Dead at Sixteen

COMF

On May 30th, Rachel Marie, the 16 year old daughter of a coworker of mine, was killed in a car wreck. She would have been 17 on June 23d. I did not know the girl; I barely know her father, but out of respect for a coworker and enpathy for his loss I attended her funeral today.

To their credit, those who prepared for the service had done quite a fine job. A program handed out to the attendees had a picture of her on the front and a poem she had written quoted on the inside. As we seated ourselves and waited for the service to begin, there was a slideshow of pictures of her from infancy up to the day before her death. The recorded music (Churches of Christ don't allow live instruments--a cult-specific quirk similar to Baptists' condemnation of dancing) was tastefully chosen contemporary Christian music focusing lightly, not fanatically or unrealistically, on hope in the face of sorrow and loss. The church was packed; there must have been over 300 people there. Lots of schoolkids, but lots of grownups, too. It must be nice to have such a support group.

The comforting mood set by the slideshow and music were destroyed as soon as the service began. Some old guy opened with a prayer that went on and on about all the reasons we have to thank God for all his gifts. Does it occur to anyone that this may not have been what the grieving family was thinking right then? The very long prayer of thanks and gratitude mentioned a couple of times in passing "the life of this young girl" without mentioning her name.

Next, the youth minister got up and verbally fumbled around a bit... it was obvious that he had prepared some notes and now that he was there in front of the congregation and the family, he was having last-minute realizations about the logic of some of his statements.

Mercifully, he didn't go on very long. He called the girl's younger brother up. This young man, 15 years old, did a tremendous job of eulogizing his sister. He brought her to life for us; he told about life with her, describing her personality and moving us all to apperciative laughter many times. Afterward, one of her best friends came up and told more stories of experiences with her, and then sang a song the two of them had used to sing as a duet with Rachel playing guitar.

Then another preacher got up, and the service went to hell again. More prayers of thanks, more fumbling and mumbling all around the reality, and some digusting outright idiocy.

Bruce, a friend and fellow employee who rode to the funeral with me, and I slipped quietly out when it came time to view the body.

CLASSIC DENIAL IN FULL EFFECT:

"Friends, let's all sing together this wonderfully inspiring song...and sing JOYOUSLY"

"Rachel lived a full life. God had a purpose for Rachel, and she fully accomplished that purpose."

"What Rachel wanted more than anything else was to be with her lord. And she has achieved that desire. What Rachel wants now is for her loved ones to join her in Heaven to be with the lord."

"This is not a sad service; this is a joyous celebration of a full life."

I was so angry when Bruce and I came out, that I said to him, "Look, I was raised a Baptist, and I know how you believe and all, and that's okay if it works for you, but I was almost choking on all the denial in that place. The girl was 16 years old. She was ripped violently and prematurely out of this world. She did not "accomplish her purpose here". She did not "live a full life". And this is NOT a "joyful celebration of a life."

Poor Bruce didn't say anything for a good five minutes.

myself

Comf, what a sad situation. It breaks my heart to see a young life cut so short. Sometimes it seems like they have a standard service and just fill in the name.

outnfree

I DO hate it when the eternal life hope of a congregation and its ministers clouds the reality of a suffering family who has just lost a family member. Especially, as you noted, COMF, a family member who died young and catastrophically as did Rachel Marie.

Whatever happened to "weep with those who weep, mourn with those who mourn?" The job of the clergy should be to tactfully and empathetically comfort, not to use the funeral service as an affirmation of faith advertisement. It's just not appropriate.

out

SheilaM

(((((((Comf))))))))))

I understand I have a attended one memorial service and everyone acted like my crying was strange. I would have had the same reaction. It invalidates the grief of the parents imho. I am sorry

ashitaka

She did not "accomplish her purpose here". She did not "live a full life". And this is NOT a "joyful celebration of a life."

Exactly. Just another reason why I hate religion.....it rapes all compassion away for the living; and gives it to 'God'. So sad.

ash

WildHorses

I feel for her family. To me, a funeral should be a celebration of ones life. That is why, when I die I don't want anything to do with a Church funeral.

