HELP!! Just Woken Up - Fanatical Mom wants to report me

Scarlett_Martin

Hello,

I've just been introduced to this site by a PIMO friend of mine. This will be my first post on this website. I need help, and he told me you guys are a very supportive community.

I'm a female in my mid twenties. I have a college degree have a job, but live with my parents. Mom is an utterly devout JW. I've recently woken up. I've been a member of this cult since I was born. Finally, throughout a life of worship and feeling bad about myself for the first time I connected the dots. The child abuse cases is what made me woke up. Now, I can see it all, the toxic doctrines, abusive and conditional relationships, people dying for refusing blood transfusions (something I could never understand).

Throughout my live I've never felt good about the organization but I would try to suppress those feelings and I would feel belittled since the people on meetings and the magazines would tell me that I should always try harder and have even more faith in Jehovah and that the end would come.

Basically, I have woken up all of the sudden within a month time span. I know it's all bullshit now and I don't know how to deal with it.

I'm feeling revolted. I'm tired of this charade. I feel like I have been tricked into a cult (and I actually was). But I had no choice since I was a born-in.

I don't know what to do. I live with my parents (mother is right now even more fanatical with the whole covid-19 thing) and hold a steady job.

For the last few days I couldn't hold it anymore, after missing 4 meetings in a row and I told my mom everything. The child abuse, blood doctrine, false prophecies, donations being spent in Anthony Morris's booze. I thought that, that would help her wake up as well. How wrong I was.

Now she made me an ultimatum. I either go to the elders or she reports me herself.

I don't want to go to the elders, I want this to end.

I know I played my cards wrong but I feel utterly disguted with this organization that controlled my life and made me a misfit in the world (I don't know how to live in the world by myself!)

Please help me! What should I do????

I'm panicking, having suicidal thoughts and feel like nobody can help me, even though I have two PIMO friends.

Help me please.

Scarlett

PS: My mom is threatening to kick me from home and I don't know how to live by myself :((

Overrated

I would get help with those suicidal thoughts. Your eyes are opened to the cult. You need to breathe. Do you have friends that can help you out? I was kicked out too. You need alot of help and planning. Do you have relatives that you can live with who are not in the cult? Your life seems scary right now but you will pull thru. We all have been there. Stay away from those elders, they will make things worst.

hybridous

Glad you came here for some help. This is a nice group with lots of experience.

Let's start here: what do you want the outcome of your life to be?

You have (perhaps) 2 courses of action...

1. Meet w elders. Deny, deny, deny. Claim spiritual weakness. Claim to be LOYAL to the ORG. Say what you need to say to preserve your standing in the congregation, thereby retaining your relationships within (for now...). If you choose this, you know will have to orchestrate a long fade....

2. Make your stand. Lose everything.

This life can be a wonderful thing. Especially once you are able to fully embrace it, without the WT shackling your mind. Don't give up on yourself - and I promise you, your very BEST days are still IN FRONT of you. You (like me) were born into a bad situation. It's a hell of a thing to wrap your mind around. But the flip side is that a tough WT childhood can serve to provide useful perspectives on the value of living a free, and enriching life.

You didn't mention your father in all of this. Does he have a role to play?

Cadellin

First of all, stop beating yourself up. You are having NORMAL feelings to an ABNORMAL situation. You are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you. Your range of feelings right now are totally NORMAL and they will, eventually, pass. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Get help there, seriously. DO NOT take such drastic action. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

You haven't actually done anything wrong at this point, certainly nothing worthy of judicial action. Having doubts is not a disfellowshipping offence. If elders want to talk, you can then play the "Oh, no, she misunderstood me," and "I am dealing with depression" card. That will probably not lead to judicial action, especially if you say that you're taking it to Jehovah in prayer and you want to do the right thing, etc. etc. That will keep a roof over your head and buy you time to figure out where to go.

Let me add--there is no wrong way to leave a cult. I think Steven Hassan said that and it brought me enormous comfort when I was going through your situation. And you're young--you have your whole life in front of you, free from all of the false hopes that would otherwise drag you down.

Biahi

Get any thought of suicide out of your head, it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Have you saved any money? Do you have a car? You are very lucky that you have a college degree. Where do you live now? US, Europe, or elsewhere? Depending on where you live, resources to help you are available. Give us more info, don’t “out” yourself, though.

Scarlett_Martin

Overrated

I do not have worldly friends, because every friendship that I could ever had I avoided it due to the indoctrination.

I only have two true friends who are currently PIMO. I have a relationship with the one that introduced me to the website, nobody in the congregation knows though. He has the means to live by himself. The problem is that I don't want to live with a person without marrying, it still is confusing to me because it goes against what I have been taught my whole life.

I don't have any relatives.

How do I stay away from the elders? My mom wants to report me to them and she probably will. I don't want to talk to them. But this cult is very intrusive, one day I might come from home and they might be expecting me, I'm getting very anxious.

Scarlett_Martin

hybridous

I want to get out of the cult, but I have not figured out, how to do it. I can't live inside this wretched organization anymore. I felt controlled all my life.
I don't wanna lose my mother, she's getting evermore fanatical by the day, but I don't want to lose her. She means the world to me. But I want to leave this cult, and help her leave as well.
I just feel that I cannot live these lies anymore, I feel revolted and want to get out as soon as possible. I know this might seem contraditory with what I have said above about my mother.
1) Fading seems like the most intelligent option. I don't care for the people that are PIMI in the congregation anymore, I see them for what they are now, either misguided fools (like I was) or hateful bigots that think they are above anyone else. The only people I want to maintain a relationship is my mother, I can't afford to lose her. But like I said above, I feel like I can't take anymore.
2) This is what I really want, end it all. But living under my mother's wing seems impossible. Because I might lose her if I disfellowship myself and get kicked out of my home. I don't have a job that can pay the bills, it is enough to survive but not to live in my own.
My father never studied, but because of this pandemic he started studying and going to basically every meeting because the fear of the end of the world kicked out on him.
My friends have told me to put on a mask and pretend I love the meets and the org, but the thing is I feel like I can't take this anymore. This is awful.

Scarlett_Martin

Cadellin

Thank you for your kind words.
The truth is, I don't have doubts, I know the truth about the truth now.I've read "apostate" material which I think is a disfellowshiping offense. I don't have doubts, by the contrary, I know its all bullshit, lies lies and lies.
I spend all my days now, reading jwfacts and watching youtube videos about TTATT.I feel like I need time to figure what to do next, because I don't know the world, I don't know what it holds for me, I don't know how to inhabit it, if it makes any sense.
I don't know who to trust anymore, I don't know what to do, but keeping to research the lies and trying to enter into a better state of mind :(
The thing is, I felt like I've wasted my whole life

Scarlett_Martin

Biahi

I have an average paying job, but I don't know if it is enough to pay the bills because I have been dependent my whole life. Not only that but I don't know how to live by my own, in the world that watchtower continually scared me about in their hateful literature. I do have a car. I'm european.

Vanderhoven7

You told your mom the truth so the cat is out of the bag. That was rash but understandable.

Now mom is forcing you to deal with the consequences. Is your dad in the picture? If he is not PIMI he may buy you some time.

You can lie your way out of it as previously suggested... but this will compromise personal integrity.

Another option is to come clean, disassociate yourself mentally, find a place to stay and expect your mom to shun you for the next 20 years. Could you handle this?

I'm glad to hear you still believe in marriage. Can you rent a room or board with someone temporarily...no strings attached.

You are in your 20s, you have a job. It may be time to gird your loins, get tough on yourself and the cult and make it on your own.

HELP!! Just Woken Up - Fanatical Mom wants to report me

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