Being a JW kid is hell (page 3)

OnTheWayOut

JRK: It was strange, when the therapist told me to write the letters, I thought I had no resentments towards my mother. Then I thought of the religion and it poured out. Mom was the sweetest person, but the cult messed her up.

Her problem, not mine- but my JW mother thinks all my problems are caused by my alcoholic father because I am an alcoholic and because I am smart like him and maybe a few other "like him" things.
In therapy, I know there's tons of feelings about my mother also, and not all of them are JW stuff.

For me, the important thing at therapy was not so much "assigning blame" to anyone, but understanding what happened and being able to move forward from it. I hope that helps.

Scully

"I was very angry at you when finally remembered in therapy and told you about Elder DD molesting me when I was a child. I told you about it, and you were matter of fact about it and not angry. Then when he died, you were sad and tried to tell me how wonderful he was. That hurt me considering my history with him."

then a bit later, you say:

"Through thick and thin I could count on you."

I hate to break it to you, JRK, but your mother was definitely NOT there for you when you needed her to defend you against a child molester, in fact, she idealized him to your detriment. She put other children at risk because she thought this child molester was "wonderful". Who knows how many other kids were molested by this man because she made a choice to throw you under the bus to keep in good stead with this Brother™ and the rest of the Congregation™.

I'm sorry you went through that, and I understand what that feels like because it happened to me too. I still can't get my parents to realize the betrayal I felt when I tried to stand up to the molester and told him to keep his hands to himself. He turned it around on me, saying I misconstrued what he did and concluded that I was the one with a dirty mind, and both my mother and others in attendance at the Book Study™ in our home agreed with him, and scolded me for being preoccupied with sexual thoughts and for disrespecting a Brother™. Sometimes I get nightmares about it and it wasn't the molestation that damaged me, as much as the fact that my own mother threw me under the bus and took the molester's side.

The Elders™ in our Congregation™ played a role in his being assigned to the Book Study™ in our home too. They protected their own daughters by keeping him out of their homes, and sent him our way, because my dad was a Ministerial Servant™, and therefore not privy to the disciplinary actions against this so-called Brother™ who was DFd, not once, but twice (and later a third time) for molesting his own daughters.

Not one of them sees the problem with their actions (or lack thereof), but they insist that I should be Forgiving™. How can you forgive anyone who glosses over their wrongdoing, blames you for causing the problem, and carries on their merry way, as if it was no big deal? I don't get it.

James Mixon

What I can not figure out I had a happy, happy childhood my mom and dad not JW's but loving Christian parents. How in the hell did I end up raising my kids in that organization. I got married before serving in Vietnam (20 years old), when I return home the wife was studying with JW's. She told me she will become a JW and it would be a good idea if I came along.

carla

This is all so heartbreaking. These stories should be a series in the Sunday paper or something.

flipper

Hey my friend, therapy is SO important, glad to hear it's helping you. I went through some counseling sessions after my mom died in December of 2016 , and 3 sessions of an hour and a half were extremely helpful in talking to my counselor. Helped me to deal with anger issues I had towards my older dad and older brother in how they warehoused my mom in a senior care facility the final two years of her life.

Helped me to see how the JW cult stole away their true feelings of empathy and why their emotions were stifled in silence and lack of expression. My therapist showed me how to display civility towards my dad in his final months of life before he died so that I would have no regrets and feel better about myself in calling him to just check on his health. I did this and it made me feel a lot better and tie up loose ends regarding my dad and my brother. Take care buddy, I'm with you, Peace out, Mr. Flipper

AllTimeJeff

Kudos on the therapy. That is very important.

Just read your letter and some of the responses. Definitely agree with Scully. There is nothing wrong with holding your parents accountable. I love both my parents. But my Dad is still being himself, and I while I am grateful for life and the things he provided for me, he is responsible for a very large share of the bullshit that happened to our family. Whether he likes that or not. And I am not going to pretend or be delusional just so I can have something to hang my hat on family wise, because that isn't healthy. He still lies to me and isn't a part of my life, so that's on him.

My mom left prior to her passing several years ago. We reconciled. She apologized for all of her stuff, as I did mine. To me, that is the only real way to have a good relationship.

As an aside, (and I am sure your therapist will help you here), the shame thing that permeates JW's and all relationships that flow through this fruity little cult is still a big deal, and a very underrated way to recover if you have left. If I had one piece of advice I would give to myself when I first left, it would be to deal with the shame and embarrassment that was bubbling underneath. I believe it's something all who leave this cult deal with in one form or another. And if you have been molested, then of course it's very real.

I wish you the best in your healing.

Being a JW kid is hell