Concerned Parent

by ConcernedParent 33 Replies latest jw friends

JTrottigy

Dating is wrong for Jehovah's people unless they are both baptized and exemplary, and they must be old enough to legally marry. Pretty simple to obey.
ConcernedParent

I'm on my phone and can't figure out how to edit my OP, so I'll just add here.
Thanks so much for all of your responses! I've been researching JWs quite a lot, so I was already familiar with many of the things you've warned me about. My dilemma is this: should I just let things continue as they are (since they are so young and it will probably fizzle out long before I really need to be worried), or should I prevent their interaction as much as possible without outright forbidding her to date him? I don't want to just forbid it because I think that would pull her away from me, and we are very close.
Some background: He is her age and has not been baptized. His family is active (they attend meetings), but he is allowed to do things that I wouldn't have expected them to allow, like be on the school's soccer team and go to school dances. One parent seems more strict than the other. They do know he's dating my daughter (but they might not use that word), although the stricter parent might not realize how often they see each other. I have met the parents and they were very nice. I think he is drawn to my daughter because she is wholesome and innocent when compared to many of their peers. (My parenting style isn't so different from theirs, minus all of the religious stuff.) They are also a very close family.
The boy has expressed doubts to my daughter..,he's not sure if he wants to continue in the religion, and he's indicated that any future children he has could be raised in his wife's religion. Neither he nor his family has ever tried to "witness" to my daughter. They don't really talk about their religious beliefs, etc. He keeps his religion on the down-low at school, and seems very normal. He plans to go to college, but doesn't seem to have very lofty goals.
In response to a question about holidays... he gave my daughter a small Valentine gift without his family's knowledge. He told her he's not allowed to do holidays.
I do feel like he might be looking for normalcy, and I feel sorry for him. However, I'm not willing to risk my daughter getting sucked in to that religion. I worry that if they continue to date, he'll eventually either try to persuade her to the JWs, or he'll face serious issues with his family by trying to pull away.
Thank you again for all of your insightful comments.
Simon

From what you describe he also may be looking for an exit but you don't want your daughter to just be a life-raft to enable that.
It may not necessarily be a conscious thing, but you don't want the relationship driven even partly by the need to escape something else instead of 100% driven by real love and affection.
Of course you are best to judge motives and outcomes, we're just describing 'things that sometimes happen' and what it's like from the other side, to the person in the JW mindset.
jp1692

CP: My dilemma is this: should I just let things continue as they are (since they are so young and it will probably fizzle out long before I really need to be worried), or should I prevent their interaction as much as possible without outright forbidding her to date him? I don't want to just forbid it because I think that would pull her away from me, and we are very close.
Great questions, CP.
And your further elaboration paints a very different picture of things from the limited information in your OP. Thanks for explaining.
(BTW, you can only edit a post for about 1/2 hour after you initially post it. After that just add a new post to continue the conversation exactly as you have done.)
Have you shared your concerns about the religion with your daughter? Perhaps you should encourage her to do her own objective investigation of it. She could compare what she finds to what the boys says and to what his parents say. Then you can help guide her choices. This will teach her important life skills while keeping the lines of communication open between the two of you and not push her away or drive her “underground” into deception and/or trying to hide the relationship from you.
You might even gently point out the significance of the fact that the boy feeling that he has to hide some of his actions from his parents is a serious, red flag -- a warning that should not be ignored!
days of future passed

If you have a close friendly relationship with her, then a friendly chat with her about a few things about the JW religion, might work.
"I wanted to know more about Boyfriends religion and found out about the Holidays. I also found out they restricted your type of clothing (that might get her the most). Sounds funny doesn't it? If you wanted to watch the latest movie about ---- you wouldn't be able to go because of it's rating. Even dating Boyfriend can cause a lot of trouble in his place of worship because the men in charge - Elders - would say he is disobedient being with a "worldly" girl. They have all the power in their church and they make sure each member does what their religious leaders tell them to. They are like Scientology in many ways."
Only you know really what would be appropriate and right to discuss with your daughter, but you'll regret not saying anything.
This religion can have a strange hold on people. Even if they have been out for years, the fear this religion instills in you, can drag you back in. Especially if something frightening happens in the world. Then the thought of Armageddon and God bringing judgment on them, will send them panicking back to the safety of the religion.
I certainly hope that Boyfriend leaves this religion, but although the parents seem nice, they are still in. Their child's future will be one of destruction if they allow him to leave. Sad but true.
I had friends that I knew since I was 13. They stopped going to the meetings for years so I would bring them the latest magazines. They only attended the memorial once a year. They even had "worldly" friends they went on cruises with and didn't mind helping out at Halloween for a cousins child. Yet when I found out that this religion was false and tried to tell them about it, they snapped right back into being Ultra Jehovah's Witnesses and condemned me.
That is what you have to be concerned about.
Jerryh

