Yesterday I found a disk I had forgotten I still had. It contained a paper I had written for a philosophy class I took last summer -- just about a month and a half after leaving the JWs. It's not the greatest treatise in the world and, today, I would have written it differently. All the same, it contains some of my thoughts on leaving that I had not expressed on this forum before, as well as some information some of you already know. Well, like it or not, here it is in all it's blemished beuty...
The Search and Struggle
For an
Authentic Life
By: J. Bradley Potts
“Whether we like it or not, moral challenge affects each of us. It is one of life’s bittersweet ingredients from which there is no successful escape. It has the power to enrich us or impoverish us, to determine the true quality of our relationships with those who know us. It all depends on our response to that challenge. The choice is ours – it is seldom an easy one.
We have the option, of course, of surrounding our conscience with a sort of cocoon of complacency, passively “going along,” shielding our inner feelings from whatever might disturb them. When issues arise, rather than take a stand we can in effect say, “I’ll just sit this one out; others may be affected – even hurt – but I am not.” Some spend their whole life in a morally ‘sitting’ posture. But, when all is said and done, and when life finally draws near its close, it would seem that the one who can say, “At least I stood for something,” must feel greater satisfaction than the one who rarely stood for anything.”
From the book, “Crisis of Conscience”
Those words are from a man whose name most people would not recognize, but a man that has, by his writings and example, forever changed my life. They are the words of a man who is regarded by some as an evil, malicious liar—an apostate. But in the eyes I have he is a champion of freedom and a shining example of sincerity of purpose. The man’s name is Ray Franz.
Raymond Victor Franz once sat on the supreme council of a religious organization that now numbers over six million people in virtually every part of the globe. It was a position of power. This small group of about a dozen men had control over intimate aspects of people’s lives. The respect given them was as great as that which is given some senators or presidents. But, in the end, he lost it all because he would not agree with the decisions of the group that he felt conflicted with his conscience. The sacrifice was great—excommunication, spiritual death—but the reward was a conscience free from the guilt and disappointment of going against it. Raymond Franz led an Authentic life.
The religion I am speaking of is Jehovah’s Witnesses. For some, Jehovah’s Witnesses are a benign and admirable group of proselytizers. Some think of them as simply being a nuisance to endure on an occasional weekend morning. For others, they are a cult, a deviation from true Christianity.
It is not my intention to thoroughly describe the theology or activities of Jehovah’s Witnesses, to do so would be a task well beyond the scope of this essay. But, being raised as an adherent to that belief system and breaking away from it has given me a greater understanding of the complexities of human nature, of the dynamic and sometimes bizarre thoughts and behavior of groups of people. I have seen the world from two entirely different, yes, utterly opposite points of view. It is this change within me, this transcendent struggle, which I am writing of. It is a struggle not unique to myself. It is a struggle not unique to people leaving Jehovah’s Witnesses or any other religious group. Rather, to some degree, it is a conflict each of us is faced with. To lead an Authentic life, a sincere life, is perhaps the greatest accomplishment one can have, probably because it is not often a goal attained. As Henry David Thoreau said “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”
My history with Jehovah’s Witnesses is not as glorious as is that of Raymond Franz. But my struggle has been, I feel, sometimes just as great. It is a struggle that has caused tremendous inner angst. It is a crisis that has caused physical sickness – daily for over three months I had to vomit because of it. In the end, it has meant the loss of virtually all my friends and family as well as the castigation of the religion I once held to be God’s chosen people. But despite all this pain and opprobrium, I feel it is worth it. The Authentic life is not always an easy one.
In brief Jehovah’s Witnesses believe that they alone are the true religion and all others are under the direct control of Satan the Devil. With the direction of their Governing Body they feel that they have a monopoly on truth, happiness and goodness. Often it is said that their leadership is ‘God’s channel of communication to his people.’ This is all taken very seriously. It is not to be questioned.
Their belief system is centered on the Apocalypse, which they feel is soon to be upon us. [1] All those who are not Jehovah’s Witnesses are viewed as being wicked and will be destroyed by God at the battle of Armageddon. This includes children and those who perhaps have never even heard of Jehovah’s Witnesses. [2] All this too, is not to be questioned.
My thoughts as to these teachings have changed over time. Up until my twenty-third year of life I did not seriously question their truth or righteousness. I had devoted the majority of my time since leaving high school to “pioneering”, a term used for those who actively try to make converts for a required ninety hours a month. I forsook a college education (officially discouraged by JW leadership) for this pursuit, viewing such as not as important in view of “the short time left” for the world to end. I did everything a young Jehovah’s Witness youth was supposed to do. I took my religion very seriously. Before long, I was giving 45-minute public lectures about the Bible to congregations throughout the Chicagoland area. I was interviewed at Witness conventions in front of audiences exceeding 10,000 people. I admit I was looked up to, and my future in the organization looked bright.
