"An Incomplete and Disorderly Catalog of Prince's Dirty Songs"
EDS NOTE: Says Slogger and Lineout-er, Violet DaGrinder, "I wrote a guide to Prince's dirty songs for a friend of mine, in honor of his tour, where he won't be probably playing any of them. I thought the Prince fan(s) at The Stranger might appreciate it."
- ALBUM COVER FOR "PRINCE" RELEASED OCTOBER 19TH, 1979
Cream—wherein Prince jacks off in front of a mirror
Insatiable—wherein Prince cajoles you into making a sex tape, which he will definitely edit into something tasteful
Electric Chair—wherein Prince tells you that what he has planned for you is technically punishable by death, in a sexy way
I Wanna Melt With U—wherein Prince worries that he may have just statutory-raped you, because that's kiiiiind of a lot of blood, but as long you're cool with it, chorus verse bridge
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18 & Over—wherein Prince establishes some boundaries up front this time
Sexy MF—wherein Prince just wants to talk, dummy
Poom Poom—wherein Prince has been writing dirty songs for two decades and has completely exhausted the English language
Slow Love—wherein Prince recommends quality over quantity, mainly because your pussy couldn't withstand the quantity that he is interested in
Come—wherein Prince explains that orgasms (which he could provide!) will solve all of your problems in a universal-love kind of way, and isn't the ocean sexy?
Orgasm—wherein Prince... I don't know, ocean, whatever
Pheromone—wherein Prince misunderstands what pheromones are
Solo—wherein Prince gets incredibly melodramatic about sex
Hot Thing—wherein Prince asks if your smiles are for him, and you get the feeling that "smiles" might be a nudge-nudge-wink-wink kind of deal
It—wherein Prince tells you what he thinks about a lot (it), and why (because you're good at it)
Superfunkycalifragisexy—wherein Prince recommends drinking squirrel blood as an aphrodisiac prior to some seriously kinky shit involving ropes and guns and neon and office furniture... also, dancing
Rockhard in a Funky Place—wherein Prince is very coy about his erection
Ripopgodazippa—wherein Prince bangs some girl at the gym, I guess?
Sex in the Summer—wherein Prince muses on the wholesome joys of a public babymamma up-skirt situation
Glam Slam—wherein Prince sounds like he's being nasty, but in an obtuse artsy way that leaves you wondering if maybe you're the one with the dirty mind and now you're missing something deep... wait, WAIT... did he just say something about a BUTTERFLY CUMMING ON YOU? Ohhh, Prince.
When 2 R in Love—wherein Prince refuses to settle for making only most of the panties drop
Alphabet St.—wherein Prince tries to make "driving to Tennessee" a euphemism for orgasm but it doesn't catch on
Delirious—wherein Prince details the volume of his ejaculate in a vaguely rapey way
319—wherein Prince explores a fantasy about erotic photography and you get the feeling that this is a song he wrote in 15 minutes on some random Wednesday morning about some random Tuesday night that he had once
The Continental—wherein Prince has phone sex with a teenager and reveals his poor understanding of astronomy
Darling Nikki—wherein Prince meets a girl who is kind of a freak even by his standards
Jack U Off—wherein Prince expounds on the joys of finger-blasting
Tick Tick Bang—wherein Prince gets you all worked up with his tales of premature ejaculation, inspired by you, and you're welcome
Mad Sex—wherein Prince remembers that one time back in the day when he used to have sex, OMG, a lot
Head—wherein Prince lets you know the length of time for which he will eat your pussy, up to and including the time of your death
Violet the Organ Grinder—wherein Prince grinds his organ, metaphorically
Erotic City—wherein Prince cums on his own face while contemplating some sort of urban Madonna/Whore scenario, metaphorically
Objects in the Mirror—wherein Prince is excited that he gets to put a load in your dryer, metaphorically, unfortunately
Sister—wherein Prince suggests that it's not thaaaat weird to bang your sister
One Kiss At A Time—wherein Prince discovers foreplay in 1996
Sexuality—wherein Prince recommends sex as a good thing to try sometime
Peach—wherein Prince spins a tale of a crazy fantasy world in which there is this one super hot girl who doesn't want to fuck a nameless miniature man in women's clothing who writes political statements on his face with eyeliner and shaves his beard into abstract art, WHATEVER, her loss
Let's Pretend We're Married—wherein Prince portrays married sex in a wildly optimistic and, frankly, adorable fashion
Gett Off (Damn Near 10 Minute Mix)—wherein Prince points out that you clearly need to get laid and then spends roughly ten minutes giving colorful suggestions regarding the details of how and where that could go down, were he to be involved
Sleep Around—wherein Prince tells you that if you don't fuck your girl proper, he will surely get the job done on your behalf (again! haha!)
P Control—wherein Prince uplifts and enlightens all members of the female persuasion by suggesting that they close their legs and open a book, think about it ladies
Do Me, Baby—wherein Prince requests that you do him
Let's Have A Baby—wherein Prince can't stop imagining what it would be like if your eyes were literally on an infant, and he can think of only one way to find out that involves his penis
Good Love—wherein Prince wants to sing a really dirty song to you but your little sister is in the room or something so he has to be super cute about it, and fine, you can't deny that it's charming
Hot Wit U—wherein Prince remembers that it's the late 90's and Eve is going to be there in five minutes and you told her that you wrote a duet for them, fuck
So Far, So Pleased—wherein Prince gets a message from Eve reminding him that she is bringing Gwen Stefani with her, FUCK
Baby Knows—wherein Prince wakes Sheryl Crow up and tells her that Eve and Gwen Stefani are about to arrive, and wonders if she could keep them busy while he runs out back to crap out a song or three, and she can
Bambi—wherein Prince tries to convince a silly lesbian to reconsider her silly lifestyle choices
Dirty Mind—wherein Prince blames the victim
Wanna Be Your Lover—wherein Prince celebrates monogamy, but no pressure
Private Joy—wherein Prince celebrates misogyny, in a sweet fun monogamous sort of way!
Raspberry Beret—wherein Prince loses his virginity to a girl who is probably illiterate, but super cute
Soft and Wet—wherein Prince describes in fairly general terms what pussy feels like
Schoolyard—wherein Prince describes what a particular young lady's pussy feels like in such a way that you could, with some basic supplies from the drugstore and access to a microwave, conjure up this sensation for yourself
Little Red Corvette—wherein Prince suggests that you stop being such a dirty whore and find yourself a good man to settle down with