Deity Resigns Post
In a press conference this morning, Jehovah God announced his intention to remove himself from association with the Watchtower organization, citing "irreconcilable differences" and "personality clashes" with senior Witness leadership.
"They kept on bugging me, taking my ideas and then twisting them, and then hogging all the credit!" said God.
"The final straw was when they told me my son had to cut his hair," said God. "They said he needed a blow-dried perm that would help make George Michael cool again."
The Witness leadership, called the Governing Body, would not comment on the situation, saying that such dialogue would only serve to "give ammunition to opposers."
In an interview at the VH1 Music Awards, however, the unoffical leader of the organization, Ted Jaracz, had more to say.
"Frankly, his decision to leave the group is long overdue. We've outgrown him - and some of his concepts that he kept hammering away with, the peace and love bulls**t, well, we just don't see eye to eye anymore," said Jaracz.
Jaracz said, "Plus, he screwed us over in '75 with the Armageddon World Tour. I mean, we had it all set up, and then he doesn't show? What's that all about? Pretty d**n unprofessional, and not what this organization needs."
"Yeah, well, I'm sorry that the whole Armageddon tour fell through again," said Jehovah. "It would have been great, but the other guys just kept wanting to overdo it, with all the mayhem and world catastrophe. I wanted a few club dates, but they insisted on booking entire continents."
The name of the organization will be changed to simply "Witnesses," said Jaracz, to avoid a lengthy court battle over copyright issues.
"I told them that I would sue their asses off if they used my name again!" said Jehovah, bluntly.
A brief letter was read in all congregations during the announcements portion of the Service Meeting this week, and field service is scheduled to go ahead as planned, said Jaracz.
Jehovah said, of his future plans, that "I want to look up some old friends, maybe hang out in Amsterdam, spend some time with the kid, and then poke around the Sahara for a while, see if I can't get a blooming garden going."
"Maybe I'll run for office," mused the Supreme Deity, "I'd like a cohesive national health care policy, not to mention legalized marijuana and reduced restrictions on handgun ownership."
CZAR of the Divine Channel Class