The best funeral I have even been to, is that of my grandfather Anderson. It may have had to do with the fast that the minister(Lutheran) was a good friend of his but he handled it beautifly.

He spoke with all of us in the family and asked us what were our happiest memories of him and he wrote his eulogy(sp) based on that. Yes, there were tears but there was more laughter than anything. All the good times we all had with my grandfather were told for everyone to hear.

animal

I had an uncle, the brother of my natural father, that was a real prick. He hit my aunt and my cousin, drank and got meaner, and left them when my cousin was a kid. He was lower than low. This was in the 60's.

Fast forward to the late 80's. He calls my born-again-christian aunt and says he is in a VA hospital dying and would like her help. She forgives and takes him in. He gets better and drinks again, and gets mean again. But this time, he dies before he does any damage.

I got the call that he croaked, and I said good riddance. My wife said I had to go to the funeral, I said no way. As wives can do, she badgers me into it and we go 250 miles to this funeral.

The holy roller preacher is saying how god/jesus forgives all, if they accept jesus before dying. He says that with his last breath, my uncle accepted jesus and he will be in heaven with him. Oh ya, he also mispronounced his name in all this talking.

I had enuff, and told my wife "F this" and walked out. Later, my aunts all said to me how nice it was that I was so touched that I had to leave the service. That was before I learned to control my emotions and I went off bigtime, in the parking lot, about hipocrasy and thier stupidity.

When I go, burn me and throw the ashes on the first person that tries to sell anything at the door.

Animal

LyinEyes

(((((((Comf))))))) that was heartbreaking to read.

It is not my belief that God takes anyone to Heaven just because he wants them there or that there is some predestined time for someone to go. I am sad that poor girl who had only just begun to live is gone. I do hope there is a Heaven for her to have happiness there.

My son is 16, will be 17 next Jan. and is about to start driving and I am so afraid. But I know one thing , it is sad stories like this that make me appreciate every minute I have with my family, and I think I will give my son a special hug , in memory of the young girl who died,,,,, Rachel I think was her name,,,,, that is sad,,,,,my neice is 17 and her name is Rachel,,,, I think I will give her a call too.

Lady Lee

What a tragic story.

I think few people today know how to deal with death. All this talk about celebrating life seems to forget that we need to mourn and grieve the loss.

Celebrating the life does not exclude mourning the loss that the family experiences. I tis part of it. They need to go hand in hand.

Who died? What kind of person were they? What successes did they have? What sorrows and struggles? What loss for those left behind?

To truly mourn the loss I think we need to deal with these questions. To do any less does a disservice to the deceased and to the family and friends left behind.

Redneck

Lady Lee I agree with you

I think few people today know how to deal with death. All this talk about celebrating life seems to forget that we need to mourn and grieve the loss.

Even though death is a natural thing sometimes how it comes about is not.and I dont know anyone that really knows how to help someone deal with it.It is such an awkward things at times to talk to someone about.I believe that is why most people just leave it at "I am so sorry for your loss".And to be honest sometimes that means alot to family members.I know when I lost my twins Those statements and the look in there eyes when they said it.I knew that it was meant.

I DO hate it when the eternal life hope of a congregation and its ministers clouds the reality of a suffering family who has just lost a family member. Especially, as you noted, COMF, a family member who died young and catastrophically as did Rachel Marie.
Whatever happened to "weep with those who weep, mourn with those who mourn?" The job of the clergy should be to tactfully and empathetically comfort, not to use the funeral service as an affirmation of faith advertisement. It's just not appropriate.
out

Out,That is so true.My wife was never a dub she trys to understand but ya know its even heard for those that have been in it to understand at times.When our girls died my wifes pastor from her church was going to speak at the funeral the brothers would not say anything at the funeral because it would take away from there message if a Pastor from a church was there.I am so glad they didn't now since made me see what the "Truth" is. I believed it helped to when I told everyone before the pastor got there that the first time I heard someone say "it was gods will" even if it was the pastor I would kick the sh** outta them..cause I dont believe a loving god would do that..

Dead at Sixteen

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