"mum, i been naughty, i'm disfellowshipped."

Sabin

So last night we get a phone call from our girl & she tells me the above. Turns out she has been D'ed for a month. We are the last one's to know about it. Infact she made me turn off the speaker phone so her dad wouldn't hear & i could tell him quietly later. Of course i wasnt about to let that happen cause i knew he would be great about it. Him not being a JW & all that. I'm going to stay with her for a bit & she 100% knew we would never shun her NEVER, yet she didn't want us to know. Brazen conduct, she got off with a boy, no intercourse but she has been putting herself in bad situations. LOL. She said to me "when i was pioneering, go out in the ministry, all the meetings & socializing i was lonely, now that i am D'ed i am not any more." So i replied "what does that tell you?" her "Satan is a bastard." she is completely defending the Borganization. I can't believe it. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. She is going to all the meetings, she wants back in. These people in this borg have treated her like shit, they have put her through so much, bullying, lies, ignoring her, excluding her, dropping her, & that is all before she got D'ed. Now they are love bombing her to get her back, she isnt being shunned, the elders are helping her. Anyone got an explanation for that? I think they are trying to get her back before she has a chance to find out anything about what is really going on in the borg. So i emailed a friend for advice, look at jwfacts, which i have done but she will not as it is considered apostate. We are so alike, passionate, so i'm worried i'm gonna blow it with my big gob, getting all emotional. My husband said she gonna go back i have to except it. So do you think they are taking a new approach now towards some of the young ones since the ARC or is there some other motive.

Pete Zahut

Before offering advice....how old is your Daughter? Am I correct in understanding that she is full on disfellowshipped and is not being shunned? Could it be that she was only publicly reproved and that's why people are love bombing her rather than avoiding her?

Sabin

Early 20's, & yes she is disfellowshipped.

Sabin

They have no issue with me going to stay with her. They said well that is your mum. i'm just not supposed to talk to her about spiritual stuff. Her sister who's husband is an elder is allowed to talk to her on the phone but no spiritual stuff. She said they have been amazing.

atomant

As far back as l can remember its been ok to talk to a disfellowshipped person especially family as long as its not about spiritual stuff.The shunning so often talked about on this site isnt as bad as its made out to be.

Pete Zahut

We are so alike, passionate, so i'm worried i'm gonna blow it with my big gob, getting all emotional. My husband said she gonna go back i have to except it.

From the sound of it, your husband may be right. It sounds like she's made up her mind and wants to go back. All you can do is let her know that no matter what direction she goes, you'll always be her Mom no matter what.

If she goes back and gets reinstated, it doesn't mean that's the end of the story. If she's reinstated, she can have the best of both worlds if she decides to fade someday.

Perhaps you can try some reverse psychology on her such as:

"I know you were quite lonely back when you when you considered yourself as doing better spiritually but if you think it's best to go back then of course I'll support your decision. There might be times when it will feel like your options are limited as far as meeting anyone and who knows how long this system will continue but if you've made up your mind to go back, that's your decision to make. I'm ok so long as you aren't being pressured or doing anything out of guilt or fear or that I will think poorly of you one way or the other."

As far as why she isn't being shunned, I'm baffled. As far as I know, this is highly unusual. They've said a lot lately about not even associating with DF'd family members unless absolutely necessary.

Sabin

atomant, i have D'ed myself & yes i was treated really well. People in the cong cared about me, missed me & that didn't stop for years. The elders always made sure i had my mags, a seat at the hall, they spoke to me blah blah blah. I was however one of the lucky one's. Since living on the Gold coast i can assure you, the level of cruelty inflicted on ones even before they are D'ed is horrific. These one's wouldn't call an ambulance if they saw a D'ed person run down in front of them. I got the subtle death threat even when i was struggling to get to the hall. You need to read the Organized to do Jehovah's will book pg 158, they do this to kid's for f...k sake. If we are brought up in a good family then we can neglect to understand the feelings of one's that have been abused. The same goes for our experience's within the borg. People often make the mistake of not caring because it hasn't happened to them, so it doesn't matter then that it happens to someone else. The thing is it does matter doesn't it? or at least it should?

LisaRose

It's a cult. They are using fear, obligation and guilt to maintain control over your daughter. Her being disfellowshipped does not help her break free because by engaging in conduct they have convinced her is sinful she has become too filled with guilt to think rationally. This is what they do and how they maintain control. I strongly urge you to read Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs (2012) by Steve Hassan.

I haven't yet read this book, but I have read his first book. He has had success in helping people break free of this thinking. Going on about the many faults of the Watchtower will not work, she has been trained to see this as an attack by Satan, it just causes her to become fearful. Steve first tries to engage with people on a personal level and reach their non cult personality by talking about their life before the cult, or their hopes and dreams before the cult thinking took over. He uses family members to reach out to them and remind them of those important relationships. Maybe you could try asking her what she would do with her life if she wasn't a Jehovah's Witness. You could ask her what she thinks about those who have given their life to the religion because they thought Armageddon was so close and who now have nothing. You know your daughter and what her thoughts might be, what might be potential issues.

JRK

When you talk to her, tell whomever asks that it is "necessary family business." Tell them nothing more.

JK

stuckinarut2

The Fear Obligation and Guilt is strong within her sadly.

If an abused wife wants to run back to her abusive husband, how would we handle that? She has been dealt with in an abusive way by ones who are treating her improperly, yet she wants to go back? Poor girl is fulfilling the definition of an abused person in a toxic relationship.

She needs kind and considerate love to be helped to see things for what they really are.

"mum, i been naughty, i'm disfellowshipped."

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