by wayoutthere 19 Replies latest jw friends
You have done nothing wrong.
You were raised in a way that your parents demanded, but that does not mean it was your choice. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed about something that you had no control over!
Be proud that you took the steps to remove yourself from the situation. Therefore it does not matter if other people know about it, for they have got to know you for who you are as an adult.
Remember the only power it has over you is the power you give it
Hi whyoutthere and welcome to the forum.
If you choose to have counseling look for a therapist that has experience with former cult patients and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Also, think of yourself as normal but with a brief youthful misery that you got over with.
Hello wayoutthere,
(firstly I want to point out that these are just my observations, not a therapists so I may be wrong.)
The panic attack and the mini breakdown you're having seems to be about a few things but firstly I would say control. You lost control over who knows your past and because it was let out without you knowing and it came out of the blue after such a long time, it's knocked you off your feet. So, from what you wrote, I would root this need for control about your past back to the first paragraph you wrote about the general feeling of not being able to control your own life as a young JW. This is a feeling a lot of born-ins have to deal with. I was one.
Also, another thing to contemplate is this, did you whilst a young JW, develop one personality for the kingdom hall and one personality for your outside life? This is very important. I ask because this is also a natural reaction that young JW's have to deal with. The problem with it is this, you develop one personality for the hall and try to fit in but you don't because you've got nothing in common with these people as you don't really get it or believe it (or you do love it but still...) that's the hall persona and so, you develop another persona for school and try to fit in there but because you try to keep your JW life secret and therefore can't talk about it freely because of shame, you don't fit in fully with them either and then because you're trying to develop friends at school and you don't want your parents to know this or that you don't love the hall, you develop another persona for home. Now you have three personas, all of them have secrets that they keep and all of them tell lies in order to not be found out. This in itself instills feelings of self loathing, dishonesty, unworthiness and loneliness/isolation. We learn to do this as a child but whereas adults, when doing it, do it knowing that it's just a persona that they switch back and forth from by choice, the child doesn't recognise it as a choice or something seperate or fake but instead thinks all three are what makes him/her a person. It's normal. So, this is hidden from themselves - they are unaware that they are doing it. Dangerous huh?!
So, time moves on and then you leave home and up til now, what you've learned is that in order to TRY and fit in because now you've confirmed to yourself that you don't fit in anywhere, you have to create a persona or personality that you think will be accepted by others. So in your situation, you've met your partner and at some point of trust decided to let that person in so far as you are able to but in order to make friends and forget your past, you make another persona. One that doesn't have any use for the old personas you first had and so you cut out one of your old personas or maybe two of them or three of them but now you're fostering new ones, ones for your kids,one for your parents as an out JW, ones for workmates... you see the point I'm making.
This I believe can be your problem and the feeling of never fitting in is because you've never tried to fit in AS YOU THE WHOLE YOU. Bits have been left out. It's left you feeling not a whole person inside maybe, how can you? You've cut some of you off. I say this because I've been through this and it may help you. Keeping this whole process together requires control - remembering what to say to the right people at the right time. You learn how to say what people want to hear and before long you forget who you are as a whole because you are some bits but not others and theres some bits missing, hidden. And then one day when you least expect it, casually, the rug gets pulled and the shock of knowing that people know about one of your old personalities makes you feel deep inside like a fraud, and not good enough and judged again and not in control and exhausted looking over all the effort you put into not being the real you and you fall into a pit and turn the lights off while you process. You lock yourself away due to fear, humiliation a sense of hopelessness and confusion but why does this happen? Well in my understanding it's because you felt traumatised by suddenly being confronted by your old, lost personality that someone essentially hung infront of your eyes and asked ''was this a part of you?''. Now, in the shock, your brain scrambles for reactions. Deny it it says as it tries to tell you, NO, you are not this person, we don't know this person it's just someone we had to be but it died, we killed it. But of course you know you can't lie to yourself. You know the real truth. You have to accept it. And when you look at that old persona and try to figure out what to do with it because you don't want it back you fall into unknown territory by becoming that old personality again for a time whilst in that pit. In extreme cases of this people can be known to revert to their childlike voice and actually believe that they are back in that time of when they felt like this, at the time of the trauma. You see this trait in abused children a lot. You didn't mention that you were abused but you are having a pretty strong reaction to your past.
