me.

  I thank you mama for the good things you taught me, the let and live attitude, open mindedness, and forgiveness. And just the joy you had in the little things, when you were feeling good. I remember so many things you did,,,,,,dancing around the house to your 60's music as you were cleaning house, the way you loved coke and cheesecake, so many litte things I didnt appreciate about you back then....You would laugh at how much we are alike and how my kids laugh at me for the same things.

  Happy Mothers day Mama, this is the first time I have said those words to you, and it feels good, it feels right.......... Mama, it is so great to have the FREEDOM that leaving the JW's has given me,,,,,,,I wish you had that chance here on earth to have this freedom, it would have suited you to a tee. I am sure you are in some better place and have that peace and freedom and the love that you so desperatly wanted. Just know, that you are never forgot, so many you left behind miss you , love you and even your grand kids think you would have been a cool grandmother.

  I love you forever,,,,,,,,,,Delores
• 

  Lady Lee

  Dede I was thinking of you when I started this and hoped you would come in and post Thank you. The tears are rolling but that is OK Thank you for a beautiful letter to your Mom. She would be so proud of you Now YOU go and have an absolute fabulous Mother's Day to honor both you and her
• 

  Prisca

  a huge (((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))) to Lady Lee for thinking of us who don't have mothers to celebrate Mothers Day with

  My mother died of cancer when I was 11. She was very sick for 7 years prior to that, so in a way I lost her even earlier. I only have one or two memories where she is well, the rest of the time she was sick either at home or in hospital.

  I feel so envious who have mothers who die in old age. They've had their mother through their growing-up years, being there to see their momentous events such as graduation, getting married, having kids etc. Someone who knows what their childhood illnesses were, someone who knows the family history. Someone who shares some physical resemblance to them!!!

  I read of some posters who whine and moan about the problems they are having with their parents, and often I think, you lucky person, at least you HAVE a mother!! I'm not negating whatever problems these people may be having with their mothers, but I think many take it for granted that they have parents who are alive.

  I could say more but I won't. I've shared enough.
• 

  Big Tex

  My mother died of cancer in November 10, 1989. I do not know if there is any consciousness after death, but if there is this is what I would say to her:

  Mama:

  I don't miss you. I don't miss anything about you. I used to feel guilty that I don't love you, but I came to realize that is your doing. Not mine.

  I do wonder sometimes about the woman you used to be, or could have been. I would have liked to have known her. But that part of you died before I was born, didn't she? I was raised by what was left.

  Do you remember how you would make fun of me when I was sad, or when I cried? You never asked why, but I think you knew. I thnk you knew and just didn't care. That's my strongest memory of my childhood with you, an unrelenting sadness. People tell me I should have been angry at what you did, but I never could. I only really felt sad.

  I was sad when you stood and watched your father rape me.
  I was sad you made fun of me when I was thrown in a garbage can.
  I was sad when you broke my nose.
  I was sad that nothing I ever did was good enough for you.

  But most of all, I was sad that you never liked me. No child should ever know this. My body healed from the rapes and beating, but when I realized you really didn't care or have the tiniest shred of affection or just like me, it created a cold dead spot in my heart that is there to this day. I still grieve this and probably always will.

  I can't imagine not caring about my children. I have two now. Sometimes, when they don't notice, I watch them when they play or when they're asleep. My life that could have been, and wasn't. Did you know they can sleep with the door open? I never could. They don't awaken screaming in the middle of the night and then huddle in corner shivering in fear without even a tormentor for company. They will never know what I know. But most of all, they will never know you and for that I am truly grateful.

  There is one thing I used to be angry about: how you manipulated my friends before you died. You told me once that you would try to drag me down with you. You damned near did. But out of your hatred came the greatest gift you ever gave me: you made it impossible for me to stay a Witness.

  Without you, I would never have left. Perhaps there is a God after all.

  If there truly is, I hope he was shown more mercy and kindess to you, than you did to me.

  Your son,

  Chris
• 

  Debz

  I`m sorry to hear about your Mum Prisca ..........must have been tough for you I agree...

  But its just as hard to have a mother physically and not have her around emotionally.......one day when my dub mother rang me which is about once a year, if that, I said to her that all I wanted from her was a coffee out now and again, something that I consider a `normal` event for families.

  Naturally her response was `well you know I can`t do that`......how sad!

  For over 20 years I have never given her anything for any type of `worldly` celebration....she would return it I`m sure.....this upsets me greatly...so the best thing is to just `pretend` that these celebrations are for others........It tends to hit me more when my colleagues and friends ask what I`m doing for mothers day etc etc.....I feel like I`m missing out!!!
• 

  Prisca

  Debz,

  I have the same situation with my father, he has estranged himself from my sister and I, and it's not for JW reasons either.

  But it's different - once your parent is dead, they're dead. There's no hope ever of having a cup of coffee with them, of hearing their voice, seeing them age, nothing. Do you know how much I would love to be able to hear my mother's voice again? To see her sparkly eyes for just once? To look at her, and seeing what there is of me that takes after her?

  Estranged parents are not quite the same as dead parents. Yes, they may be dead emotionally, but they're gone forever once they're dead.
• 

  LyinEyes

  I totally know what ya mean Prisca, once they are gone, you can never say just one more thing to them. Never see them again or hear their voice, or say I am sorry , or whatever we wanted to say and never have that chance now.

  My dad is like the situation you mention Debz, I have no idea if I will ever hear his voice again or if the next time I see him he will be dead. This is not my choice but his and it hurts to be so easily thrown away.

  Big Tex,,,,,,, thanks for writing what you did, I can see your spirit in your writing, even thru the horrible things your mom did, you wonder if she was at one time different, and how you might would have liked to have known her then. I wish you peace Chris, I know some things never can be made right, but you have an attitude that ,,,,,,,well, just makes you who you are,,,,,,,,,which is a great guy.

  I forgave my mama for many things she did and said to me, it wasnt anything like you went thru thou Chris,but it was some hurtful things. I guess I just get by knowing she was sick, that is the only thing I can think of why she did some of the things she did.
• 

  Big Tex

  Dede

  It took years and lot$ of therapy but I was able to heal from what they did. But I haven't forgiven her or my father. Dont' get me wrong, I don't stew about it and it certainly doesn't eat me up inside but I just can't bring myself to forgive. Perhaps one day, but not yet.

  I'm glad you were able to forgive your mother. As for your father, you might be better off not having a relationship with him. But you're right. It does hurt to be thrown away.
• 

  Sunspot

  I wanted to say a few things when I saw the topic. I qualify.

  Now that I've read the touching posts,

  I can't.

  Maybe later on.

  Annie
• 

  LyinEyes

  Sunspot please do share ,,,,,,,,,it helps us all,,,,,,,,,,,it really does. We all have different stories and circumstances, and we all hurt. Hope you do write what you were going to.

  Even thou I know , I will never get to talk to my Mom again,,,,,,,, I get so much hope , and happiness to hear that there may be a chance for others to reconnect with their moms, and other family members.

  It is great to know that maybe the WT doesnt have the last word after all, sometimes, family comes around and the ties that were broken can be mended, and that makes me feel so proud, and proud for those who are standing up for what they believe in , even thou painful,,,,,,,,,,,,Because in the end,,,,,,, they may win back their families, without sacrificing what they stand for , believe in.