But, I was growing increasingly troubled. Questions as to the correctness of the teachings I had been given, and was now giving, bothered me greatly. Actually, questions that would disturb my faith surfaced occasionally, but these thoughts were to be consciously expunged from my mind. I can remember being about 14 years old when a member of my congregation broke his leg. He worked downtown and I asked him one day how he was managing with his condition. His reply left me puzzled. He said, “You know, people are nice” and went on to say how passerby would help him by opening doors and the like. This bothered me, since I had grown up to look upon the world as being evil, degenerate, worthy of destruction. How could it be that “nice” people existed outside the realm of Jehovah’s Witnesses? Being only a young teenager, this was unsettling. Looking back, I am amazed at how I could think so narrowly, so bizarre. But, when one is raised to look at the world in a dualistic black/white, us versus them mentality my conclusions were entirely logical. It was the dualistic teaching that was at fault, not my reaction to this indoctrination.
About two years ago my questions began to mount in my mind. How is it possible that a God of absolute love would destroy nearly six billion people when I myself find the killing of people abhorrent? How is it reasonable to think that everybody had to live a certain way, the way of Jehovah’s Witnesses? Does our preaching work really give people a fair warning of the coming destruction, or is it more akin to soliciting religious booklets? How can we make dogmatic interpretations on the Bible when I could recognize that certain things were obviously open to debate? These were the questions that started me out on a search that eventually led me to renounce my religious upbringing and, subsequently, my total isolation from the world I had known.
To be sure, there were other questions. So many, in fact, I would need to write a lengthy book to thoroughly explain them all. Areas that I studied included: theologies different from that of Jehovah’s Witnesses, Biblical deconstruction and criticism, evolutionary biology, geology, anthropology, archaeology, the dynamics of group psychology, studies in cultic mind control and books by former Jehovah’s Witnesses. It should be noted that independent research into these subjects is highly discouraged, and, the last area mentioned – reading literature critical of Jehovah’s Witnesses—is strictly forbidden. It is viewed as being apostate, something not even worthy to be touched or glanced at, in a word, anathema.
All this study and research (which totaled well over 1000 hours) was done secretly, so as not to arouse suspicion. Perhaps this gives the reader a feeling for the type of atmosphere a questioning Witness has to endure, the near phobic paranoia that exists against questioning any of the counsel or teachings of Witness leadership. Obviously this is done for practical reasons and organizational self-preservation, for my conclusions led me out of that organization.
During this time I read the book “Crisis of Conscience” by Raymond Franz. As I mentioned he served on the Governing Body for a total of nine years from 1971-1980. It is important to note that meetings of this supreme council are completely secret and not open to outsiders. The decisions made therein are to be viewed as Theocratic law, rulings looked upon in an almost quasi-inspired fashion. Now being involved in these secret discussions, Ray Franz saw firsthand how and why decisions were made, and the true attitudes and feelings of those on the body. Like myself, he grew increasingly troubled by what he saw, and eventually this led him down a path that led to his eventual excommunication from that religion.
The average Witness views Governing Body meetings as being very spiritual discussions by men in total agreement about the right course of action to take on matters. The true picture is quite different from the ones painted in Witness minds. In reality, the Bible sometimes was not even used in making decisions. Political lobbying and disagreements would occur as in any human organization. But the point for Witnesses is, the Governing Body is not looked upon as being ‘just another group of humans.’ They are viewed as being beyond that, almost inspired.
Decisions were made in a democratic fashion; a two-thirds majority vote would enact new laws into place as well as new theological outlooks. Franz felt, as I feel, that this was fundamentally wrong. This supposedly was an arrangement by God himself, not a bureaucracy. If the leadership could not unanimously agree on decisions of utmost importance, how could it be expected that the six million people who look to them for guidance had to unanimously agree to uphold their rulings, without a hint of doubting their correctness? This is simply illogical, but this fact is completely hidden from the rank-and-file Jehovah’s Witness.