So, the next question is why do you need to feel in control at all about your past and people knowing now that you're an adult. Well, I want to ask you a question. You said you left at 16 and never looked back but do you now know the TRUTH about the TRUTH? I mean you do know the religion is a false religion right? Inside are you 100% sure that it's a load of crap? Or don't you know fully? Because I'm wondering if when you tie yourself back to your old JW personality, if you're tying yourself back to fear and guilt and dread? The threat of Armageddon and you not surviving it? If this is so, immediately go to JWfacts and learn that this religion is a cult and 100% a pile of crap. I've found that it's only when you know it for sure, you can start to not feel frightened of your old selves and start putting ALL of the pieces that make you complete, back together.
Another reason why I ask if you know the TRUTH about the truth (TTATT) is because if you do, you should understand that the Watchtower cult use drip-fed, mind control techniques to manipulate members into the cult and remain in the cult. Your parents would have undergone this. We all did, even if you didn't believe it, it still affects you. You were told that you're a sinner, a speck of dust, a nothing. So to say you blame nothing on the GB and everything on your parents is very harsh, no? Please read or watch a youtube clip about this cult mind control techniques, it is very real and Watchtower use all of the weapons.
I went to a therapist but had to leave as it just wasn't for me. But it may help you as others have suggested.
I hope some of this was useful. Sorry for the longwinded post but the truth is, there's a healing in getting these things off your chest when you've experienced them yourself so, what I'm trying to say is, it helped me in writing this and I hope it helped you or maybe someone else who reads it if not. But anyway, good luck to you and if you want to PM me, feel free. Whatever you do, do not block this out and carry on. Deal with it, write everything down, research about questions you have and get it fixed. If you do see a therapist, write everyhting down before you go. It helps focus and doesn't enable anything to be left out. Whatever you do, don't be frightened of what's happening, it's your brain making new connections so guide it by teaching it what it needs to know in order to get the job done asap.
Lots of love x
You need to find a therapist who is experienced in treating victims of cults. You are suffering from the effects of being raised in a cult, it is no small thing. I also suggest reading Combating Cult Mind Control by Steve Hassan.
Most therapists have no experience with this, and most people don't think JWs are a cult anyway, but your experience proves that it has affected you very deeply and you need help.
One of the reasons I left the JWs is that it became clear to me that their literature is full of mind control-guilt trips, emotional blackmail, group pressure, scare mongering. So while my parents did choose to make the decisions that marred my upbringing they were made under a duress that to this day they are unaware exists. They live in a pressurized, highly controlled environment that has become normalized to them. Hassan's book mentioned earlier is excellent since it makes no mention of WT, yet its description of how cult mind control works, reveals WT for what it is.
I have found talking to 1 or 2 friends about my past to be a great release. I have some exjw friends too and 1 in particular has massively benefited from professional counseling.
A warm welcome to the forum!
Your story could be me and lots of others. The stigma, the day-to-day fear and terror of being taunted by your classmates, feeling alone, being an outsider, etc. is ALL a side-effect of this religion. You never got over it and hid it all those years. When you hide something, you are allowing "IT" or "THEM" to have power and control over you. Simply put, you have chosen to live as a prisoner of other people's thoughts all these years due to the traumas inflicted upon you during your youth. I'm not being critical of you, but save yourself the money from having to have a therapist tell you the same thing. I'm very open about my upbringing because the vast majority of adults and sane/free thinkers totally get it at this stage that as kids, we all have very little choice in how we were being raised. When you mature and come of age, you make decisions to either keeping being what you are, or be different from what you once were. I simply tell people I was raised one of Jehovah's Witnesses and due to some problems I had with the teachings and how I was treated, for my own health and mental well-being, I just couldn't go anymore. Problem solved and I've never run across anyone who was critical of that. Actually I have people ask me more questions about the Bible after they find out. Kind of a weird witness situation that seems more natural than ever before. You will cause yourself way more grief and trauma if you keep hiding it. Instead, grow up, be open about it, it's part of you and anyone who holds you in derision over it is a bloomin' fool that isn't worth your time. You had no choice in the matter at the time, but now you do.
