The Kingdom Hall

TheLiberator

I know I have mentioned this on other posts. As a born-in, I was obsessed with the Watchtower. IT WAS GOD'S ORGANIZATION. I would of done anything for it. Indoctrinated is an understatement for me. The kingdom hall was a part of our life. Like many of you, it was our life for decades. It was a place where I felt secure. Even the smell of a kingdom hall gave me a peace of mind. When I was a kid, I was somewhat scared of the dark. However, I told my brothers, that if I was ever locked in a dark kingdom hall, it wouldn't bother me. I could sleep there all alone without any worries. After all, wasn't it God's house? I know many of you must still attend the hall even though you are awake. I believe that once you actually leave, the place gets weirder the more you reflect on it. As I said before, my awakening was sudden. One day I was "on fire", a week later, I was falling a part due to finding out what I was really a part of. It was scary. Cults like the Moonies have always scared me, even when I was little. Maybe it was the level of indoctrination and how serious I took it, or maybe it is the fact that I left for spiritual reasons and remain a Christian today, but I am now scared to death of a kingdom hall. As I posted before, the one week I said I would support my wife right after learning TTATT, I immediately started having panic attacks and needed to seek a safe place in my car. I stopped supporting her that week. SUDDENLY, I could hear the "cult talk". It now seemed so weird. I seen a new one "love bombed". People suddenly looked artificial. It was like a spell had been broken within a day. Even the word "Watchtower" seemed out of place with Christianity. Elders would give comments saying "the slave" wants us to do this and that. Thay now freaked me out. The Watchtower's dark and mysterious history which was always passed off as "the early days" of "spiritual growth", now grew darker. The history had nothing to do with God. Much of it bordered on the occult. The history was dark and the Watchtower was now presently in darkness. All these thoughts, raced through my mind. I even had nightmares for about a month. The thought of "undue influence" of any sort terrified me. "You mean I was not really thinking on my own?" Learning all this overnight, was like being hit with a club. Because something has been a part of our life for so long, it may not seem so weird or we may not view it as too harmful. That is not the way I feel. Today, as an adult, if you were to lock me up in a dark kingdom hall, i would be terrified. In my mind, this organization is scary and dangerous. They are only thinking of themselves and their survival. I will NEVER enter a kingdom hall again. Not even for a funeral. I know that if my mom was willing to listen to me, she would feel like me. I often send her texts telling her she has no idea what she is a part of. And if she knew, she would be running to the door. I end all my texts with these words:Matthew 6:23 "If therefore the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!"My feelings may seem extreme to some. So I was just wondering if anyone feels like me. I will now shut up.

Magnum

I was just wondering if anyone feels like me.

Yeah, I do. I completely understand.

once you actually leave, the place gets weirder the more you reflect on it.

I could hear the "cult talk". It now seemed so weird. I seen a new one "love bombed". People suddenly looked artificial. It was like a spell had been broken within a day. Even the word "Watchtower" seemed out of place with Christianity. Elders would give comments saying "the slave" wants us to do this and that. Thay now freaked me out.

It was exactly the same with me. Even though I had some major questions and some doubts over a period of time, I awoke rather suddenly. It was like scales fell off my eyes. It was to me, too, as if a spell had been suddenly broken. After that, what once seemed so right, seemed so weird; it seemed cultish. I, too, started hearing the "cult talk". I, too, noticed that so much of it seemed artificial. I, too, noticed the love bombing for what it really was. Hearing JWs refer to "the slave" began to sound so cultish and weird.

Like you, I used to love being a JW. I hated it when conventions were over. After the last session was over, I'd stand in an upper area of the coliseum, look out over the railing as the chairs were being put up, etc. and hate it that I was going to have to leave that atmosphere and go back into "the world". I'd be depressed; I didn't want it to end. And now, I couldn't stand to go to a convention.

this organization is scary and dangerous. They are only thinking of themselves and their survival.

I agree. They are truly thinking of their own survival. They don't care that they have robbed lives and continue to do so. They stole mine and couldn't care less.

Magnum

removed - double post.

Wild_Thing

After I left, I told myself the same thing ... I would never step foot in a Kingdom Hall, but I did ... for a funeral. And I regretted it. The brother read the newspaper obituary word for word, and then preached about "paradise" for 30 minutes. What a dishonor to the person that died and a complete waste of my time!

