> > 1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to
buy marijuana,
> > press the hash key..."
> >
> > 2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only
Clingfilm for shorts.
> > The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
> >
> > 3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't
> > find any.
> >
> > 4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50
quid that he
> > couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said,
"No, the steaks
> > are too high."
> >
> > 5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong
currant pulled him
>in.
> >
> > 6. A man came round in hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted,
> "I can't feel my legs"!
> > The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your
arms off".
> >
> > 7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
muscle.
> >
> > 8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit
a fire in the
> > craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak
> > and heat it too.
> >
> > 9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his
van covered
>with
> > hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
himself.
> >
> > 10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing
out of his head.
> > Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> >
> > 11. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of
Home."
> > "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
> > "Is it common? "
> > "It's not unusual."
> >
> > 12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's
cross-eyed, is
>there
> > anything you can do for him?"
> > "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
> > So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth.
> > Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
> > "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
> > "No, because he's really heavy"
> >
> > 13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket
ball stuck up
>my
> > backside."
> > "How's that?"
> > "Don't you start."
> >
> > 14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
> >
> > 15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
> >
> > 16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to
me "Can you
>give
> > me a lift?"
> > I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'
> >
> > 17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5
>people
> > in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
mum or my dad.
>Or
> > my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
>it's
> > Colin.
> >
> > 18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other,
"Your round.
> > The other one says, "So are you, you fat bastard."
> >
> > 19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid,
>the
> > other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.
> >
> > 20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today.
> > They left a little note on the windscreen. It said,
'Parking Fine.' So
> > that was nice."
> >
> > 21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt
my arm in
>several
> > places".
> > The doctor said, "Well, don't go there any more"
> >
> > 22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a
>small
> > two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish
search and
>rescue
> > workers have recovered 526 bodies so far and expect that
number to
>climb
> > as digging continues into the night.
>
>