A child's prayers

Lady Lee

I spent long years of my life in pain. Deep emotional pain. I prayed for God to help me but he never came. I prayed for my parents to change. I prayed for strength. And I prayed that one day some people would come and take me away saying there was a mix-up at the hospital and I belonged to them and they loved me. Praying never worked.

At 10 I was going to church by myself. Maybe if I went to church God would listen to my prayers. I begged my mother for a few pennies to put in the plate as it was passed around. Maybe God would listen if I paid him. That didn’t work either.

I remember sitting there, in the pew, my Sunday clothes on, feet not touching the floor, wondering why God thought I was so bad that He wouldn’t help a little girl. I listened intently as the words of Jesus were spoken, "Let the little children come to me." Well I was there but I guess he never saw me.

Maybe God knew what I did with daddy and he was punishing me. Daddy said what I did was bad and if the police found out I would go to reform school. And have nothing to eat except bread and water, if I was lucky. Reform schools didn’t like little girls who did the things I did. Maybe God didn’t either.

I was a sinner. Pure and simple. They read it out right there in the church. Words from the Bible saying I was a sinner. God knew what happened with daddy. And it was a sin. And I was going to burn in hell for it.

But I’m only 10 and I can’t make daddy stop. I don’t like it and I try to hide but he always finds me. I say "No daddy," but he doesn’t listen either. Guess God is like daddy and doesn’t listen to little kids.

Brummie

Makes me question my faith.

Brummie

Big Tex

Lady Lee, give that 10 year old a big hug from me. She deserves it. I want her to hear other people tell her that what happened to her was not her fault. It was done by a selfish and evil man. But he did not touch her own innate goodness. The rest of the universe finds delight in her beauty and grieves at her pain.

My personal belief is that this world is divided between good and evil. Part of the transition from victim to survivor comes when we begin to attach to the good and realize the rage that is felt toward the offender, the tears shed at the child's pain, and the tender affection felt toward the inner person.

Lady Lee

OMG BT Your words just had me sobbing. I didn't realize this pain was still there.

Thank you. bbl

Lady Lee

BigTex

Your words were beautiful. I went off and had a good cry.

I know it wasn't my fault. Somewhere deep inside I locked that child up so he couldn't touch that part of her. That is such a terrible place to live - with a part of yourself locked away from the people who are supposed to love and protect you because they are the primary ones who cause pain or don't offer protection.

When you are told that God loves you just pray harder and it still doesn't work it becomes really hard to believe that God cares at all.

By the time I was 11 I was studying with the JWs with my mother. Life did not get better. In some ways it got worse. Being a JW was supposed to be a protection. It wasn't.

I remember talking with my mother about how there must be something wrong with us because we did not have this zeal everyone was supposed to have. So I was a failure again - damaged goods - couldn't even love God properly.

I know know that is the mind control that the JWs put on people but at the time it sure contributed to my depression and confusion.

Thanks again BT

Brummie I hear you loud and clear

Hamas

Lady Lee, to come out of your experiences as you have and develop into the loving caring person you obviously are is a lasting testimont to your kind personality.

I myself had many unanswered prayers when I was younger ; for instance, why did my father always make life so difficult for my mother raising 3 kids in the Watchtower ? Many times I begged for help which never came ; things remained the same.

Now we are free, our prayers have finally been answered.

Lady Lee

Thank you Hamas.

Yes we are free

I'm still working on the answers

Cassiline

Lady Lee, give that 10 year old a big hug from me. She deserves it. I want her to hear other people tell her that what happened to her was not her fault. It was done by a selfish and evil man. But he did not touch her own innate goodness. The rest of the universe finds delight in her beauty and grieves at her pain.
My personal belief is that this world is divided between good and evil. Part of the transition from victim to survivor comes when we begin to attach to the good and realize the rage that is felt toward the offender, the tears shed at the child's pain, and the tender affection felt toward the inner person.

Another reason Big Tex that you should publish your work. You make one think and feel. I wish to read more of your writing as I believe you are excellent at it!! Thanks

(((( Big Tex ))))

((((Lee))))

I just saw your comment on another thread which mimics my beliefs about prayer.

Know sweetie you are a grand person who I wish I could meet.

Love

Cassi

myself

(((((((((Lady Lee)))))))))))

You are an answer to a lot of prayers. Because you have shared your childhood, you have helped others to see, that others have suffered too. You have shown strengh, and love at the same time. I love the person that you are.

Lady Lee

cassi and myself

Thank you so much

It started out as a pretty rough day. I wrote that and am still not sure where it came from. And then I posted it and then thought I should delete it

You all make me glad I left it.

Sharing is part of my healing. This stuff has been sitting inside for so long.

I feel like another layer of my recovery onion has been peeled off along with the tears

Thank you for helping me feel special

A child's prayers

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