What can I expect??

Bona Dea

My husband is getting baptized in 3 weeks. I have had some tell me to expect some big changes. As of now, I am agnostic...probably will be for the rest of my life. I know beyond a shadow of any doubt what-so-ever that I will NEVER, ever be a Jehovah's Witness...ever!!! I have a friend who has warned me that the witnesses will try to manipulate my husband into letting me go because of this. He told me to expect them to be nice for a while as long as I am a potential convert and as long as they are trying to win my husband. All this time, the opposite has been occurring. I mean, they've been nice but not overly nice...and there has been no indication that they have been trying to persuade him into separating from me. He has been trying really hard to be nice (albeit phony and sickening as hell), but he has been laying it on thick, and goes on with this "Jehovah doesn't like divorce" stuff...because we have been struggling with our marriage for a very long time.

Okay, so I'm thinking that my friend is way off base here. Then last night, my husband starts this "neither of us are very happy...we may need to begin thinking about doing something about this..." hinting around about divorce. I was floored. This whole time he has been on a holy-roly "Jehovah doesn't approve of divorce" kick and NOW, all of a sudden, he is initiating a conversation about divorce...when before he made out as though it wasn't even an option as far as he was concerned. It couldn't come at a worse time. My daddy passed away Saturday June 14, and I have been really depressed. And my husband hasn't even tried to console me, or offer some sympathy, compassion or just sit and listen to me talk about my pain. Actually, he's hardly spoken to me at all since my dad died. And quite frankly, it pisses me off. We have basically avoided each other since the funeral. He did come to the funeral home for one viewing and for the funeral - he was a pallbearer - (I guess I should feel honored ), but he gave me a hard time at the first viewing (long story), so I asked him to just stay home until the actual funeral. This is has been a very painful and lonely time for me. And he just hasn't been there for me...he hasn't even tried. I have been bombarded with flowers, cards, food, etc from the bros and sis' at the Kingdom Hall...but my own husband has kept his distance. And then he drops this stuff on me about how we are not happy anymore (like this hasn't been obvious for some time now), and my daddy hasn't even been dead two weeks.

The way things stand now, we have 2 kids...one of which is not his (mine from a previous relationship - my partner left me). He now takes them to the KH, every other Sunday and on Thursday's when he gives talks. He gives them their "spiritual food", as he jokingly puts it, every other day (he reads from the My book of Bible Stories and they have like a 20 minute discussion about the story he read). He has been trying to pressure me into letting him take them out into the service, but I don't think so. I get to take them to any church or no church every other Sunday (I am agnostic, so we go nowhere) and I get to do holidays with them - he doesn't participate, however...and I usually do the parties (easter, birthdays, etc) at my mom's house, to avoid arguing with him about it. So, this is currently our arrangement.

What do you guys think? I can't expect things to stay this way, can I? Should I brace myself for the worst?

Makena1

Wow - very sorry that you are experiencing so much anguish, especially so soon after the death of your father. ((((hugs)))

Something does not add regarding your husband's comment about making big changes. The bible and the borg (at least over the 40 years I was associated) never encouraged couples to break up because one was an "unbeliever". What happened to Paul's words - 'Husband, do you not know that by your fine conduct you may win over your partner without a word"? or something like that. Have not cracked open a bible in 3 years - used to know this stuff like the back of my hand.

I wish you all the best - keep us posted.

Mak

Joyzabel

(((((((((((Bona Dea)))))))))))

Sorry to hear about your father's death and the lack of support from your husband.

What to expect? I don't know. Human beings are a funny lot, especially under mind control.

I say take care of yourself and help yourself.

