My Spirituality

oldcrowwoman

My spirituality is very personal and I am very protective. For a very good reason after been violated and almost snuff my spirit within me from years of abuse. I call the wise womyn within. Its taken years to cultivate the spirit with in.

Interesting in my sobriety program , Spiritualty is a individual process. What may spiritual to me may not be another. That is honor in the circle. Thats what I like about the program WFS than AA.

I've worked in a ER for 15 yrs now. I remeber when I first started. I would enter the door think I could leave my spirituality at the door. Not so I carried that within. That is who I am and how I connect with others and how I treat others. And in my personal life.

Anyway where I am going with all this is I need to process my feelings. I do better to articulate on web (paper) .

As years have gone on I can articulate the grieving process. And to catch myself we I am. For months now I've been bargaining with myself with my position in the drumming group . That I need to move on from the group in taking care of myself.

I've been involve with this group for 8 years. There usually 12 women in the group. Its been my major time in healing with my experiences with the org. There have been many gifts given in that process. It has come to a point that I am not getting my needs met . Groups change. In time there are unhealthy behaviors being exhibited in the circle. Feels toxic to me.

I tried to bargain by not doing certain circles and limit myself to participating once a month. And noticed recently that I've been drag my feet in wanting to go each month. The hand writing on the wall is I can't do this anymore.

What I am touch with is that I am in so much pain coming to this decision. The pain is stretching me in so many ways. What I do know is my spirituality is in tacked. The Drumming group does'nt define me in who I am spiritually.

Whats interesting is when leaving the cult I did'nt glumb on to something else to fill the void. There was first few years . I wandered thru the desert alone spiritually like a lost soul. And probably like alot of others on this site. In fact I had a dream. House that many doors on one side and I walked thru the door into the desert and a beautiful at that. Dreams are strong metaphors. Abut me finding my way.

8 years is a long relationship with the group. To honor my part in that relationship. There were many gifts . I feel sad and angry in making the decision of having a closure with the circle. I know If I don't change in the process than I am not taking care of myself.

The circle reopens the 1st of October. Is when I'll close with the group.

On this thread I will probably add more as my process continues. May be get to the place of the intense pain. Right now I am honoring the pain.

Thank you for the opportunity of sharing.

OCW

Lady Lee

(((crow))) strong and resilient

I hear you so well.

Groups can feed us for a while. But people come and go and the dynamics change. After 8 years you might be one of the elders in the group and everyone looks to you for answers but who do you turn to? That has been a huge issue for me.

I've come to realize thatany kind of healing program can be just addictive as whatever it is we are leaving behind. We rely on it. It is there for us and it feeds us when we need it.

But there comes a time when either you don't need it anymore and need to grow into a new stage of recovery or the group has changed and no longer gives you what you need. Maybe a combination of both.

I have found that saying goodbye to something that was healing for me is like leaving home (or at least what I imagine a young person feels moving away from home for the first time) You want to test your wings and soar but might be afraid the nest won't be there to return to if you leave. I know I have been afraid that the new source of strength I seek will not nourish me.

But I also know that fear only keeps me stuck in what I seek to escape.

Take your wings crow and soar among the clouds

Satanus

To advance to a new/better place we must let go of the old. One of the things in babyhood is learning holding on and letting go. If babies hold on too long, failing to learn when to let go, they become constipated - not good. The void we feel after we let something go is scary, but something new always awaits.

SS - the confucious class

Michele Lyon

As a sober person also, I have had to know when to let go of a way that no longer works. If we do not stretch our minds to new ideas then it is possible we will remain stuck in old ideas that no longer work!

It has been my experience that God uses many teachers if we are willing. But as I took in new information and tried to apply it, I found it was not long before I outgrew my teachers. That is the way it is supposed to be! There are many levels of spirituality. We can choose to stop on one level and critique all others or we have the choice to move up higher. To gain that "conscious contact with God" as the 11th step says. Then eventually we become the teachers and no longer the student.

Alot of times with change comes grief and not usually with what was, but for what wasn't!

"Once your mind has been stretched to a new idea, it never returns to original dimension." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Michele

Lady Lee

Michele

Then eventually we become the teachers and no longer the student .

Interesting. I very much consider myself a teacher on some issues. But I am still the student - always learning from others and from the students

oldcrowwoman

Some one asked me if this drumming group is a organization. No organization. Its a group of women who have similar interests and is supportive with one and others spiritual path.

Another question what is "WFS"? "Women for Sobriety" is a program dealing with a womans's self-esteem and self-worth issues. It's congruent to AA. but is kept separated. Many women use both programs. This program has been around since 1975. Like AA both programs can be directed to those who are getting out of abusive situations. Whether its alcohol , co-dependant relationships, drugs and religious org.

Michele~~~~~~~~~~~

"To gain that conscious contact with god. As the 11th step says. Then eventually we become the teachers and no longer the student."

I personally see this as a flaw. If we are teachers, whats their to learn? Unless you see this place as "paradise"? I see the roles reversed many, many times over throughout ones life time. Basically human nature.

OCW

Lady Lee

OCW

I see the roles reversed many, many times over throughout ones life time.

exactly. I will stop learning in this life the day I die and then??? guess I will know that when it happens

Ravyn

Learning+Loving=Growing

Growing=Living

I don't see how you can possibly stay alive if you stop learning....

I came to realize in my own life that a circle is still a line it just meets at the ends...but the disadvantage is that when it is a circle it only has an inside and an outside. For me, I had to live in a spiral. That way I can go forward and still double back if I need to. No apologies OCW. If someone depends on you so much that you feel like you need to apologise for growing, then it is time for them to grow too.

Ravyn

pettygrudger

I don't see how you can possibly stay alive if you stop learning....

Exactly - in this life we must take all the good we can from the "circles" we evolve into - and out of. Although a painful decision - it should also be a happy one, for it shows you have found the strength to continue the journey. And that's what life is - a constant journey as you mentioned. Sometimes we're alone, sometimes we're not, and only have the memories of who we have shared the journey with. But to not continue the journey is not healthy as you have shared, and its wonderful that you know that. People come & go in our lives - sometimes for life, and sometimes only for a short while. But from all we learn & grow, and as Ravyn said, this means we've lived.

Good luck to you in your choices & a big (((((hug))))) from me!

Frannie Banannie

(((OCW)))....when one door begins to close, another one begins to open...look for the open door, cherie...

Frannie B

My Spirituality

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