I want to be a JW but they seem to hate me? Help!

by Alostpuppydog 16 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Alostpuppydog

  Just going to give a little background about myself and then bring anyone who is reading this up to speed with where I am today:

  Growing up in a family that was not aware of Jehovah's Witnesses at all, as none of my family members have had a run-in with them other than my parents, my entire life has been a mess ever since we met them. The Witnesses first came to my door when I was 12 and my Dad started bringing me to meetings and we even lived with a witness family for a month when we were both homeless due to my parent's divorce. We dabbled in and out of the truth because we moved more than 10 times in the next 6 years, so it made it very hard to become very acquainted with any congregation for more than a few months. Then, when I was 18 I ended up being homeless myself while going regularly to the original congregation I attended back when I was 12 and the same family took me in for half a year so that I could at least graduate high school. Soon after I graduated high school I found that their children who were all in their 30s and 40s were pressuring them to get rid of me and a lot of rumors were spreading in the congregation about me because I was reserved and still had no friends in the congregation. So, I dabbled in and out of different congregations for many years after leaving because of myself becoming so upset with everything and now I am back to living with my Dad. As of today, however, I just missed my first meeting since attending regularly for a month and a half and missed my study with an elder(who is my teacher and clearly seems to be too busy to deal with me, even though he was persistent with taking me as his study) because of having a mental breakdown.

  So, now that we are up to speed I would like to address the following and am hoping that the community on this website could be somewhat helpful, since this is my first post on here:

  Basically, I deal with severe depression, anxiety, OCD, and being bipolar, and I have kept it well hidden in my full-time job and even in the congregation itself, but it has now become WELL aware with the elder (who is my teacher) to the point he had me go admit myself to the hospital for a mental evaluation. And yes I had thoughts of suicide, but I have been for almost 10 years now. But, It has been getting really bad, like I mean to the point of having my hand on the trigger, since I have been studying with the witnesses, and have been reading my bible daily, and have cleansed myself of things deemed as sins in the bible. However, I have not made any friends and sit by myself now, despite having hung out with a few witnesses and a witness family, though never have I even spent any additional time with my teacher other than having lunch with him and 2 others after a weekend meeting. Now don't get me wrong, but I really love the people, the beliefs, just everything, and I have never been a fan of the worldly things that dominate the majority of people anyways, such as swearing, sex before marriage, getting tattoos, etc. But I mean what do I do? Nobody sent me a text since missing my first meeting, including my teacher, and I have now returned to doing some of the sinful things I used to do so that I am at least not being suicidal. Anybody have any suggestions, because I just feel so alone and really I worry if my Dad dies, not that anything is pointing to that, I will become homeless again because none of my blood family really cares about me, and I don't have any friends,and my job does not pay me well enough to be able to even live in a single bedroom apartment. And if I lose my Dad I know that I will end it, but again I need someone's advice if they think that there is even any hope for me in this life.

  So again, if anyone has any helpful advice please inform me!

  And yes I have now started seeing a therapist and I am going to have to switch medications because It is not helping me very much.
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  Village Idiot

  High lostpuppy! Welcome to the forum. I cannot offer advice since I've never been a parent but there should be somebody on this forum who can. I hope the best for you.
  
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  blondie

  Alostpuppydog, you are too high management for most jws. They prefer people who have already resolved their personal problems before they study with them.

  AA or rehab organizations to solve alcoholism or drug issues first; a few jws may try but prayer and regurgitating WT paragraphs weekly do not handle such problems.

  Mental illness....medication and psychiatrists are looked down as solutions and again prayer and studying WT publications will not help.

  I would seek out non-profits and support groups that deal with your challenges. Per experience you will not find it with the WTS and its members.
  
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  smiddy

  Welcome ALPD ,the first thing to do to get your mental health in check , while its not the whole answer, is to get as far away from the JW/WT religion as fast as you can

  Seek professional help , as blondie says " seek out non-profit and support groups that deal with your challenges as you will not find it with the WTS and its members"

  I wish you well whatever you decide.
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  jhine

  Hello ALPD , l haven't been on here for a while but decided to look in this morning and saw your OP . I want to reassure you that you definitely have hope for a full and happy life . I totally agree with the comments made by Smiddy and Blondie . Run away from the WT and get professional help for your problems . The world is full of caring and knowledgeable people who will help you to get your life on track .

