I need some advice

by freein89 10 Replies latest jw friends

  • freein89
    freein89

    I am 47 and my parents are 73 and 78. My mom is such a hateful woman, out of 6 kids, I am the only one that even bothers with them, I call every week and have visited them often in Arizona (I live in Wisconsin) Anyway I recently had an argument with my Mom. She insists on using the "N" word and my step-granddaughter is of mixed race. Even before that I hated that word. I have gently told Mom how bad I feel when she uses that word and she always finds a way to use it. I finallly blew up, after years of stuffing my feelings.

    I feel bad because my folks are old people, and I don't want to be mean, but dammit I can't take this crap anymore. Mom is a hypochondriac - big time, and she had another one of her famous "heart attacks" and implied it was my fault for upsetting her. She has cried wolf too many times and I don't believe her. What do you do with old people, do you pussyfoot around just because they are old? I am their only contact with anyone, they have no friends, not one relative even speaks to them. I don't want to abandon them in their old age, but how much can I take.

    This is only the tip of the iceburg there is so much more, I don't know how to handle it. Please, advice needed.

    Deb

  • cat1759
    cat1759

    Deb,

    I am taking the N word to mean something really derogatory.

    If so I would explain what that word actually means and that she and her husband could be considered this.

    3 : a member of a socially disadvantaged class of persons <it's time for somebody to lead all of America's niggers… all the people who feel left out of the political process.

    So she should not use this word as it really demeans her status in life. Unless of course she votes. You don't have to tell her the second part. People her age are socially disadvantaged as she only has you that actually cares about her.

    So sorry to hear someone can actually continue using this word. It might shock her into some thinking. Although she is doing some major judging.

    Cathy

  • lawrence
    lawrence

    I live in central Florida, have lived in Virginia for years, and other spots in Florida where the use of the 'N' word is still considered acceptable dialogue by Bubba and Bubbarette, as well as black on black horsing around and argumentative dialogue (truly a shame). I took care of my folks until they passed over (both in their 80's) and I tried to overlook all of their idiosyncratic behavior, though often spoke my mind and preferences. Seeing "they have no one else" you are who they have - love covers a multitude of sins, just keep on loving them regardless, and in that comes the reward of learning true agape. When they pass over, there'll be no need for words like "I wish", "if only", "I regret." Love is the greatest gift one can share in this world. Keep on loving them and share the fruitages of the Spirit with them. I know it's tough, but you'll reap the rewards as well.

  • blondie
    blondie

    Freein89, I have suggestions. First, read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward

    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0553381407/ref=ase_onthewebcom-20/104-1663714-0209545?v=glance&s=books

    Then decided how you are going to protect yourself and your daughter (and any other immediate family members).

    Your parents will find someone to help them.

    You need to save yourself.

    Blondie

  • Mary
    Mary
    She insists on using the "N" word and my step-granddaughter is of mixed race.

    That is the height or rudeness on her part. Your mother sounds eerily like my one grandmother who died years ago; she was rude, self-centered and selfish to the tenth degree. No one liked her; she could have played the Wicked Witch of the West without learning any new lines.

    From what you've described, I would assume that the reason no one wants to have anything to do with her is because of her bad attitude on life in general. Faking a heart attack or a stroke and then blaming you for it? Yep, she's got problems. Using the term "n*gger" is bad enough; using it when your step granddaughter is (presumably) part black is just unbelievable.

    I understand that you don't want to abandon them because they're old but I would be having a frank talk with her about her attitude. If she doesn't like it---tough. She doesn't seem too shy about speaking her own mind, so she should be willing to hear it from others. I wouldn't take your step grandaughter to visit at all seeing as she seems to have such a hard time with black people. If it were me, I'd probably have nothing more to do with her as I lived with someone like that years ago. However, no one can make that decision except you.

    Good luck.

  • drwtsn32
    drwtsn32

    freein89, your mom sounds a lot like Lois' mom on "Malcom in the Middle"...

  • rockon
    rockon

    Deb, I am probably the wrong one to give advice on mothers. You sound like you have a lot of issues as I have with my mom. People still use the word here. In some cases the black humans use it more than other humans. Just like it shows in movies. It sounds like she is using the word to push your buttons, maybe when she uses the n word you could use the f word or the s word. If you don't know what these words are, fake it.

    Rockon

  • garybuss
    garybuss


    Many older parents seem to believe that respect as a parents is something owed to them rather something they earn. They need to be taught that to get respect, one needs to behave respectably. I guess I'd come up with a rewards and punishment system that they can understand, then teach it to them and then follow through. It's not unlike a child behavior training exercise.

    1. Tell the mother that her use of racial slurs are insulting to you.
    2. Give her a warning.
    3. Explain the reward.
    4. Explain the punishment.
    5. Follow through.

    Possible example: "The next time you use that term I will not call you or accept your calls for one month. If you choose acceptable speech, you are welcome to call any time. It's totally up to you." If she uses it again, hang up. If you are at her home and she uses it, get up and leave.

    Just like a child, sitting in the bad corner.

    Sounds like your step daughter has a great step mom. Hope you are having a great summer. GaryB


  • cruzanheart
    cruzanheart

    Wow, Deb, that really hit home with me! My mother was like that as well -- not terribly racist but fierce and angry and hypochondriac. She was an expert with guilt trips and demanded everything her way. Finally I just had to stand up to her, set boundaries (over and over and over again) and stick to my principles of how I wished to be treated.

    Then she got Alzheimer's and, believe it or not, all the anger disappeared and we're left with a cheerful, sweet old lady who loves everybody! Amazing. She didn't get sweet, though, until she'd been in the nursing home for a month -- before she went in she was enormously angry about everything, and I think it's because she knew she was losing control and she didn't want to give it up.

    As for the racist thing, I had to chuckle because, when Mom was just descending into Alzheimer's I had occasion to drive her somewhere. She was ranting and raving about some nonsense or another, and then suddenly said: "But all those darkies down in our congregation were the NICEST people!" I almost crashed the car! However, Mom was born in Richmond, Virginia in 1917, saw Confederate veterans when she was little, and just absorbed the culture in which she lived. Most of her life was spent in and around New York City, but as her mind was leaving her she obviously turned to her early childhood.

    Good luck with your Mom -- it's hard to keep up the boundaries but read some of the recommended books and it will help firm your resolve to protect yourself.

    Love,

    Nina

  • freein89
    freein89

    I am appreciating the advice, I am so ahamed of my messed up family and it helps to know I am not alone. In our family the biggest insult you can throw is "oh you're just like mom." As far as love covering a multitude of sins, I have been covering the sins of my parents for my entire life, it gets old and never seems to help. When I was about 11, my Mom was mad as us kids, and she said to me, "I am going to go kill myself, I just can't take you kids anymore" She got in her car and drove off. She came back hours later and I was waiting on the sidewalk, with tears streaming down my face, I thought she had killed herself and it was my fault. She got out of her car and said "whats the matter, why are you crying?" I said "I thought you killed yourself, you said you were going to kill yourself, I'm sorry I was bad" I was sobbing, and she just went in the house with a smirk on her face. Not another word was said.

Share this

Google+
Pinterest
Reddit