I'm so confused, help?

by Ponyo 38 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Incognito

  I have been beating myself up a bit with the other replies.
  

  This is part of the problem. You continue to place too much importance on what others think and tell you to do, allowing them to control you.

  Everyone here is a faceless stranger at the end of a keyboard. We all have an opinion, and like it or not, not everyone is going to tell you what you want to hear. Even if harsh, there is probably something useful in what was said by each. Keep what is useful and discard the rest, not only here but everywhere else throughout life.

  You have permitted your mother and others in the congregation to control who you date and marry and other aspects of your life, even after becoming an adult when you should be making those decisions for yourself. Your mother, congregation or forum members are not going to live with the consequences to those decisions, only you will, often for the remainder of your life.

  You need to decide when enough is enough and start taking control and making your own decisions. Of course, the family you were involved in creating, also need to be considered. Although easier said than done, these are things which could be discussed with a therapist to obtain unbiased support and suggestions.

  Suggest also reading Susan Forward's book: Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

  The issues considered may be applied to all relationships not only to parents.
• 

  Ponyo

  Thanks guys. This really helps me. I’m trying to take my time with this and realise I’m on a journey different to any other I’ve been on in my life and it can’t be rushed.

  You know after a couple of weeks of researching and reading COC and then re-reading my post, I realise my upbringing wasn’t so great after all ☹️ I’ve just been severely brainwashed.

  My mum not once in my life has told me to ‘trust yourself’ ‘believe in yourself’ ‘you’ve got this’ ‘you can do whatever you set your mind to’ ‘be confident in your abilites’

  no...., always been, ‘rely on jehovah, don’t rely on yourself’ ‘the heart is treacherous, don’t trust it’, ‘pray and jehovah will work it out to you’ ‘don’t trust yourself to make good decisions’

  well... I never knew how to do that. How do I rely on God to make these choices for me? 😞

  I’m starting to realise now just how brainwashed I was ... or am.

  I now know why I always felt guilt my whole life and always in fear of making the wrong choice for displeasing God or displeasing man. I don’t want to raise my kids this way. I wish I had backed myself more and had some back bone with the things I wanted for myself.

  I’m in a real predicament. If I stay with my husband, I will be unhappy, I’ll be okay.. but I’ll be unhappy and I’ll have a hole in my life and soul and the other aspect is if I leave the org, we will have conflict raising the kids unless I can get him to see ttatt.

  On the other hand, if I leave to be with someone else, I choose a worldly life, most likely be DF, lose a lot of my family and friends but the real heart breaker for me is the kids will be far from their dad and he will be far from then, for a while anyway, until I can get on my feet to support myself and hubby would move close to his kids he says (yes we have had big talks about all this)

  thank you for your comments, they do help a lot. I’m starting counselling next week, and luckily I’ve made one or two amazing worldly friends over the years who will be there for me.

  Much love 🙏🏻
• 

  Ponyo

  Incognito - yes thank you. You are right, I have made most of the choices in my life because of others. Time to start making them for myself, and maybe time to follow my heart for once in my life. But I’m gonna need counselling for a while and some serious thinking. This may be a long journey for me but I’m gonna trust in it and trust that everything will be okay.

  Thanks for for the links too guys I’ll check them out 🙏🏻

  P.s how does everyone do the yellow highlighted link?
• 

  Ponyo

  Thanks for that video link Deegee. That was a good watch
• 

  smiddy3

  I'm 28, I have two beautiful young kids. An 18 month old and a 3 month old. I'm married to a really great guy, And I'm very confused

  And you want to blow all that away on a fantasy ?

  Maybe you should never have got married in the first place

  And most certainly not have had two children to your husband .

  How do you think he would feel if he was able to read your post.?

  Maybe he would be far better off without you .

  And if you dumped him for your fantasy boyfriend ?

  And what ripples all that would send about your immediate family ,your parents his parents your children and all those close to both you and your husband.?

  Think of the consequences and their are always consequences
  
  
• 

  Ruby456

  Sounds like Leo is part of your fantasy. Be prepared for a bombshell of disappointment when you give up all that u cherish for him. Take baby steps to sort out your feelings and

  I,d suggest getting some couple,s counselling.
• 

  Ponyo

  “And you want to blow all that away on a fantasy ?

  Maybe you should never have got married in the first place

  And most certainly not have had two children to your husband .

  How do you think he would feel if he was able to read your post.?

  Maybe he would be far better off without you .

  And if you dumped him for your fantasy boyfriend ?

  And what ripples all that would send about your immediate family ,your parents his parents your children and all those close to both you and your husband.?

  Think of the consequences and their are always consequences”

  of course there are consequences. Of course i shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. Of course I shouldn’t have had children, they werent planned; or course my husband is better off without me.

  What if he read this post?

  Well I’ve already talked to him about my feelings.

  obviously i wouldnt be talking about it if I was happy. The fact is. I’m not happy, I don’t feel any chemistry. I never want to kiss him, I feel nothing. I feel Numb. I settled and married him for the wrong reasons obviously and I need to deal with it.

  im not stupid, I know this is selfish. I know I made a mistake. I’m just now realising what a huge mistake it was and how this affects someone else so hugely as well.

  anyway thanks for replying. Yes I’m getting counselling.
• 

  Ruby456

  sorry to be so harsh ponyo. This kept sticking in my mind from your OP

  so I'm 28, I have two beautiful young kids. An 18 month old and a 3 month old. I'm married to a really great guy, And I'm very confused
  

  the thing is with such young children around a marriage can feel like it has no chemistry and such like. that's why I recommended couple's counselling. From what I have seen marriages go through good times and bad times and the good times are well worth working through the bad times especially in view of the above from your OP.
• 

  Ponyo

  Thanks ruby456 it’s definirely worth a try.

  Deep down though I know we never had chemistry, or I never felt it with him. I ignored it or I guess I hoped it would grow.

  I start counselling in a couple of days so might start couples counselling after that.