The past several nights I have had very disturbing dreams that, while not the nightmares I used to have, still leave me feeling powerless and vulnerable. I feel like the other shoe will drop soon and I feel totally unprepared while just waiting for it to happen.
In one dream I witness my niece as a little girl back when she was first starting grade school. Since I have never known my nieces and nephews as teenagers, I tend to dream of them as they were when they were children. She and her older brother are waiting at the school bus stop. I am watching through the kitchen window. The car arrives to take her to her kindergarten class. Her brother continues to wait for the school bus. The car door opens for her, but the car only slows, it doesn't stop. She goes to get into the car when a neighbor boy jumps into the rolling car in front of her. This causes my niece to make a misjudgment getting into the car and she topples back out onto the roadway. I run out to the road, gather her in my arms, and run back to the house, but I can't figure out what to do next. Nobody else seems concerned about the hurt little girl in my arms. The phone isn't where it should be. I just run around with her in my arms hunting for a way to help her.
I guess I should also tell you that this is my niece who died last summer in a car crash.
In another dream, an xJW from a congregation I used to go to has been locked up in jail by the Watchtower and I am trying to find a way to help him. His wife is visiting him when I visit. I feel guilty that I didn't find a way to help him. I tried raising some money to bail him out, but it wasn't enough. While I was busy raising money, I missed yesterday's visiting hours and I felt guilty. Several people from my old congregation were there. Some were there to gloat. Another was there to offer support, because, in my dream, he was secretly an apostate too. My brothers, who were his friends, didn't seem to care that their former friend was locked up. I am running around trying to find things that I can sell to raise his bail. I am angry that the police do nothing but follow the Watchtower's orders. They are so fooled by them.
In a third dream, Simon's website plays a prominent role. I am in my aunt's house and I find out that she has been to this site. I don't know if she is secretly an apostate or just trying to find out stuff about me. I don't know how to confront her. Her husband, and elder, and her son, another elder come in and try to harass me. I don't know what to do because 1. I don't want to bring attention upon my aunt who may be apostate, 2. I don't want to hurt members of my own family even if it is to defend myself, 3. I don't know what they know or how they might use it against me next. I try to just leave, but I also want to warn them that an approaching train will derail and some of the boxcars will come crashing into their house. They will want to know how I know that, but I don't want to reveal that I saw it on this site because 1. I don't want to bring attention upon my aunt who may be apostate, 2. I don't think they will believe it if it comes from this site. I make it out of the house, but want to go back in to get them. Time is running out and I have to leave soon if I am to escape the disaster, but I want to try to save them too. Then the dream ends.
So you see, they are just dreams, but the feelings I have when I wake up from them just won't go away. I feel very depressed and a have this sense of foreboding that something bad will happen, and I will be powerless to stop it or fix it. I hope that writing about these feelings and posting it here will help.
Tammy