Hugs,

j2bf

Maverick

I am so sorry about your father, and your husband. Remember it is all about control. The J-dud master want all of it. That's why they frown of marriages with worldlings. They make it hard on both of you. They claim they promote marriage... they lie! They promote books and mags that talk about this subject. Oh and they quote the Bible, usually partial quotes out of context. This will not get better. Maverick

happyout

Hi, Bona Dea,

Im sorry to hear you are being manipulated in such a callous manner, especially when you are grieving.Unfortunately, many JWs view a death in the family as prime time to convert those who are grieving, so this may be his way of "shocking" you into becoming a JW. No one can make the decision for you, but, I think if you read some of the posts here, you will learn how difficult it is to maintain a happy marriage when one is a JW and their spouse is not. I have heard rumours (unconfirmed) that some JWs have talked their "worldly" mates into having an affair, to give the JW grounds for divorce. If it were me, I would leave, if only to protect my children. Imagine if one of them has an accident, and your JW husband gets to the hospital before you, and refuses to allow a blood transfusion. Your child could die for your husband's religion, and there would be nothing you could do about it.

However, marriage is very serious, and sacred, so I would not walk away from it lightly. Try setting written boundaries (no put downs of your lack of a religion, the children won't be made to follow the JWs, the children are allowed to receive blood transfusions) and see if that will work.

Happyout (wishing you the best of luck)

Ravyn

for a marriage already in trouble this is disasterous. you need to think about this carefully, especially with two kids involved. If he was not worth staying with before JWs he will not even be close to worth it after them. do you really want your kids exposed to this and have their lives ruined?

I am sorry for your loss. But unfortunately life goes on and you have some big decisions to make--soon.

Good Luck. Try to set up a nonJW network of friends and family that you can rely on in this time of stress.

Ravyn

jgnat

Getting a divorce just before baptism can't be good. Can you make him sweat a little, making it clear to him AND THE ELDERS that you are willing to support him in the marriage, and respect his beliefs, no matter how different they may be from your own?

I think that this approach may be possible without grovelling.

Hey, if he wants the "purity" and this religion so bad, make sure he has the "unclean" mark of an unjustified divorce hanging around his neck.

jgnat

The Secret of Family Happiness, page 132, "When the Wife is Not a Practicing Christian"

What if the husband is the practicing Christian and the wife is not? The Bible gives direction for such situations. It says: "If any brother has an unbelieving wife, and yet she is agreeable to dwelling with him, let him not leave her." (1 Corinthians 7:12) It also admonishes husbands: "Keep on loving your wives." - Collosians 3:19.

cruzanheart

Oh, Bona, I am so very very sorry to hear about your dad! And I think it is unforgivable of your husband to be so mean to you during this sad time. My dad died back in February and if Big Tex hadn't been the rock he is, I would have crumbled into nothing. I'm glad you are getting support, though. That is very nice of your husband's congregation to rally around you like that. It's been four months since my dad's death, and the pain is easing somewhat, so please give yourself time. You don't have to be strong, and it is supposed to hurt. A lot.

As for your marriage, hmmm, I don't like the tone he's taking. I think you have to decide if you feel the relationship is worth fighting for, or if it is healthier for you and the children to move on. I would, since I am of a stubborn nature, be inclined to stay put until he makes the move to leave, but that is up to you. Don't make any life decisions right now, because your judgment will be clouded by your grief. Just concentrate on getting through the grief about your dad and then look around and see what you want to do.

And please keep us posted.

Lots of hugs,

Nina

outnfree

The prpblem is that lately, the dubs ARE encouraging those with unbelieving mates to divorce on ground of "Spiritual endangerment." So jgnat is correct that if you want to stay, make it clear to the elders NOW that you wish to remain married despite your differences in beliefs. Another problem is that saying you "will support his beliefs" gives the JWs the impression that you will allow him to exercise headship over you and especially over the children (as soon as he is baptized, he becomes responsible for their everlasting life until they are of an age to decide for themselves to serve the true God, Jehovah, or not), which includes enforcing lots of things like meeting attendance, service, and non-celebration of holidays on which you two have been compromising thus far. He will be pushed and prodded to do things "Jehovah's way," which means the organization's way, which sure as hell isn't the way things have gone thus far.

Nobody can make the decision for you, BonaDea, but it sounds as though you are already unhappy in your marriage, so maybe it's best to cut your losses and get out of a sad situation that is only going to get more difficult (and more weird for the kids). I'm sorry to sound so pessimistic, but I'm trying to be realistic.

My condolences on the loss of your father. My daddy died long ago, and I still miss him.

outnfree

What can I expect??

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