Love for the Hate

by IronSharpensIron 18 Replies latest jw friends

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  IronSharpensIron

  Greetings all,

  I have finally settled on a decision. My JW family views me as a disfellowshipped person, a label which excuses them from their poor behavior and justifies their holding of a grudge for my pasts mistakes. In their fervor, they have gone overseas in an effort to spread their good news to others, and perhaps escape some of our shared past. Now, after nearly a decade, my intention is to earnestly pursue reinstatement as quickly as possible and fade immediately following the announcement, fading into obscurity with no trail to follow. My thinking is as follows.

  1. That they may not be able to say to my face that my past behavior is continually unforgiven, though I have personally apologized and asked for forgiveness. Any effort at intellectual conversation with my father resorts to his citing my past mistakes relating just how terrible and unjustifiably angry at God I am. By becoming reinstated I will have taken away their excuse for their behavior and clear my name as well. By fading, I will leave on my own terms.

  2. To take the first step in love. My father has shown his unwillingness to yield in his maltreatment of myself as a DF family member. I have similarly taken the same stance in that I could not stomach becoming a JW, involving myself ever again. By yielding in something as trivial as a status change in a cult, I can further trivialize the cult's control of my life.

  I see the cult for what it is. It has no control over me, and my children have never even heard of it. For that matter, my children will not be involved in the cult's goingson, or be left alone with my parents, ever. I do not need the annulment of DF for myself, but my family may need it if they are ever going to experience any positive influence from an objective person outside the cult.

  By fading, I hope to demonstrate to my family how little difference my standing in a cult bears on my own life. They will undoubtedly blame me for all the wasted time in between, for which I must summarily be forgiven once the elders tell them I am forgiven. This will hopefully be an interesting experience for them to have to process. My personal life will continue unchanged from my DF time to my approved reinstated time then into my faded time.

  With no excuse to defer my relationship coupled with a desire to reconnect, they can no longer hide from their curious, loving, welcoming, hopeful son with a lovely family.

  I hope my perspective may help others in their pursuit of equilibrium in your own lives if at all possible.

  Much love,

  Derrick
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  zeb

  "made the decision to "reverse disfellowship"..... like it.
  
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  GrreatTeacher

  Think twice about this, Iron.

  As super-spiritual as your parents sound, just fading could trigger their shunning again.

  There are many here who have had that exact thing happen, and it appears the organization gives tacit approval for this.
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  Sour Grapes

  What gets me was how parents at the Kingdumb Hell would brag how they do not associate with a disfellowshipped child or other relative so that they may one day come to their senses and come back to Jehovah. It is never about Jehovah, it is always about getting one's family back. That is the reason one will try to get back into the cult.
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  carla

  While I can applaud your effort to take the high road and act in love, my worry would be your innocent children. Personally I think it unhealthy for children to have to come to the knowledge and experience of the very conditional yo-yo love of jw grandparents. Today grandma/pa love them, tomorrow? who knows what the borg will require. Should a child be required to live by the rules of this cult even if they are not members themselves? or do/will you explain it as a mental illness of sorts or go into how cults work? I am truly asking not being sarcastic.

  Families are or should be package deals, warts and all. We all have our faults but if my kids are threatened either physically, mentally, spiritually or sexually, look out, this mama bear will not stand for it. Just my take. I can say this because I went to extreme lengths to protect my kids and that of family members from my own jw, who I do love very much. We all love him, but will not tolerate any jw shenanigans. Things are better now and luckily all the little ones have grown up and know the dangers of the jw's from me, books, their own churches and their own research.
  
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  Iown Mylife

  I feel like you're wrong. There are so many things that can happen that you can't predict. Don't mess around with your life like that. You have young kids to consider and they don't need to come into close proximity of that poisonous cult. At the very least, messing around with any of those deluded, mind-controlled people will stir up all kinds of drama, within your emotions and your life.

  I hope you take another think and change your mind.
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  IronSharpensIron

  Thanks for the feedback.

  I do fully expect them to shun me again. I am not expecting anything from them. In this case, nothing will have changed. My life has nothing to do with them as of this point. I am mostly just trying to clear my name. I intend to be blameless in their decision making, and for them to stop blaming my past for their shunning me. They will have make their own decision for shunning me any longer and cannot hide behind the elders DF excuse for their treatment of me. I think this is the only thing holding my mother back as my father is an elder and is controlling, using this excuse to keep her from talking to me.

  As for my children. Carla, you said it quite well, that families are package deals, warts and all- including Jehovah's Witnesses. I will protect my children the best way I know how. By setting the example in love and keeping them informed. I intend to show my children the difference between conditional love of the Witnesses and real unconditional love in life. I will have my children understand the reality of the Witnesses if they ever have questions. This being said, I will not tolerate any weird JW games going on. I'm not trying to convert them, and I would appreciate them respecting my faith. This will be unquestionable to any family that now desires to be involved.

  There are a couple more thoughts to consider. My children will grow up eventually and they could choose to seek out their grandparents after they move out from my home, and get caught up in it all without a guiding hand to understand its realities. This would sadden me greatly, but they will be adults some day, and as such their decisions must be respected. I would want them to see that without being a Witness, I can exclude nobody from my family, JW included. Make them understand what shunning is and what it has done to me and countless others. To see the flaws in the institution. To take personal responsibility for their choices in life.

  My biggest lesson for my children in all this is that there is no "us" vs "them." There are only people. They all have flaws, and they all could use real, genuine, unhindered love. If I were to exclude my parents from my life for their behavior, then I would be no better than they are doing the same to me. I could not claim moral high ground and would really be offering my children nothing better than the Witnesses. If my parents choose to shun me despite my clear efforts to recover the connection, I cannot be blamed for this. If I chose to withhold from doing something trivial to reconnect the family, then I could have fault.

  Also, my wife is not a JW and my parents have not responded to any efforts of hers to talk to them, so I really don't think it will change anything anyway.

  I understand the inherent risks, and intend to minimize what I can. I can only strive to be the example for my children using my life as the example. I will reflect further on the decision to be reinstated, but there are risks with anything. I really do appreciate the shared thoughts of you all. I will take them to heart and try to make the best decision from all perspectives.

  Much love,

  Derrick
• 

  IronSharpensIron

  I have reconsidered and have come to a updated conclusion. I really do appreciate everyone's responses to my message and it has helped me see things from other perspectives than my own.

  If this only involved me, I would do whatever and be free to go back and make an effort to save my family from the cult.

  But this involves my children. It is my job as their father to protect them from dangers when I can. This is the most destructive, dangerous thing I have ever been involved in. As such, I would truly be an fool to willfully pursue involving my children in it.

  Also, my family understands that I am desirous of a relationship with them and am willing to reconnect as soon as they are. I am unwilling to rejoin the cult and see my children get F'd up. This is a decision I could not conscience and live with. After all, nobody should have to make a choice they can't live with. I am in control, not this cult.

  Much love and many thanks guys,

  Derrick
• 

  just fine

  So glad the hear of your decision. Your children can also learn from this decision. They can learn to not be manipulated into giving up their own happiness to please someone else. I hope you find peace in this decision.