Sisters with unbelieving Mates

by slipnslidemaster 21 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  think41self

  Patio, just had to respond to your post.

  BTW, I love your posts. I can tell you are a kindred spirit

  I also regretted the way you had no social life, and tortured myself over my kids getting involved in school things. We had many tearful discussions on this, my kids and I. I am sooooooo thankful that I left when my boys were 12 and 13. While I feel badly about the years they did miss, I am thankful they didn't miss everything, like I did. So the next baseball or soccer ball or basketball that one of my sons scores with at some "worldly" function, that goal is going to be for you....and your kids, ok?

  think41self
• 

  safe4kids

  Patio,
  I agree with you that the organizational structure is the true culprit. The individual "sheep" are just doing what they're told...or not doing what they're not told. I'm very glad that I got out while my children were still young. They only have very vague memories of those "boring" meetings! And they don't remember field service at all! :-) They have been able to have so many experiences that were denied me as a "raised in the Truth" person and I feel very strongly that they have benefited a great deal from these experiences. They don't view every person they meet with suspicion and distrust. And they don't wake up at night with bad dreams of Armageddon. They aren't poisoned with that swill as so many of us were.
  Sorry to get off the subject here....I am just very grateful to be out.

  Safe
• 

  pamkw

  That is so true, my step-father was not a jw. And we were never included in any get
  togethers at people's houses, or sleep overs for the kids. It was like we didn't belong. the
  only time anyone paid attention to my mother is when they thought she needed a head, since
  her husband was not a jw, she didn't have one. (The one sitting on her shoulders, didn't count, it
  was female you know.) Then they would tell her what to do. She ususally ignored them.

  Once on an assemlbly program they interviewed a sister who had an unbelieving mate. And the
  brother giving the talk started to talk bad about her husband. And she said, "I love my husband, and
  he is a good man, and i am not going to sit up here and say bad things about him." She was very
  angry, and then interview didn't go the way the brother wanted it too. In fact, I think that part
  actually ended ahead of time.

  I also remember an announcement for a skating party,and they said that only jws in good standing
  could come, no unbelieveing mates, it was only for members of the congregation. There were many
  sisters and their children that choice not to attend that party.

  Pam
• 

  patio34

  Think41self,

  Thanks for the kind words--your posts are excellent. It's good you're out at a better time! Congratulations on . . . well, thinking for oneself!! Good name.

  Safe4kids,

  Another good name! Thanks for the empathy. Glad you're living life 'to the full.' I like what one poster said (Java?) that he joined another group: Mainstream Society!

  Jurs,
  Thanks for sharing your past re the conventions. I used to try to have a 'partner,' to avoid those times, but it didn't work mostly. I remember once stopping at a movie on the way home, because it felt SO lonely not being invited to all the restaurants people were going to.

  Mostly, I haven't had time nor health in the past 2 months to get involved in any other social stuff, but it sure is less lonely, not having the whole congregation ignore me!

  Patio
• 

  Yerusalyim

  My wife's second class citizenship as a JW started long before she met me, even long before her divorce from her EX I should think. She was the one with "two husbands" because her brother-in-law, her exhusband's twin, lived with them for 13 of their 15 married years. No there was no hanky panky going on with them. But she cooked, cleaned, washed laundry, etc for the bro-in-law. All the responsibilities of marriage without the sexual benefits. The b-in-l seemed to think he was also her head spiritually. When she finally had enough and told her ex it was either the b-in-l move out or she would, he was unimpressed. She even went to the Elders about the situation, but to no avail. When she divorced him SHE was the bad guy, not her. Her ex really expected her to take second place in his life after his brother. She DA'd herself during the divorce.

  Of course, marrying me, an "unbeliever" didn't increase her status in the congregation. She waited until we moved to a new area to be re-instated. But as I was a NON JW and in the military, she wasn't made to feel welcomed. In the first two congregations no one thought to approach me (thank GOD) except for a few part time JW's who I knew from work etc. My children from my previous marriage were invited out to play hockey, etc with kids in the congregation when her ex had their kids for a weekend or something. I allowed it even though I knew it was in an effort to convert the kids. Not to worry, they are solidly against JW doctrine.

  In Germany, however, efforts to be social were made by the congregation. As it was an English speaking congregation in a German area, most families had some ties to the military. There were, of course, efforts to convert me, but to no avail. I sat in on a few book studies that the kids did with one or another MS. I actually developed a friendship with one of the Elders there, a nice guy, we had a lot in common. At any rate, I guess my wife had a taste of freedom and is running with it. I can honestly say that in the last two years I've been to the Kingdom hall much more than she has. Here in the congregation in the states she was not welcomed, even though it's a military community and many in the congregation have military connections. She still talks about converting back to the catholicism of her youth. We'll see. Just my thoughts.

  Yeru

  YERUSALYIM
  There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
  Shakespere: Hamlet
• 

  outnfree

  Philo,

  LOL

  Slip,

  I don't know that I was merely "tolerated" or not. Our congregation was known as the "Party Congregation" and so we had lots of social events. We live in an affluent area (albeit with a territory which also includes some dire poverty), and I was the sister with the luxury van and the unbelieving mate earning lots of cold, hard, cash! (never knew I was supposed to subsidize the CO, though, which might explain why they didn't help me out after my surgery! -- see the thread slip refers to above!)

  I gave my fair share of parties, too, when my husband was away on his annual golfing trips -- in fact, once we did two parties in 10 days because of the recommendation that you keep groups small and we had so many we wanted to invited once the kids were getting older!

  However, it seems we were having too much FUN!!! So it was decided about three years ago that there would no longer be "congregation" picnics or bonfires, etc. The responsibility shifted to private persons. It was then that we started missing invitations.

