Hello, I am Sam(Samuel). I am 18 and I live in Romania. My english is not that good and I find it hard to express myself even in my language xD.
I'm not an open person and I would've probaly never talked so open of my life but this "event" had so much impact on my life and it damaged me so deeply that I do now write this.
I came to this site to help myself fight the problem that destroyed my life for the past 2 years. People here having had the same problem can think the same and thus helping the "recovery" we must take after our brains were used to think dependent and accept anything.
My grandmother was a JW but she died when I was 6. Some of my relatives are JWs but I never really approached my relatives.
My mother wanted me to "study the Bible" when I was 13 because she studied aswell and she somewhat "likes this religion". Until then, I didn't attend to ANY church tho once in a year my father which is a "christian" made me go to some wierd churches. Basically, I wasn't a religious person but living in Romania where almost everyone believes in God and has lots of respect in the Bible got me to have the same view as everyone else.
Generally, here in Romania or in any high religious country we are teached from our childhood that God exists, and that the Bible is the word of God and it's very important and valid. I always knew that humans are more special than the other beings in the world, not only more intelligent but they have an afterlife, they were created on purpose! They have a connection with their "creator". With this description I've grown my whole life, never thought about doubting it since EVERYONE agreed on it. With these ideeas in my mind it was easy to "proceed one step further"(tho not necessary), joining a religion.
Being ignorant in the first place and thinking dependently, not on my own, plus generally being proud and selfish helped me heck of a lot to accept any new dogma unconditionally, especially if it "seemed logical" and being presented as "the truth".
The person I studied with was a very nice person, a boy which was about 25. I started by learning from "What does the Bible really teach?". As i've never went to any other religion these teachings attracted me because they seemed logical and they seemed true, especially when they make Jehovah look like a potentially "good heavenly friend".Ofcourse, if i'd used reasoning earlier this wouldn't have seemed so logical and so true. I've jumped right in their trap. I've became more and more involved . I've started to believe in Jehovah as being that original "God" that surveilances humans. I even had a personal relationship with him. Shortly, anything that these magazines and brochures teached me was the ultimate truth. Anything from the borg that wasn't completely "Ok" was repackaged as being "ok" because they couldn't ever be wrong, they had the TRUTH! I was in the Truth, the ultimate truth about anything! It was impossible that any information was wrong!
Thus this enthusiasm has brought me very involved in this religion, making it like my guide in life. I later attended some meetings, did my highlighting on magazines but getting deeper was really... a big step. I had to let go to anything personal that wasn't OK from Jehovah's perspective to advance any further. I know I had to do this because this was a lifetime decision and it was stupid to think that there is going back. So in my first year or so i was an enthusiast about finding the "truth". Then, i stalled. I knew this was the truth and Jehovah was real but I wasn't so enthusiasted about it so much anymore. My devotion to Jehovah and the happines it brought doing changes for him became less because i was enthusiasted that i found a treasure but because i just knew this was "the truth".
My teacher always told me that I have to worship Jehovah only because i want to do so. This ideea is what got my interest from the beggining.
Ok, 2 years later, 3 years in "the truth". The enthusiasm was almost completely lost, tho I still liked what i'm being teached. Now, it was just true. Jehovah, Armagheddon, Jesus , they were all true in my mind but the problem is that I began doing it more and more just because i knew this was the truth and less because i was happy i have "the truth".
One day i've deicided to make another little step, that is to go by myself to the meetings. It was in 2013 at the beggining of the summer.
The magazine we studied that one day was all about the "new light" about the Armagheddon , i think it was the brown one from July 15 2013. In that specific day, my life was shakened.
After attending to the study of that magazines one week I was not sure what was my motivation of worshipping Jehovah. Yes, i just knew all that Armagheddon stuff was real, and they presented it in such manner that it was to happen in at most 1 month.
I was ... just destroyed. I didn't knew what i was doing wrong. I wanted to actually worship Jehovah, by doing so just because I like him and the "truth"! But i couldn't no more. The end was scheduled in roughly 1-2 months and my enthusiasm was gone.
That year was the most horrible and stressful year of my entire life. My whole life, everything i thought any day was: what is happening, what should I do? What am I doing wrong? Why can't i "please Jehovah"no more like i used to?(which is the requesite to get "his acceptance)
For the upcoming 2 years after the 2013 incident I did not care for my look, for nothing about me, it was just "the problem" I had. "The problem" was everything, it was like a puzzle with no end. I was looking everywhere to see how can I fix it! But the answer just didn't come to me. I was running in circles, I was forced to worship Jehovah just because I feared him. Ofcourse, I couldn't do that because it was horrible to go and "change myself into good" just because of fear of dying, dying so soon! I was trapped. I had to worship Jehovah for his personality and because he showed me the truth to "get his acceptance" , but that was possible no more! The end was extremely close and I didn't have any entusiasm left. I just knew it was true and had to be done. The fear of Armagheddon destroyed my mental and physical health.
I haven't properly sleeped in over 2 years. I haven't tasted life properly in over 2 years. The fear of Armagheddon that was so imminent made my brain to prepare for death, I was on a ongoing adrenaline rush as if i was about to die. The stress i went trhough was outstanding. No possible answer was a good one , all these 2 years I was trying to come to the Answer of the problem were in vain. The answer never came, it was impossible to reach it!
About 1-2 months ago I've became so used to pain that I started to not care anymore. I started to fear Jehovah less, why would I fear him, even if i still believed everything was real if he tortured my only life for 2 years non-stop like a cruel monster? A short life like ours, and he still finds time to torture to these that got trapped into believeing that he was real tho they didn't like him as much as they used to.
Yes, this ideea caught my attention: You like Jehovah, He tells you to worship him only because you want to but at the same times pretends to believe him to be REAL. So, if your entusiasm ever runs low you are left only with the belief and when armagheddon is as close as 1 month you are in BIG trouble. You simply cannot escape. Basically, all this "you only do cause you like to" became clear as a BIG LIE.
Then I started to use my brain to rationalise what happened. The big picture. Not like i didn't try that already, but this time was different. I started to hate Jehovah very profoundly. This "tired of being tortured" ideea made me really start to get out of the situation.
I remember when after i got struck by the torture but while i still fought to "get back to Jehovah" I was reading from their anti-evolution book "Life:how did it get here?". And wanted to find the qoutes from the books that we're quoted. Went on the web and saw the "quote mining problems" . My brain didn't like this "apostate like" stuff and told myself they are lies and creation is in fact true.
I started with exactly this, i went there and searched for the quotes. I found that they are extremly dishonest and aslo found more resources such as JWfacts and this site. I slowly started to recover my brain, the fight is still tough.
As i've came further and further out of the dogma and started to think clearly I observed that the problem was that fundamental faith itself that brought me to this torture. The unfounded faith in God, which can be covered by these multituded of "brands and covers" called religions, custom sets of beliefs. But getting into them has this first step: thinking dependently. Believing that God is real/ or anything real for that matther with absolutely no foundation. That kind of thinking is like poision, but I had it for this whole time!
Now I see faith and dependent thinking as the biggest threath to humans (because I know what i've been through because of it).
My brain now has some really hard work to do. Thanks to this forum i get lots of support in this "recovery". I hope nobody will have to go thorugh what i've been through but as long as people are raised believeing stories without foundations and are not allowed to doubt them because of social shunning it will continue to make victims.