Reminders of an abuser (page 4)

waiting

yo sweetpea.................

You're sitaution reminds me a lot of Larc's wife, Zazu. She's a remarkable woman with a slightly off-center sense of humor. If you're not emailing with her - please do. She's fun to be around, but knows her situation is still serious, but improving, after her stroke.

Mommie Dark also has major problems, and freely speaks about them. We don't get along, but other people seem to like her a lot. Perhaps The Clash of Weird Women, eh? And I am joking, if someone points this out to her. (she doesn't like me....yet another one!) But she's a remarkable woman in many ways.

In other words, there are others here (or there) who have similiar problems. Perhaps a chat group could form?

(giggle) DID people tried that.....but we think all the others are weird. (and NOW I am joking!)

I haven't looked up the other thread I brought up yesterday (memory) - did you find it? Did you watch Antwon Fisher (or Fischer)? I think you'd like it.

Btw, have you seen the movie Momemto (can rent it)? We spent lot of time on it in psych class. Also the books The Alienist and The Angel of Darkness (Caleb Cabb). My psych prof. recommended them - about the first psychologists and serial killers. Novels - but really good. I read them several years ago.

Love - waiting

Big Tex

I feel torn. Other people might need the parking spot more than me but I know once the pain kicks in I can hardly stand the pain is so bad.

And that's why people like me don't mind walking the extra 20 feet. USE IT. You clearly need it and that's what they are there for. Give yourself permission to need. It's okay. You are dealing with a lot of issues right now, the biopsy being the biggest. Sometimes it helps just to verbalize (through posts) what's going on and how you feel about what's going on.

When I first started posting I used this board as a catharsis. I started posting some of the darkest and deepest memories and feelings. I figured since it was so big, no one would read it. On top of which, no one ever replied, so I was convinced no one was reading my crap. In October of last year I attended my first apostafest and found out, much to my surprise and a little embarassment, that people were reading what posted. OMG!!!

I know sometimes you need validation Lee, and I am one of many here who can give what I can to you. But sometimes it helps just to type it, or say it out loud. It helps me during my dark moments to just type in a stream of consciousness and say the first thing that comes out, no matter how dark it is. And, for me, something magical happens when I see it on the computer screen. It somehow makes it more real, more tangible. If that makes sense.

I don't know if this will do the same for you or not, but I just wanted to pass along my own way of helping myself. Lee, you're dealing with a lot right now, and I just want you to know there are a lot of people who care. They may not know what to say, or they may be too afraid to post something, but they're here with you just as I am. It'll be okay. I don't know how, but things will be okay.

Chris

Lady Lee

waiting -

Well I am reaching out - a really big thing for me. For me just reaching out and getting some support from all of you is huge.

I will look for some of those movies - thanks - I found the thread and BT and I are in there yakking it up again

BT

Sir you have a way to bring up those feelings. I read your post and one thing came to mind

I want my mommy

silly for a 51 yr old and especially with the mommy I got. Maybe I ought to change that to

I want a mommy

Craig you would make a great mommy LOL

see I still have my whacked sense of humor. It has carried me through a lot in life so expect the weird side of me to start coming out.

waiting

Hey Lee,

My sister had the most interesting observation about my younger brother & me, while my mother was still alive. My sister seems to have survived our family the most unscathed in many ways. Perhaps because she was the oldest, perhaps just timing. Anyway, she seems to be able to put our parents into perspective better than myself.

She lived near my mother for years.....and didn't care for her all that much. Quite respectful, etc., but definitely no "mommy" thing going on. On the other hand, my younger brother & I tried to dote on my mother, gave her gifts, called her, etc., etc. I knew she'd respond to me if I sent her gifts. Much like a grandparent does with a spoiled grandchild. Buy affection. It was a fine arrangement for me - I really didn't have to deal with her (as she was a brittle, self-centered, constanting bitching, woman) like my sister did. I just bought her when I wanted.

But in reality, I wanted her to notice me. And she never did - except when she received gifts. Same with my brother's affection for her.

Back to my sister's observation: She couldn't understand my brother & my wanting our mother's attention. She then said, "Well, if I had been distanced from her as you two were, I'd probably try to get closer too." It just stopped me. I never had her, and in a way, I could buy her attention as an adult....but not have to deal with her.

We both lost in the deal. Reality is.........I'm better off without her.

You're a fine person all by yourself. You raised yourself, your children. You are your mother and deserve your praise and affection. Tex ain't bad either......definitely not a mother figure with those legs.

waiting

wasasister

I know this will sound cliche or perhaps condecending, but sometimes great beauty is born out of great pain. Some of the most sublime works of art and music have come from tortured souls.

I only know a little of your life's story, but felt your pain in reading your lyrical post. It was amazingly written, wrenching, vivid, visceral...

Your body may be falling apart, but from my perspective, your mind is most certainly sound.

Hugs, Wasa

LDH

A hug for Lady, and for all those not brave enough to post their similar experiences.

Waiting, that is a real hoot that Patio is a militant political person! What a riot. Next she'll be in Sac-town lobbying elected officials.

(((((((((((All of you))))))))))))))

Lisa

Lady Lee

waiting - believe me it was a momentary lapse - one of those primal moments that better sense smacks me for. LOL

My mother only noticed me when I made her look good (being married to an elder) or took care of her. Otherwise I was useless to her. Not a job I want anymore. Believe me I understand this lesson.

wasa - thanks so much. I think one of the reasons I resist meds so much is because they cloud the mind. And I like my mind just the way it is.

Lisa - Thanks PS: I posted an answer to you in the memory thread and the thread got corrupted so it is probably lost now - drat

Well I am off to the vascular medicine dept of the hospital today for tests on my very tender tooties. Lord knows what they will be doing to me. Am planning to use the wheelchair to wander the hospital since I have never been there and have no idea where I am going - so won't risk the pain and not being able to get back to the front door. - and hey if they don't have enough wheelchairs then too bad. LOL

waiting

Hey Lee

Have a good day - you'll be among other with predicaments too, so maybe explore, and take a book along too?

Take care - and keep us posted!

Hey Lisa,

Yeah, my sister, the political activist. She's having a ball - just exploring, reading, MARCHING in a 4th of July parade (civil liberties group), joining some guy's political campaign, -------and learning. What a change, eh?

waiting

Lady Lee

went to the hospital for the tests for circulation problems. I thought it was a waste of time but the dr wanted it checked. Everything is OK so we know it isn't circulation. Next stop will be a neurologist I think. We might get more info here.

Although if they were like the idiots in Montreal several years ago they will put it down to me being a nutcase. Maybe if they had taken this more seriously several years ago I wouldn't be in so much pain now.

BTW I used a wheelchair in the hospital. I had to walk halfway through the hospital to get one but once I got it I used it. Good thing too because I had to go through this maze of hallways around all sorts of construction and detours. Not one twitch of guilt either - was kinda fun and I didn't run anyone over - not even a dent in the wall

Special K

Hi ladylee

I have sent you a pm.

Reminders of an abuser

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