  So perhaps we were "marginalized" and I was just too busy and too naive to notice. I wasn't so dense that I didn't feel the isolation at district conventions and assemblies however! Here's a story for you:

  It's Summer 1989. I am not yet baptized. We are living in Canada after having moved from Michigan in 1986. I have an unbelieving mate who has threatened to divorce me if I get baptized, tears up my mags, throws away my books if he finds them out, etc. (In short, I am persecuted for the truth's sake.)

  I have three small children, ages 5, 3 and almost 1 and have decided that the best way for me to handle District Convention attendance is to go back to Michigan where I can stay with (non-Witness) friends (thus no hotel expenses). I am not sure my husband will "let" me go, and, trying to avoid a confrontation, I have my 3 year old ask Daddy if we can go (Coward that I am -- she is his favorite). He tells her, yes, if she WANTS to go. I am already packed, acting in harmony with my prayers.
  We leave early, early Friday morning for the 4-1/2 hour drive to Pontiac, MI, but get delayed en route. We are late, so I hurry the girls up, put my son in the stroller, and we lug the coolers, diaper bag, bookbags, etc. into the Silverdome. As I get near the entrance I am informed that strollers are no longer allowed inside the 'Dome. (New local fire ordinance or some such! -- in the past, I could've sat back with the older persons and kept the stroller beside me as my child's "seat") So we have to bring the stroller back to the car and go get the CAR seat, so that my son will be able to be secure during the sessions. I have NO friends with me, and we ARE in Pontiac, after all, so I am not going to leave my belongings out side. We lug everything back to the car, put the stroller away, and I now have to carry my son in the heavy car seat (I don't have the lighter infant seat with me), PLUS all the things that previously were stowed in the stroller basket, in my arms. By the time I reach the entrance again, I am a sweaty, exhausted MESS!!!!

  Then, because we are late, the only place where I see 4 seats together is in the bleacher section (end zone) of the Silverdome. This means that in addition to having a side-on view of the speakers, we also have no backs to our seats. But, hey! we made it. We are going to have spiritual blessings! ... we settle in.

  Just before lunch, announcements are made. The brothers remind us that because of the great number in attendance today, the friends request that ONLY HEADS OF HOUSEHOLDS get in the food lines at lunch and bring the meals back to their families. Well, of course, I AM the head of household, I am NOT going to leave my young children alone while I go get our bagels, and everybody needs to pee anyway!
  So we go to the bathroom and then get in line.

  After all my efforts to get my children and I to a convention without totally pissing off my husband, the long drive, and the screwy problems with the new ordinance and the crappy seats, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO HEAR ON THE LUNCH LINE?????????

  I have to hear some self-righteous,20-something, BITCH of a sister (this still makes me very, very angry, 12 years later) loudly complain to someone else in line that "obviously SOME people haven't heard that the CHILDREN are supposed to remain in their seats while the family HEADS get the meals!"

  It is a measure of my goodwill, infinite patience, wisdom, and agape love, that I did not HAUL OFF AND SLUG my dear, Christian sister!

  (Those of you still in, please take note: Those "spiritual widows" among you deserve LOTS of help and LOTS of commendation!)

  Nope, didn't slug her. But truly, truly wish in hindsight that I HAD spoken up and pointed out to her that I WAS the HEAD of my household, had driven 4-1/2 hours to be there, and that she should perhaps CONTROL her tongue, because my children were MY responsibility and I was handling things the best I could. Oh! And would she please hold my son for me and follow us, as I carried our lunch back to our seats?!??? (and she lost her place in the line? )

  If it weren't for the great vanilla pudding ...

  outnfree
• 

  slipnslidemaster

  Oh the love.

  My name is Slipnslideius Masterus: commander of the armies of the North, general of the Felix legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius...
• 

  jezebel influence

  Outnfree,

  Oh how I wish you had wiped the smug look of her face,you could have done this in' a christian' way but she would have felt a fool!

  But the borg teaches us to be submissive not assertive.

  My Dad was unbelieving and then divorced mum and she became the single sister so I know what its like.How I wished I had both parents there so that we would be treated with respect.

  Another family of girls the same age as us was doted on by many because their Dad died befor they came into the borg.They were viewed as much more' spiritual',but they had tons of support and only we knew what they were up to at school!

  If I could do it all again'no thanks!'..I would stick up for myself and my family.And I would be more helpful to the single mums who are doing an amasing job with the best intentions for their family!

  jez
• 

  slipnslidemaster

  You know, reading that post makes me very upset. I know that I didn't have the correct attitude of love during those assemblies either. I looked at everyone in line and judged whether they were following the "correct" instruction from the platform or not. I looked down on people that I "thought" were spiritually weak.

  I feel like I should go to the convention this year and just walk around to help those struggling to make up for my attitudes.

  By their works you will know them? There is so little love there... it makes my heart ache.

  My name is Slipnslideius Masterus: commander of the armies of the North, general of the Felix legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius...
• 

  LDH

  OUT,

  your post made me sick. I've seen the day when I would've been the one judging someone in your shoes (after all, I was a regular pioneer and the daughter of an elder! Who else, if not me, was qualified to pass judgement?)

  Many times, while working in the assembly line serving food, my friends and I would give LESS THAN SMILING SERVICE TO SOMEONE LIKE YOURSELF WHO OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T FOLLOW THEOCRATIC DIRECTION! A crinkled nose, a look on my face like I smelled something distasteful, all designed to let YOU know that you were in error!

  Of course, if an elder I knew dragged his kids in line, they always got a smile and that extra hard look around for the last bag of potato chips and chocolate pudding.

  Thanks for making me barf.