The JW Martyr Complex?

lisaBObeesa

Like my mother before me, I’m a martyr. I am almost unable to make a choice based on what is best for me. And of course this has over time made me a depressed, bitter person who, much to my horror, explodes with rage from time to time.

I know my mother was a martyr because of being a JW. We were taught day after day that what we want and how we feel does not matter. Only following the rules matters. Does you husband make you cry every day? Too bad, but you will have to suffer with a smile...for the rest of your life! Too tired to go to the meeting? Too bad, you will have to suffer and go! Want to go to school? Well, you could, but it would be so much better if you did not go to school and just took a crappy job. You would be a really good person if you did that! God would be so happy if you suffered just a bit more!

After all, suffering=being good, right? And we all want to be good…

And if for some reason you cannot be ‘doing your part’ in the ministry, then you had BETTER be suffering mightily in some other acceptable way. A good case of the plague is suffering enough to still be considered a good JW even while not making Saturday field service. (A lesser disease will draw raised eyebrows. ‘Is sister-so-and-so really suffering enough to make up for missing field service?’)

Is it any wonder the way some sisters complained of the latest illness and pain at every possible chance?

But the ultimate JW will manage to have the plague and still prepare for all the meetings, attend all the meetings with 4 kids in tow, and pioneer, all with an abusive mate! What suffering! What a GOOD JW!

I am just coming to terms with this part of my self, and I don’t feel very good about it right now. It affects every area of my life.

Are there others who struggle with this problem? Do you trace it to the JWs?

-LisaBObeesa

PS My mom is DF and knows how to take care of herself now. She isn't a martyr anymore. And I am learning. It took me a long time to get started because I didn't know I had a problem!

lisaBObeesa

Oh, crap! Am I being a martyr in that post while I am talking about being a martyr?? lol

Brummie

Oh, crap! Am I being a martyr in that post while I am talking about being a martyr?? lol

LOL. No your not, its a case of "he who endures the Watchtower shyte until the end will be saved". Its a great post, I think most people would have struggled with it, but chin up, it does get better and the Jwisms wear of and are replaced with a better outlook. Thanks Brummie

talesin

I am just coming to terms with this part of my self

good for you lisa!! it's a big part of the indoctrination. once i recognized that trait in myself, it didn't take long before i was being selfish (ie, taking care of myself) instead of self-absorbed. a friend once told me that i should stop taking care of others and then whining about it. at first, i thought he was being mean, but then i realized it was time to GET DOWN OFF THE CROSS!!

you're obviously well on your way out of this negative-thinking trap!!

i congratulate you. it takes a lot of courage to talk about this issue.

APPLAUSE!!!!

Latte

Lisa,

I know just what you mean…I saw it more in others than did it myself. Like the sister who managed to ‘only get’ a reproof for becoming pregnant out of wedlock, and as she was so grateful for Jah’s mercy,(lol) she endeavoured to get to EVERY meeting, ministry etc. whilst doing a fulltime job, although many times she was utterly exhausted, you could see that she needed more than anything ….to get some REST. Her subsequent children had to tow the line in all this martyrdom, it goes on to this day.

Like the sister who had only very recently undergone quite major surgery, just has to attend ALL of the assembly programme, through which she informed me- slept through most of it…..all that mattered was that she was THERE.

{{{{{{{{LisaBObeesa}}}}}}}}

I'm so glad that you are giving yourself a break these days. Focusing on ourself from time to time, is not so bad is it??

La Capra

Oh Yeah. The entire premise that JWs are persecuted because they are they only ones who really know the "true God" forces JWs to feel "righter" therefore "better" because of their suffering. The Martyr complex is a real condition and many people (not just Jws-but JWs really have a hard time shaking it) never realize how destructive it is to one's life and loved ones. I love it when I can briefly free my mother from her cross. Sometimes, when she starts to play the martyr, I step in and choose the selfish choice for her. She gets her heart's desire, but can blame me for it (see, she is still suffering). It sort of jumbles up the complexes. My dad thinks it's hysterical when I do this to her. Now if I can just abandon my own martyr complex, and quit blaming the conflict I suffered through when I chose to do all the things I wasn't supposed to have done in my formative years (like go to college). I call it martyrdom twice removed. But I catch myself not being honest with myself and others about what I do and don't want to do or have. "He should have known I would rather go to the seafood restaurant instead of the French restaurant....", but never telling him that. Oh brother. Shoshana

avengers

Man, can I relate to those feelings.
I felt like that too, but then several years ago.
It takes a while before all the WT crap is out of your head.
But you'll make it. You bet.

Andy.

Maverick

Great post! They blame it all on Satan or his system. The J-dud masters NEVER except any responsibility for any suffering their policies or work load cause. As a brother you do all that they ask, and NEVER turn down an assignment. If you ever tell them you do not wish to do something they have asked they will 'mark' you. I have taken a lot of management training courses. And in Steven Covey's Seven Healthful Habits of Highly Successful People he talked about not catching the ball. Just because a person tries to involve you in something, (throwing the ball) does not mean you have to take the task, (catch the ball). Covey teaches you how recognize when that is happening and how to break that habit. I started to do that with the Elders and they did not like it one bit! And guilt from the platform is a form of the ball being thrown! When that happen just duck! Maverick

blondie

The strange things is that the Greek word "martyr" means "witness."

The Greek word martyr simply means "witness." Christians use the term to describe someone who died as a witness to Christ.

The JWs are told to expect persecution and that any good JW must be persecuted. Jesus had something else in mind than the many self-caused, self-imposed troubles many JWs bring on themselves.

2 Timothy 3:12

12

In fact, all those desiring to live with godly devotion in association with Christ Jesus will also be persecuted.

John 15:20

20

Bear in mind the word I said to YOU, A slave is not greater than his master. If they have persecuted me, they will persecute YOU also; if they have observed my word, they will observe YOURS also.

Acts 14:22

22

strengthening the souls of the disciples, encouraging them to remain in the faith and [saying]: "We must enter into the kingdom of God through many tribulations."

John 15:19

19

If YOU were part of the world, the world would be fond of what is its own. Now because YOU are no part of the world, but I have chosen YOU out of the world, on this account the world hates YOU.

lisaBObeesa

Thanks for your replies and encouragement. I knew you all would know what I mean.

I have been out of the JWs for years, both mentally and physically. But I am just now realizing how much it has made me the person I am today. I have always tried to be ‘good,’ and to me that meant always putting myself last. And now at 34, I don’t feel so good. I’ve made myself sick with all the little resentments packed down inside.

My life was not based on the theology of the JWs, but it sure was based on the psychology of the JWs!

It all has to go! Time to unpack every last old resentment and then let them all go. Time to stop feeling guilty.

Time to BE ME.

-Lisa

The JW Martyr Complex?

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