I must mention that I don't have a large circle of friends. I seldom ever go and visit friends anywhere, I come home from work, fix a meal, surf the net, work on my farm a bit, and my wife and I pretty much keep to ourselves. We have friends that we keep a good 100+ miles away that we are welcome to go see anytime and hang out with and in so doing, we do maintain strict control over who comes to the house. I have a couple of close-knit "worldly" contacts that know my story and they of course are allowed over anytime - I'd actually trust them to house sit for me. I'm a jack of all trades, so anyone who takes issue with my Witness past, can usually be subdued when I fix something of theirs for cheap or free and they realize, I'm not such a bad guy after all. I can see how if you're the BBQ-on-the-weekend type, and drink, watch sports with the gang, etc. then the shallow-flighty nature of that social situation could wreak havoc on your fantasy life of fun and games, but in the long term it's best to come out with it. Part of not being embarrassed or ashamed is to never outwardly show it. Growing up as a Witness, I became very good at acting - to a pathological level - but when you show no shame - it's funny but the shame actually transfers to the person who thought you should be ashamed. Then they're ashamed that they thought you should be ashamed.
I feel for you, but I've learned to cope and deal with this every day. For people who are more sensitive emotionally, being a Witness is pure torture, and I completely understand why the suicide rate is high and largely ignored by the upper brass.
I wish you well. You're in good company here.
You sound like a fugitive that just saw their photo on a wanted poster.
Yes that is partly how I feel. I feel like I've been found out, and the thing I've been hiding has been revealed to one and all. I feel like I'm stood in the middle of a large crowded room and everyone is now pointing and laughing, and I want to run and hide.
Thank you so much for all the comments and suggestions so far. Many have given me pause for thought and reflection. Many have made me consider things I had not previously considered.
For some clarification:
No, I was not abused as a child. My trauma is nothing to do with that.
Yes I know the truth about the truth. I have no lingering feeling that I am doomed or have turned my back on the true religion. I do not feel guilty.
I think the core of my problem is embarrassment. I am embarrassed that people now know about my past - or I think they know about my past... as I said, only one person was told by my partner and they likely haven't given it a second thought and therefore none of our other friends know. Certainly no one has mentioned it. So yes my reaction is entirely internal and grounded not in reality but in my own fears in my head. It is irrational, and I know this which is why I am so surprised and scared of my reaction. This is not like me. I am a very confident and outgoing person until this happened.
The embarrassment stems from how I felt as a child. Not only did I feel different and the odd one out, but I was always overwhelmingly embarrassed.
Even as a child I could see the religion was nonsense and I struggled to understand why anyone would believe it. I would be sat there in the hall when they talked about creation and I would immediately think about dinosaurs. The flood... how did the animals get from and back to Australia? No beards allowed.... seriously? God is bothered about this but not about the massive famine in Ethiopia that was happening at the time? No birthdays... the bible doesn't mention it but a bad thing happened on someones birthday therefore they must all be bad!!!
I would sit there looking around wondering why my parents and everyone else were nodding along in agreement. Why is no one questioning this stuff? I felt like I was in a room of adult imbeciles. I knew I was a child and had a lot to learn, but some things are just so ridiculous you have to be stupid to believe it. And it was that stupidity I was so embarrassed and ashamed of. The shame of admitting to the other children at school that my parents believed something that not even children will believe.
And then knocking on doors. Oh how embarrassing was that. To knock on a class mates door or even see them in the street while we were preaching this nonsense was the ultimate humiliation.
And so that is also part of what I am hiding from. I am experiencing that embarrassment all over again.
Like I said, deep down I know no one is judging me. I know this is my own internal voice and anxiety. I also typically don't give a stuff what other people think of me. I'm certainly not a conformist or someone seeking approval. My friends are my friends because we all accept our differences. I know all this....
And yet I am having a completely out of character involuntary and utterly irrational response to this, and that is what terrifies me. This is not like me. I am always in control and suddenly I've lost it. I lost control of who knows about my past (I don't blame my partner at all by the way - it was an innocent mistake) and I have lost control over how I think and handle this.