On a side note ... I WAS LOCKED IN A DARK KINGDOM HALL! When I was 3 years old, my family turned off the lights, locked the doors, and hopped in the car to drive home. (My dad was an elder and we were often the last to lock up and leave.) Even my 2 sisters sitting in the back seat didn't notice they forgot me. How does that happen? I have no idea! I don't think they got very far before somebody realized it. My mom said when they came back, they could see Kingdom Hall door moving in and out because I was on the other side beating on it so hard. It was pretty traumatic. I think it was the first sign that being a JW was not for me.

babygirl30

I enjoy this site because it keeps me in the loop with what is going on in the org. BUT...reading about JW things now - things I used to deem normal - is so weird to me. A lot of the principles, hypocrisy, tactics of manipulation. All of those things scream 'fake' to me, and from the outside looking in, it is so funny to witness how crazy it all looks/sounds

MarkofCane

I had that exact reaction at the memorial, It all seemed so cultish. The emblems, partaking and the one just observing, the talk all seamed so weird. I have been going to the memorial my whole life but this last time it all felt diabolical. Its now really hard for me to go to any meetings, I will drink before and after the meeting just to cope.

stuckinarut2

Yes!!

Great thread! I relate to so much of what you wrote. Thanks for sharing.

It is AMAZING just how odd and weird things about "the truth" seem once we let ourselves out of the fishbowl and look back in!

Village Idiot

Towards the end of my JW journey I was having panic attacks out in field service. I told the brother that I was with that "there's something wrong". He said yes but he thought I was speaking of myself instead of me talking about the situation we were in.

Our subconscious was speaking to us.

wannaexit

I think that once you take a step back, you are really able to see it for what it is. I don't think I've felt that awful dread you describe though.

Pete Zahut

"My feelings may seem extreme to some. So I was just wondering if anyone feels like me. I will now shut up.

Hi Liberator, I really understand what you are talking about and what you are experiencing...I do.

Forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn, although your post is well written and makes absolute sense, I do notice a couple of red flags in what you've said so far and maybe pointing them out will help you.

I don't want to seem harsh but I see a lot of black and white / all or nothing thinking and it seems as if you've gone from being "obsessed" with the Watchtower, to almost overnight being "freaked out" by what used to be commonplace to you your whole life.

I also see a lot of dramatic language such as Scared to death by the Kingdom Hall, Panic Attacks, People suddenly looked artificial, Spell had been broken,Occult, Dark History, Terrified....etc. I know there is truth in what you say but I think the level to which you are reacting to them may be a bit over the top. (sorry)

I've said on this forum before that I've noticed that when people first become JW's they go a little crazy and drive their friends and family away with their zeal. I think it's often the same when people learn the Truth about the Truth. They are almost driven to alert everyone they know. That's an old throwback from being a JW where you are taught that you are responsible for "saving" people (and yourself)....from God's wrath during an impending Armageddon.

I hope you will take this with the spirit in which it is intended but I think you may need to reel it in a little and ratchet your reactions down a couple of notches so as not to scare your wife and others off. This isn't an emergency, the Watchtower has been around for a long time and you've been in involved with it your whole life. It may feel like it to you but It's not as if there's a building on fire and you have to get everyone out now or else.

At this point, you've become accustomed to TTATT and all it's life changing repercussions. Others in your life will need to have all of this broken to them gently or they will shut down out of (apostate) fear or just being plain sick of hearing about it.

My advice is to let people come to you and ask you what's going on. When they do ask questions only give them little tidbits at a time...don't spill your guts, let there be some mystery about all of this so that they will want to find out more. Tell them that you've discovered some things that every JW should know before getting baptized and it's all out there for anyone to see but because of human nature and because of the way things are set up in the organization, you have to let people do their own homework lest you become the problem,much like the messenger who is shot for delivering unpleasant news.

At other times it helps to simply ask them to explain what they believe and ask them leading questions about those beliefs that will lead them to see things from different angle.

My wife and I were lifelong JW's and towards the end I began having the horrible anxiety and panic attacks you describe. I was able to keep it in check enough so that I helped her see what I was learning and thinking without scaring her away. She started seeing things on her own and everything fell into place on it's own.

The Kingdom Hall

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