THE REALLY, REALLY OLD WAYS
Slaughtering animals and hoping God likes them or you're banished or dead ...
Wandering the wilderness for decades choking on vanilla-flavored dust because you haven't had water for months and when you dare to ask about that your leader gets pissed at you and then God banishes him and kills some people who ate quail that He sent ...
Being slaughtered by bears for making jokes about a bald man ... when you're just a kid ...
Being transformed into a pillar of salt for missing the land of your childhood that just gone up in flames because God decided the only way to solve its problems was to burn it ...
Suffering for some sin your great-great-great-great-great-grandfather did ...
Sending your daughter out to homosexual rape gangs while angel guests of yours do nothing to help, then cutting up your daughter's body and mailing it to several neighboring tribes as some kind of rebuke or something ...
Preparing the slaughter your one and only child because God told you to, and when the knife was in the air, swooping in its downward arc, he stops you and says it was all a test, and gives you some animals to slaughter instead ...
Being slaughtered by some zealot Israelites because they want to move in, your virgin daughters captured and raped and made concubines for God's great chosen people ...
Cheer up, Teejay.
Dedalus