  Jan
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  happy@last

  Your teacher did a good thing telling you to get professional help, it is unusual for that to come from an elder. You need to accept the help from the doctors and I would recommend looking for some support groups that have meetups. There are a lot of people who are not associated with the witnesses who would understand what you are going through.You have been through a lot and are still surviving, well done.
  

  Wishing you all the best.
  
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  scratchme1010

  I'm so sorry that you're going through such rough times. Glad to hear that you are in a hospital and receiving treatment.
  

  Unfortunately, I cannot support you remaining a JW. As a person who has suffered depression myself, I know that the JWs create more depression . So no, I cannot support remaining a JW.

  You yourself posted that you are isolated in your congregation. That may not change at all. The WT organization's cure for every mental health issue is service to them, and if that doesn't work, like with you and the elder pressuring you, all they want you is to confess to something.

  They are not prepared nor interested in helping people with mental health problems.

  I know that this may not be what you like hearing, but I know that they are causing harm to you by their actions, which you yourself already stated they are doing to you.

  What I can strongly suggest is to remain in therapy, take your medications, go to counseling and please maintain an open mind about finding a more loving community that doesn't force you to talk about things you want to keep private and doesn't isolate you.
  
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  Giordano

  Welcome Lost Puppy good advice so far especially on the mental issues you have experienced... which needs to be your first priority.

  You also need to develop a community of friends. To be able to discuss life, love, faith and belief. To have some good times with.

  You are welcome to join us on this forum. If your active in your posts and responses you can join any conversation, report back on your mental process...... pretty much anything in your life that you need to share. You will develop friendships and experience support.

  Believe it or not you will not be judged as most everyone on this forum is making their own personal trip to find meaning and happiness.

  I am not a believer. I estimate that most don't believe in the JW doctrines on this forum and some just confine it to a belief in God.

  You have already explored many different JW congregations and have not benefited from any or at least not for long. That shouldn't surprise any of us. Act a little differently, be too needy, not believe everything, don't walk the line and it's by by.

  One problem may be that the JW's are very narrow in their human perspective. They want to pretend that they love one another but their love is conditional on fitting in and being obedient.

  Sometimes you can find a more loving group to associate with, even a religion that is more open, helpful and accepting. The good thing about your faith is that its portable you can take it with you if you want.

  If there is a God one would think he or she would find any number of other religions acceptable...perhaps even more acceptable then the JW's. There are Church's where people can believe what they want to believe. Church's that have women pastors. Church's that actually make a big deal about helping people in their time of need.

  Many of us feel that the WTBTS and their followers can be some what Toxic and dismissive for people in need.

  Best wishes and hang out with us for a while.
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  Alostpuppydog

  Well thank you guys very much so far as for your guys' responses. I am wondering if you are right and I should remove myself like I have in the past. I mean, it seems being a young person that is not even in a closely connected family and is living with the issues I deal with May pose too much of a threat to them. But I do agree with most of their biblical beliefs, however yea, being accepted into any congregation thus far has just not happened regardless of the time frame and regardless of how much it seems I have reached out. Now I have work today so I won't be home doing nothing today. But I still wonder why if I have begged 'Jehovah' countless times to help me and I have been acting in accordance with my prayers, why things only get drastically worse. I might just return to praying to Yahweh and I already am going to meet with a group of people dealing with similar issues of my own tomorrow. I think someone from my congregation is reading what I have posted on here lol...Just saying.
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  notalone

  Dearest Lost Puppy, My family is also bi-polar, OCD with anxiety disorders. We were also multi-generation JW's. Though the idea's of living a moral life with those who support you as a community sound wonderful. That is not what is actually practiced. There are some sincere ones but, the overwhelming schedules and guilt really play havoc on those who are more limited on what they can handle. Don't go back. Get professional assistance.Read self help books. Eat healthy foods with natural fats ( this is very important for the brain to function). Go to bed early, as early as needed so that you wake up well rested. For some who are affected by the seasons it could be 10 or 11 hours, especially if you have been under stress. Spend time in sunlight and maybe take extra vitamin D in the morning. After you feel a little more stable join a group that shares an interest ( for example: swimming,pottery, cos-play).