Dear concerned parent, you are have come to a forum populated by ex-witnesses and forum posts by
the nature of the case are short. There are no JWs in my family other then my daughter, now her
young family. Your story is identical to mine of twenty years ago so listen to the warnings you have
received. My JW son-in- law is a wonderful young man and excellent husband and father. I say this
because there are about 8 million JWs and they are just people with the full gamut of personalities and
virtues and lack thereof. The "Governing Body' (yes capital letters) is the issue and they are antichrist
not that boy who is a guest in your house. You are a Christian and so am I (not much of one but that
another story) and I wish I had known then what I know now. Here is why the GB is antichrist in Greek
and English. Anti in English means opposed or against but here is ἀντὶ in the New Testament.
ὀφθαλμὸν ἀντὶ ὀφθαλμοῦ καὶ ὀδόντα ἀντὶ ὀδόντος. (Mat 5:38)
eye for eye and tooth for tooth
ἀντὶ τοῦ λέγειν ὑμᾶς (Jam 4:15)
Instead you ought to say
ἀντὶ in the NT often means substitute and that is what the GB claims for themselves, alternative
mediators between God and humanity. Jesus is their mediator and they are the mediator for the rest
of us. Here are some references from their publications.
*** Watchtower 1979 4/1 page. 31 Questions From Readers ***
” So in this strict Biblical sense Jesus is the “mediator” only for anointed Christians.
*** Watchtower 1991 2/15 page. 18 par. 11 “You Were Bought With a Price” ***
Christ does not act as Mediator of the new covenant toward them, yet they benefit from this covenant through the work of God’s Kingdom.
Worldwide Security Under the “Prince of Peace” (one of their little books)
*** ws chap. 1 pp. 10-11 par. 16 The Desire for Peace and Security Worldwide ***
Jesus Christ, is not the Mediator between Jehovah God and all mankind. He is the Mediator between his heavenly Father, Jehovah God, and the nation of spiritual Israel, which is limited to only 144,000 members.
So at this point concerned parent you probably know more about JW doctrine than the boy friend and I am
absolutely serious. He may object and say "I believe in Jesus too" and be sincere.
Here is how JWs get Jesus whether they know it or not.
*** Watchtower 1983 8/15 page. 23 par. 14 United Fruit Bearers ***
Just as the anointed “branches” of the “true vine” must remain in union with Christ, the “other sheep” must remain in close union with “the faithful and discreet slave,”
Of course I am assuming the boy friend is one of the "other sheep". Ask him
Take it from someone who has been there CP do not let this slide. Find out about the "slave".
Jerryh
Jerryh

one more thing CP, NEVER quote anything and say it came from this forum as it is "apostate".
all those quotes above you can get first hand at JW.ORG
search here https://wol.jw.org/en/wol/lv/r1/lp-e/0
jp1692

Jerryh: CP, NEVER quote anything and say it came from this forum
Totally gotta' disagree with you here. CP and her daughter were never JWs and don't have to worry about silly JW rules.
In fact, it is important that CP and his/her daughter consult a variety of sources, try to evaluate the objectivity and bias of all of them and reach an informed conclusion.
It would be particularly powerful for CP's daughter to talk to her boyfriend and say, "Look, I've examined jw.org, jwfacts, a forum of ex-JWs and also several independent governmental websites investigation JWs as well as a variety of journalistic sources and what I've found it ...."
This could be a really great learning experience for CP's daughter.
CP's goal is to keep her daughter safe and to prevent her from joining a cult. It is not to attempt to "rescue" her daughter's boyfriend and/or get him to wake-up and leave the cult. If that happens, great. But he's only 15 and has a long, hard road ahead of him that HE has to figure out and walk. And he has to do it for himself first and foremost.
Jerryh

CP's goal is to keep her daughter safe and to prevent her from joining a cult. It is not to attempt to "rescue" her daughter's boyfriend and/or get him to wake-up and leave the cult. If that happens, great.
Hi jp, I was hoping for both. tks for your input
Wild_Thing

Whatever you decide to do, you sound like a great mom! :)
Does your family (or the boy's family) have a history of people getting married at a very young age? I ask because this is common in some/many JW families. It was common in mine. If both kids seem like normal kids, then I wouldn't worry about it and let it fizzle out on its own.
If there is a history of marrying young, then I would go to the lumber store and start boarding up the doors now. And if they do ever become sexually active, he may put pressure on her to marry young. The fact that he is not baptized is a good thing, so he may not. Most JW kids get baptized between the ages of 14-18. I would wait and watch this kid. My bets are that he wants all out of the JW religion, but if they talk him into getting baptized, that changes things ... a lot! It's not like they are ever given a choice to stay or not, but if you're baptized, it's so much harder to leave.
Hells bells, woman! You have a tough decision! Good luck!

Concerned Parent

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