pros and cons............. dissasociation......... disfellowshiping....... or just fadeing away. i got family that i dont wanna lose but im not sure the best way to leave and the consequences. raised in the "TRUTH" so all my friends are jw with a few exceptions. you know the whole anyone else is bad association and all. ill still be friendly to everyone i know unless they dont wanna be but its my fam im most concerned about. im stilll not even sure how to tell them how there wrong. i really dont wanna get dfed for apostacy rather it be for something else. come on yall pros and cons. i know that familys can abandon loved ones and such at the first hint of it .............. so opinions anyone?
opinions whats the best way to get out the door and not lose your fam DA or
by primitivegenius 13 Replies latest jw friends
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earthdreamer
I was DF'd and can tell you that it is absolutely horrific the way you're treated. Especially by your family. I chose to be reinstated some 11 years later just to be "accepted" again by my family. I was also newly married and didn't want any children to have to go throught the heart wrenching mind games that are played. I took the easy(???) way out by reinstating. After being reinstated for about 6 months or so, I moved away from the congregational area. I then just faded out. My parents are 3rd generation JW's and have no concept of reality outside of the JW world, so for them this was also the easy way. They treat me no differently and realize that they don't talk "truth tm" to me as I don't want to hear it. I guess you could say that I'm a lucky one. But I opt for fading out...but this could also mean a geographical change in order to not be called on all the times by the zealots
earthdreamer
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happyout
I faded also, moved to another city, and just stopped going. At first it was difficult, as my family is pretty well known, and I had some visits from "friends" who were concerned that I wasn't attending meetings. But, I didn't get DF'd, and didn't DA myself, so everyone could talk to me if they chose to. The latest I heard was that I am considered inactive, but my family is great, we hang out all the time, and they seldom bring up their religion. My mom still brings the mags, though.
Happyout
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unbeliever
I'm all for doing the fade. If they want to DF or DA you make them work for it.
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be wise
Hi, primitivegenius
I just like to say I don’t think there’s an easy way out. If you want to truly move on in life you not only have to be honest with yourself but with other people to - especially family.
I don’t know your situation but my mums been a hardcore JW for as long as I’ve known her. I’d say the fade is the best option – try and break it to them gently bit by bit as you learn more information that’s will open your eyes. Give them a subtle point to chew over – believe me they will chew it over – JWs are so easily influenced because of the GB, not only by them but by everyone else because of the way they process there group. Ease them in and then eventually tell them how you feel, you will feel tons better in yourself. It won’t be easy though and it will get very frustrating, just try and bite your lip at times – personally I lost it on a couple of occasions but got things back after using my brain, looking at it from as different perspective and apologising. They might be JW’s but they’re still your family and are the victims of very subtle mind control.
Now I’ve done all the above my mum is starting to respect me and who I am because I’m a much better person for it and I’ve made decisions and changed for the better and she can see that I’m being honest with myself and not going crazy as the WTS try and make out will happen but am sorting out my life. Btw, my dad’s a JW – that is a very self-righteous hypocrite type. He started being his usual childish, mournful self when she came home today– tired. She takes so much crap from him - I said through the door ‘why don’t you just tell him to piss-off’ and she did and laughed (pretty funny really for a hardcore JW) she’s changing but she doesn’t know it.
GOOD LUCK!
be wise.
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earthdreamer
I had also looked up some information and somebody correct me if I'm wrong. If you're considered inactive, the elders/society/whoever, can not DF you. I found it somewhere on the WTS site by doing a search on DF.
