Really struggling to go on

by Isambard Crater 34 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Isambard Crater

  So, so much has happened in my life over the years and continues to happen, but I won't go into the details as it would take a long time.

  I don't really know why, but I returned to "The Truth" 15 years ago. In 2012 when the TV broadcasting station launched, I started to develop doubts. The Australian Royal Commission and other scandals made me angrier, and I now don't believe most of the core teachings.

  The only reason I show up at 5 or 6 meetings each month is to keep in contact with my parents and a few other family members.

  But it's killing me, literally. I ache all over. I'm severely depressed and hugely anxious with little confidence, so much that I stay in the house most of the time.

  I take the subway to the Kingdom Hall and have many times wanted to jump in front of a train.

  I know there are hundreds, maybe thousands of PIMO (physically in, mentally out) people out there and on this forum, but unlike many of them, I don't feel I can go on.

  I try to think about other stuff, but from the second I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, the back of my mind, heart and muscular system is thinking about the organisation. I can't express my anger, doubts or sadness to family, and the only other PIMO JW I know in person lives 50 miles away and she usually is too nervous to talk about her own doubts.

  I guess my husband and I being blackmailed by his parents (not J.W's) doesn't help, and there's loads of other crap going on in my life. The elders and J.W's in general don't recognise depression that isn't cured by prayer and study. It scares me, and means I can't use depression as an excuse, or I don't feel that I can.

  The future feels very dark and I can't do this for another 20 years!
• 

  Witness My Fury

  Then dont. Stop going and live free from the cult bullshit that is poisoning your life. You can avoid DF and DA and just fade to maintain contact with family and you have the sadly perfect reason, depression.

  Killing yourself is a very permanent fix for temporary problems and dealing with the underlying causes of these feelings would be the way forward. If this is ongoing then seek professional help for it instead of suffering in isolation. Getting back some control over your life instead of being a passenger on an unwanted journey completely changes your outlook.
• 

  dubstepped

  Listen to my podcast ThisJWLife and maybe you'll feel less alone. Reach out to others here like you're doing. Start making friends outside the cult. Maybe find a therapist in person or online to talk to. And do all of this as preparation to leave the cult for good.

  Let it go. You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run. Yes, I just mashed up two songs, but the point stands.

  Your options are, as you presented, to leave this earth or leave the cult. Leave the damn cult and go live life. The choice is obvious. Start preparing and let go of the things you're holding onto so strongly that they're taking you down with them. You will feel so free if you do.

  (((hugs)))
• 

  Isambard Crater

  The good news is I have more true friends outside the Org than in it, and I have sought professional help, but they all say leave the cult immediately. Losing my parents is holding me back, though, as I just find it so hard to imagine, even though they've told me to my face over the years that they would choose JW over me.

  Any tips on stopping JW guilt and frustration thoughts coming into my head 18/7 when I'm awake?
• 

  ttdtt

  Its very very hard. You are dammed if you do and if you don't.

  There are always unintended consequences no matter what path you take.

  Just know many of us know what you are going through.

  We are here to support you in the small ways we can.
• 

  steve2

  If you are experiencing strong suicidal thoughts and worsening depressive symptoms you really, really need to contact your local community mental health service so you can get appropriate help. I worry that you are conveying your suicidal thoughts through this forum and leaving posters in a difficult position. I take you seriously and at the same time want you to either refer yourself or be referred via your medical doctor to your local community mental health service. Their services are usually at no cost and they will help you identify your treatment needs whether a medication review or therapy to help you address your problems. Best! Steve
• 

  dubstepped

  The best way to stop the JW guilt thoughts is to get away from the cult. Meetings pump your head full of those thoughts and feelings.

  You can make it all go away today. Well, not all, but a lot of it. Stop going. Accept your fate. Realize that your parents are toxic cult victims and let them go. If they are the only reason you're in, then maybe you need to come to terms with the fact that their love is conditional.

  You can't have everything. Trying to is ultimately leaving you with nothing. You know you have to leave the cult. When are you going to do it for yourself? Only you can answer that. The sooner you do, at least by fading, the sooner you regain sanity. You can't find a way to live an unhealthy life and be healthy though.
• 

  redvip2000

  Time for a "F*ck you all" moment.

  Really... when you put it in perspective, what is this thing of bending yourself backwards to please others, if it's hurting you?

  Isn't it time for you to turn to all of these toxic people in your live, lift up the two middle fingers in both hands and say "you know what? go f*ck yourselves".

  What have you got to lose, when you are already at the point to to think your life is not worth it?
• 

  Crazyguy

  Reduce your meeting attendance asap. I know it maybe hard to stop altogether especially if family finds out but you should be able to go a lot less with out to much blowback.
• 

  Half banana

  First of all cyber hugs to you Isambard Crater. The cult leaders deliberately make it so very difficult to leave.

  The issue you are discussing is your mental health and all is not lost. The first thing is to recognize just how important it is that you now have the knowledge that

  1/ JWs are not all they are cracked up to be

  2/ there is a real and good world outside of the JW org and in fact you have already found friends who are not religious zombies-- and that is a very good start.

  The problem lies with your parents with their brainwashed thinking and their relationship with you.

  Since the most important thing is your own well-being and not that of your parents however much you love them, may I suggest that you only do the things which give you back YOUR freedom to live the life YOU choose. This is not selfish, it is your birthright which the JW organisation has stolen from you.

  Stop going to the meetings-- they only prolong the agony.

  Tell your parents that you love them but not the JW organisation.

  It's not all hopeless, many if not most of us here have been through it and we'll support you!