My emotionally unhealthy living environment

by Nosferatu 12 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Nosferatu

  Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming, but the reality has hit me. My father has put me in a difficult position. First of all, I need to give you guys some background on the situation.

  Back when I was 20 years old, I had a girlfriend. No big deal, right? I had begun spending the occasional night over at her place, and I was visiting her quite often. My dad was trying to order me to stay home, but I refused to let him control my life. It got worse after I started paying rent. He started putting rediculous cerfews on me. I ended up living in with my girlfriend. My dad ended up changing the locks, and there were some things that he didn't let me take that rightly belonged to me. He would rub it in my face that since I moved out, I had no money. Little did I know at the time he was getting printouts of my bank account. He also told me that I wouldn't be able to afford to buy a car. I eventually bought one.

  Fast foreward to March 2002. I was living with a friend of mine, and he tried screwing me around. I desperately needed a place to move quickly and my parents gave me the offer. I accepted, but I told them it would only be temporary. I swore to myself that if my dad starts the controlling crap again, I'll immediately make plans for moving out.

  After me and my fiance decided to get married, my father wasn't too happy (as I expected). He asked "I thought you were going to buy a house". My plans for buying a house are still on schedule. For the longest time, he was incredibly quiet about the whole wedding thing.

  Last night, I decided to stay home and do some work on my autobiography. I went down to the kitchen and my dad stopped me. I'm guessing he realized that the wedding is now less than a year away. This is basically how the conversation went:

  Dad: Hey, are you still going through with the wedding?
  Me : Yes
  Dad: You know, if I was you, I'd wait a year. By then I'll have all my bills cleared up, and I'll be able to help you out a little bit more. I'll be able to give you $5000 by then.

  So, here's the first major sign of him taking action. Now, my dad is a compulsive gambler. He has been talking about having his bills cleared up for as long as I can remember. He's over $20,000 in the hole. His credit cards are over their limit, he's always stuck in overdraft, plus he needs money for gambling.

  My father has basically bribed me NOT to get married. He makes negative comments about my fiance every chance he gets. Then he tells me I should go for the woman who lives across the street. He's trying to plant ideas in my head.

  Bottom line, I need to get the **** out of my parents' house. Here's my dilemma, I have a wedding to pay for and rent is cheap at my parents place. If I move out, I'll have a lot more bills to pay, plus food. My fiance is helping out as much as she can with the wedding costs (we're planning a cheap wedding). The thing is my parents house is not an emotionally healthy environment for me to live in, and it is only going to get worse as the wedding day approaches.

  Anyone have any suggestions?
• 

  cruzanheart

  RUN, don't walk, as fast as you can out of that house. That's my advice. I did not do that and have regretted it in one form or fashion for 20 years. You will like yourself better for it.

  Love,

  Nina
• 

  breal

  Quality of life (not in a monetary sense but a happiness one) is very important . Perhaps you could look into sharing a place with a roommate or paying room and board somewhere else? Think of it as a dry run for things to come once you are married and need to support yourself and your wife. Or if you are able to stand it and it works best for you now financially and down the road with the wedding and the other things you have planned try to stick it out for another year. Good luck with whatever you decide.

  Cheers,

  BReal
• 

  acsot

  Make a list of the pros and cons. From where I sit, it seems that it would go like this:

  Staying in my father’s house :
  Pros	Cons
  ? you’ll save some $	? manipulative ? emotionally unhealthy ? stressful ? co-dependent/enabler issues (my father was an alcoholic, but the addiction manifestations are the same) ? negative about your fiance

  Seems pretty clear to me. If your father has been talking about having his bills cleared up for as long as you can remember and still hasn’t done so, things aren’t going to change. You’d like to think so, just as I wished my father had more interest in me than in his bottle. It won’t happen, not based merely on his promise.

  Debts are something you can do something about, a manipulative family environment isn’t. The only thing you can do is get out. Fast. Now.

  Congratulations on the up-coming wedding!
• 

  caligirl

  What changes to your ideal plans are you willing to make to get yourself out of the situation you are in? Do you want out badly enough to make some temporary sacrifices that will benefit you in the long run? Talk to your fiance as well. What adjustments can be made to your future plans that will ease the stress on your life now and allow you to make necessary changes?

  Don't feel like you have to answer those here but I think that self examination will tell you exactly what you need to do. There are ways around any obstacle. I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide.
• 

  sandy

  My father has basically bribed me NOT to get married. He makes negative comments about my fiance every chance he gets. Then he tells me I should go for the woman who lives across the street. He's trying to plant ideas in my head.

  I think this right here is reason enough for you to move out. I am sure your father isn't going to change anytime soon. You are probably right, things will get worse ss the wedding gets closer.

  This is the woman you are going to marry and if he doesn't like her then he should at least keep quiet out of respect for you and your fiance.

  May we know why your father does not like her?
• 

  Nosferatu

  I must thank all of you for your comments and thoughts so far!

  May we know why your father does not like her?

  I think most of it is just to discourage me from getting married. He always comments on how she's can't hold onto a job. She has changed jobs twice since I've known her (minimum wage jobs). She's going to school in the fall to take a Nurse's Aid course, and she'll be done in January.
• 

  outnfree

  Nos --

  I think you need to get out, too. Start looking for a roommate. Maybe on the bulletin board at the college your fiancee will be attending in the Fall?

  out
• 

  pettygrudger

  Well, I agree with everyone here that you should consider moving.....if your father really wanted to give you that money, he'd do it regardless of when you get married (it would be a wonderful gift at any time).

  But, at the same time, you are an adult. You don't have to "buy into" his games. When he makes these types of bribes - thanks but no thanks works wonderfully. Just ignoring his games is really the hardest, but the best practice. Show him his typical manipulations won't work, and after a period of acceleration, he'll have to find another route to feel like he has a relationship with you. Because, sick or not, all of these actions sound like a father that #1 - doesn't like not having control & #2 - a father that is desparately trying to hold onto his son, and perhaps a relationship that he thinks will disappear once you're out from under his roof.
• 

  Francois

  Your father is a sicko. But you know that. You've already gotten the advice you need. All I can do is to repeat what you've already been told.

  Get the hell out of there as fast as humanly possible.