Anyway, yeah, my parents had the subscription sent to me. I felt really bad about all of the paper that was wasted when I threw them away unopened. Great day when they stopped doing subscriptions!
earthdreamer
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primitivegenius
well the fade out thing is something im kinda working on since i havent been to a meeting except for when i go home to visit my family in over ayear. the secretary prettymuch try to call me and get fieldservie time each month.......... im hopeing that will stop but i know its him and generally dont answer. my fam is still all 1st n 2nd gen witnesses. my sister and i were raised in the truth but my parents werent, and my crazy grandmother got baptised cause her second husband belived. there is nothing that would stop my grandma from associateing with me and id like to think the same of my folks but they would have to work for it. i try to keep my life away from them so they havent a clue what i do. but im a very open person so its hard for me not to tell everything but im working on being more vauge and shielding. i hope to even be able to say thats none of your business some day lol. i know ill have to go slow.......... if i convince my dad then things will prolly start to fall into place family wise but i hate not being able to talk to everyone. one bad thing is the fact that i was popular in the circuit........ well not with the sisters lol as i was and am painfully shy lol, but with the older brothers and sisters. you know the whole ms and regular pioneer right outta highschool and assembly parts and the like. quick builds and other assignments at conventions....... when i walk in the door even now they want to swarm me and get me to help if im not doing anything. i swear at least three people will come up and ask............ who are you working for? maybe i should start saying um ask the governing body and they will say satan lol. or just grow a goatee. hahaha at least the goatee would make me look my age lol. hey any of yall sisters wanna pierce an ear for me lol jk not a fan of that kinda stuff but i need them to leave me alone lol. i guess i could always buy an old pair of overalls and go with no shoes or no shirt and a straw hat and see if they let me in. any of yalll know where the local goodwill store is lol. but seriously folks i appreciate your opinions. im a people pleaser so this is real hard for me to leave even tho i know there on draino.. so ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((4allofU))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) PG
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Emma
I think it depends on your family as well as other factors. I faded and my mom and sib's treat me as though I'd been disfellowshiped.
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jws
I personally think the best thing to do is stay under their radar. Which means fade, don't DA or DF. If you do, you'll lose your family and friends. My brother and I did the fade and all of our family still talks to us. Sometimes I sense a bit of a sneer from our brother-in-laws, and sometimes a little bit of aprehension from the blood relatives. Once I left, things were never quite the same between me and my family and my JW friends, especially the friends. At least with family, you still have the family bonds. For so many JWs, once the religious ties to their friends are damaged, the friendship suffers. But for me I can't complain. My family is still a part of my life, albiet not the same as it once was. Sometimes they make me feel like an outsider, but at least they're still there. And my best friends were always "worldly". So, I managed.
My father knows why I left. He knows I am an "apostate" and isn't happy about it. Every now and then, he tries to get me to come back and we get into it, but for the most part we have an agreement not to discuss religion. And I've tried to respect their right to believe what they want and not try to change their minds - unless they start with me first. What sort of backs my dad down is telling him I do believe the Bible and try to live up to it. At least in his mind, I might still be saved if God at least sees that.
Overall, I had to hide a lot of things from them and pretend to be living the clean-cut JW lifestyle even though I wasn't anymore. Didn't want to say or do anything around them to send up a red flag. I've known people who faded, then were found out to be committing some DF offense. The JWs found them and DF'ed them. Sometimes it's the family that turns them in. So, no mentioning birthdays, holidays, etc. Not too much talk of girls I was dating, etc. To them I try to appear as though I'm living up to JW standards, just not one of them. Again, promoting that idea to them that there's hope I'll be saved anyway.
As for me, I now live out of state, which helps a lot. When they do see me, they tend to be glad and not push issues that might get us arguing. Whereas if I saw them all the time, they might try to turn me around. Living far away also gets pesky elders and servants off my back. My brother stayed in the same general area, though about 20 miles out of territory. He hasn't heard from them either. Though he was having some estimates done on his house and two of our old JW elders were the ones who showed up to do the estimating. No conflict though.
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Mulan
We faded 6 years ago, and so far aren't df'd or da'd.
I would say that most people know about our thinking, but as long as there is no formal announcement, our family still talks to us. We only have a very few who are still witnesses though. Most of the family eventually left to join us in our heresy.
Not all families are as strict either, so you need to decide what your family would do to you.
I definitely think the slow fade is the way to do it. You can lie to the elders and tell them you are going through a bad time, and need some space. I think most would respect that.
No one called on us, so we were able to do it pretty easily.