It has been several months now, since I learned TTAT and the shock and grief is slowly lifting, although some days are harder than others. After 40 years a devout believer I guess I should not be surprised that the transition has been challenging and the losses immense, and I am sure very many of you can relate to my struggles. I frequently read the posts on here and my heart goes out to all of you, who grieve and struggle each in your own way, and I wish all of you continued courage and peace. I also wish to sincerely thank everyone here who shares their experiences as well as links to interesting and/or important information. Your posts have helped me immensely.
I am also currently getting help from a compassionate psychologist, who, although he is not an expert in cults, is trying his best to understand and support me. As well, I am continuing to do research on religion, cults, the Bible and ancient religions, as well as researching life from a scientific and archaeological viewpoint. At first I think I was looking for a solid set of beliefs to replace my former JW belief system, but the more research I do the more I realize that is not likely to happen for me (although I fully support any of you who feel you have found some new version of 'truth' that satisfies you). One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with was that Jehovah wasn't real and the Bible itself contains many "holes" that make it's validity questionable at best. (Of course, I in no way wish to discourage or offend any of you who still hold the Bible as sacred and accurate, and I respect your right to believe whatever makes the most sense to you.) I am not an atheist -- I still believe in some higher power or intelligent universe that brought everything into existence or at least guided the evolution of life on earth. This being said -- my concept of God remains vague and uncertain.
I wrote this poem today and I decided to share it, since I think some of you could relate to it. I hope none of you will find it offensive, and I apologize in advance if you do. I welcome your comments.
Good-bye Jehovah
Bright, talented and only fifteen
A writer or artist could have easily been
I surrendered my dreams and relinquished my power
To the Father the Son and the Holy “Watchtower”
I discarded my sweetheart and most of my friends
and worried my family would die in the end
I went door to door with Bibles and tracts
To spread the good news of dubious “facts”
The God named Jehovah was real to me
Like his son Christ Jesus, I strove hard to be
I wanted to save the world with the “Truth”
And lead them to fountains of eternal youth
My motives were pure, but I was misled
Fantasies and lies were the food we were fed
All the prayers and the songs still haunt me like ghosts
But saying “Good-bye Jehovah” is what grieves me the most
For Jah was my friend and my guiding light
I spoke to him throughout every day and night
I believed that he heard me and truly cared
Such faith gave me courage when I was scared
Now I must let go of this burning belief
Though I’m weeping and trembling like a falling leaf
For I know too much and see all too well
The road I was travelling was the path to hell
So good bye now Jesus, Jehovah, Elohim
If there is a true God, I’ve not come to know him
I’ll take full responsibility for my own life
The smiles, the tears, the joy, the strife
Yet all is not lost for I realize
There’s still love in my heart and light in my eyes
I would rather live a life of quiet uncertainty
Than be certain of empty promises that will never be