I was going to post my personal story, but right now it feels good just to know that I'm truly not alone...
What an incredible bulletin board... using the search feature I just finished a week of reading up on alcholism, codependency, abuse, personal testimonies (and very empathetic replies), BPD, dysfunctional family systems, oh, JW's and their male-dominate, bride-selling, hypocritical policies brain-washing techniques.
2 1/2 years ago, at the age of 39... a lady friend at work suggested I read up on codependency... I had no idea what she was talking about, and remember thinking "I don't have problems, look at you... your a mess". Anyway, I knew I didn't feel OK and decided to read a book. I had just finished college and had some free time to fill...
Denial is absolutely wonderful... Kept me safe for quite a few years. How deep was my denial... I will tell you a little about myself, so that I can laugh at how deep my river ran... I am a computer programmer by trade, started developing web sites in 1992, and have run bulletin boards and such since 1986... No big revelation here, till you consider that I took college courses on line, researched litarature, published papers about the WWW and BOTS (those cool search engine heuristics that try to figure you out and give you the right pop-up), and all kinds of other stuff (artists, poetry, wicca, UU, oh, remember Amazon.com as a startup company?). Funny , now that I think back, that at no time did I ever wander, consider, stumble upon, or even think that there might be some help available with all this information floating around. I DIDN'T NEED HELP ! I JUST WANTED TO LIVE ! Still waters run deep !
Over the past 2 1/2 years I have collected quite a library of self-help and therapy books. All I can say is, I must not have been ready and/or I needed to work through a lot of core issues very, very slowly... Yeah, thats more like it... GOD (if I can use that kind of language here ) what a painful 2 years.
At the beginning of this journey, I was married to an wonderful, beautiful, charming, and supportive woman that could drink any guy I knew under the table and crawl (or be carried) to bed (on the nights we didn't fight)... Awe.. the discovery of mixed emotions... Awe... the discovery of codependency...
I am now divorced, and although my ex was very much against the divorce, I was determined to find a way out of my role...
My ex has been clean for a year now, in hopes that I would stop the divorce... unfortunately... too many promises, too many times... only time will tell how this story ends, but I have my own healing to do, she has hers.... so on and so on... She is still wonderful, beautiful, charming and supportive and I hope that we continue to support each other in our healing and the support of our 3 children.
Im getting to my point... I read the books and started understanding, started making changes, started feeling different, and then WHAM ! I cried for the 1st time in my adult life (and then cried and cried and cried on and off for a year or so). I had some greiving to do. It was hard to do alone, but I knew I had to. So here I am, working through all these "issues" and still feeling something pulling at me... I started reading on the web every chance I got on wicca, mormon, UU, paganism, and any other place link upon link would take me. I did that for 6 months, during the final phases of my divorce. Coincidently (actually, I don't believe in coincidences) I found this sight less than 2 weeks after my divorce was final and I could pull myself together long enough to ask "Now what?" Any sooner, I don't think I could have handled what I am reading on this board and through "quotes"... I re-read everything posted that would have been published and/or taught while I was growing up. What a relief to FINALLY confirm some of the things stuck in my head. Things that everyone else conveniently forgot or said I misunderstood... And if I hadn't read all the emotional blackmail books prior to this and learned how to trust my own feelings, I don't think I could process all this... It is truly gut-wrenching... **another wave of anger and tears coming my way ** (d*mn... oh well, I will come out of this FINALLY feeling my own feelings, trusting myself, having fun, being imperfect, and well, hopefully fitting in somewhere)...
I see a number of posters from over 2 years ago are still here... (I was curious what I would have read during the time I was off on my own).
I will continue to cruise through the archives for a while. I am dying to learn how others view all the same issues I have been working through.
THANKS SIMON !!!
And many thanks to others, such as,
Lady Lee... what an incredible writer ! (and delicate with your style)
Big Tex... no comment required... but you must live in heaven...
Jesika... out of the mouth of babes
COMF... and many, many more but these stuck with me right now...
Thanks jgnat for pointing me in a direction.
gambit