Other decisions were troubling due to their intrusive nature on people’s personal lives. A husband and wife were forbidden from engaging in any form of sexual relations other than simple genital copulation. If they deviated from this law they could be excommunicated. At the same time a woman was officially not allowed to get a divorce from her husband even though he had committed an act of bestiality. She did so anyway and was excommunicated. If a woman was being raped and she did not scream or resist, she could be excommunicated since she was viewed as being a willing participant. Organ transplants were officially forbidden beginning in 1968, being referred to as “cannibalistic” (the exact phrase they used). This is but a small sampling of the many rulings handed down by a group of men, rulings that were to be viewed with unquestioning deference by the millions of people under their leadership.
Where is the logic in these decisions, though? In even intimate areas the Governing Body made rulings that most people never would allow others to dictate. Official rulings and doctrines sometimes fluctuated. For example, organ transplants were viewed as cannibalism till 1980, but after that, they were left up to individual conscience. But, if God directed these decisions why would he give them the wrong decision in the first place? Why would a change need to be made? When the ruling on organ transplants was reversed no official apology was given to those who withheld from having them, or even to family members who had relatives that died needlessly due to this erroneous decision. [3] All this made Ray Franz think deeply as to the correctness, not only of the religion he was involved in, but as to how authentically he was leading his life.
Eventually, by voicing his opinion of matters such as these as well as other doctrinal issues, Ray Franz was banished from his religion. Excommunication is the most extreme form of punishment that can be meted out to someone. When someone is excommunicated their name is announced publicly and that person is to be completely shunned. Even family members are not so much as to say “hello” to an excommunicated relative. Essentially the disassociated one becomes a sort of “living dead” as many times they are passed by without even a look into their eyes. They are damned unless they acquiesce to the demands of Jehovah’s Witness leadership. The total effect of this is that one feels completely alienated from the world he or she once new and the pressure to go back into the fold is enormous. Thousands of Jehovah’s Witnesses are excommunicated each year in this country alone and, although most come back, certainly the tactics used to accomplish these ends are questionable to say the least.
As of this writing I am not excommunicated. But, that is only a technicality. When I announced to my family that I no longer could believe what I was taught my brother-in-law told me “I want you out of my house, and I never want you to talk to your sister again.” (At the time I was living in their home while they were away for a year). I have had many friends call me up and tell me that they would no longer associate with me because of my decision. It would not be an exaggeration to say that I have been completely alienated from everything and everyone I once knew and loved.
So, you see, I had everything to lose and nothing to gain by leaving Jehovah’s Witnesses. Nothing to gain except a clear conscience, sincerity of action and an Authentic life. I have always endeavored to be a person of deep conviction. That is why I took my religion so seriously. But, when one sees that there are things that are fatally flawed in their beliefs, those beliefs must change. As a Witness I was raised to believe that it was the only truth available in a world of lies. I was taught that it was completely good and totally accurate, hence not to be doubted. It was a totalistic, all-encompassing worldview. There was no in-between, no gray area. Since this is how I believed, upon seeing serious errors in it the whole theological superstructure was now suspect. Unlike some who could pick and choose what they believe and what they disagree with in their religion, I simply could not do such. To do that would be going against the very foundation for that belief system—that of total unhesitating acceptance of what is taught by the leadership. It is as if the sails of a ship are damaged, therefore the whole vessel must sink.
I personally know people who are Jehovah’s Witnesses who secretly do not agree with everything that they are taught. A couple friends I know do not believe in core doctrines, essential components to the Witness belief system. To have them admit this is amazing in it self. Even more amazing to me is the fact that they ignore those inner doubts and go about their lives as if they did not exist. Many times this means actually teaching someone else things that the teacher himself does not believe. They are living a paradoxical life, not an authentic one.
If it is one thing I have personally learned since leaving my religion it is to not judge others, therefore I cannot pass judgment on people whose actions do not mirror their beliefs. There are very good reasons why they do this. Fear of losing their family and friends are one. When you leave behind a dogmatic and monolithic belief system you are confronted with decisions and choices that you have to make for yourself instead of them being made for you. So I understand and sympathize with those who are in effect “trapped” in a world that they do not fully believe in, yet are afraid of living without.
Personally, I cannot live that way. A peaceful conscience is the one that is free from doubt, especially of one’s actions. For a while, I led essentially a “double” life, believing one thing, yet passively going along with the regiment prescribed me by my religion. [4] I know what affect this had on me, the cognitive dissonance that caused emotional and physical discomfort. Something had to change. Since I could not disavow the facts that I now knew nor alter my thinking, my actions had to transform themselves to something that would comfort my mind. In one weekend I left my entire religious heritage behind. It cost a lot as I have mentioned. But the cost was cheap compared with the taxing burdens on my mind if I stayed where I was.
The time since then has been brief, about three months as of my writing this. In that time I have had my world essentially turned “upside down.” The friends and family I once took comfort and solace from, and especially the organization which I looked to for guidance, turned into great resistors and detractors of my course of action. At the same time, the world outside of Jehovah’s Witnesses, once viewed by me as “evil” and “misled” now became my home, my world. With my mind I recognize the bizarre nature of my previous thinking, but old ways of seeing things are hard to break. It will take some time before I can begin to feel comfortable with the world I am now part of. But they will be growing pains essential to the Authentic life I am striving for. As has been said to me, “The mind which renounces, once and forever, a futile hope, has its compensation in ever growing calm.”
Immanuel Kant once wrote, “Enlightenment is man’s release from his self-incurred tutelage.” I believe so, for I have lived it. The opening of my eyes to realities that I never dreamed and the realization that the controlling force in my life was nothing but a myth is the closest vision I will ever have of enlightenment. There is both enormous liberation in this, and immense loss. I have applied Horace’s advice, “Sapere aude!” dare to know! It is a dare for good reason. It can be painful.
The situation I have described is by no means unique to myself. I have corresponded with other people across this continent and in Britain who have left the same religion and gone through the same thoughts and feelings I have had. But the quest for an authentic life is not a struggle facing doubting Jehovah’s Witnesses alone. It is a struggle most of us must contend with.
I am not advocating a life of selfishness and unrestrained ambition. All of us do things that we do not necessarily want to do and this can be a noble character trait, the mark of a self-sacrificing person. But, when the “giving” becomes our own thoughts, our own minds and hearts, then we literally become a sacrifice of self on the alter of conformity. Our lives then become a lie, a lie to others and most of all, to ourselves. Perhaps this lie is living in a religious system and following precepts we strongly disagree with. Maybe this lie is being in a career we do not wish, but do so to please others. Many lie to themselves when they stay in a marriage that has long since become dangerous emotionally and physically. For some, their unwillingness to correct the past becomes a lie they live till they die. The possible lies a life can lead are endless.
Breaking free from a life of insincerity is a painful process, something I know firsthand. To see for the first time that cherished beliefs, which you based your entire life around, are false can cause great feelings of fear and bitterness. It requires a true understanding of self, an unprejudiced awareness of the facts, our feelings and conscience to see things as they truly are. When we finally see that our lives have become an unauthentic play we may try to convince ourselves otherwise and only further the lie. The effort put forth to understand what we believe and, more importantly, why we believe can take some time and put us in a very uncomfortable position. But such self-awareness is essential if we want to be authentic, if we want to be whole. As the noted psychologist M. Scott Peck wrote in his book “The Road Less Traveled”, “The path to holiness lies in questioning everything.”
“An unexamined life is not worth living”, so said Socrates. To that I would add that the examined life, which remains unchanged, is also not worth living. I am in the initial stages of a new life, a re-born self. I do not know what the future holds for me, what direction the winds will lead. The myths of certainty I grew up with are now replaced by an awareness of a much larger world, a world that is painted in the full spectrum of colors, not just black and white. Never before have I felt a oneness with humanity, for the first time I call everyone my brother and sister. I have a comfort in doing what I feel is the truth, the truth about the world and the truth about myself. The few people I have talked to about this have called me courageous for giving up so much in return for being genuine in how I truly feel. This commendation has kept me going, been a source of encouragement when I feel the pains over losing so much. Of all the respect people have given me for my choice of action the greatest of is my self respect. For in the end, this is why I did it. The satisfaction that comes from knowing you are truly leading your own life, commanding your own ship is great indeed. This has been my search, my struggle for an Authentic life. In the end, I hope it will be said I stood for something.
[1] It should be noted that Jehovah’s Witnesses have felt this way for 123 years. In addition, various dates have been put forth as a possible, sometimes probable, date for Armageddon. These include: 1878, 1914,1925, 1975 and others.
[2] At an assembly of Jehovah’s Witnesses years ago the president of that religious body tried to justify how God could destroy even small children and babies at Armageddon. He stated, “little rats turn into big rats” and hence must be exterminated. I leave the reader to judge how just and loving this is.
[3] The ruling on bestiality also changed, making this action something that would allow the innocent mate to get a divorce. Interestingly, there was no apology given to this woman or any others that were treated unfairly.
[4] And this regiment is quite entailed. There are a total of five meetings held each week in which attendance is obligatory. Adding up all the hours the average Witness spends in their “worship” and it easily comes close to 40 to 50 hours a month.